You can't go home again

--or back to you fertility clinic. It turns out I am an infertile-infertile. I had two FET's -one in Sept and one in October. One more horrifying than the next. You can't even imagine. The catheter--wouldn't go in. After cath checks that went fine. After the second transfer in October (in which they had to bring in another doctor and the poor embryo was in and out of it's incubator 3 times)--I had my WTF appointment. And the truth is--they don't know. Not too surprising at all. They wanted me to have my cervix dilated, scraped and tested to break up scar tissue if there is any. Although their running thought now is that my cervix is (for some unknown reason) going into spasm--ummm--I don't buy it. I bet it is scar tissue. They put me on BCP's and set the apt for the surgery for January 14th--and I couldn't do it. I called and left a message to cancel.

And for some reason, I am unsure why--the need and desire to be a parent for the second time is gone. I love baby H with my whole being and I wish that she could have a sibling for her. So that she is not smothered by me and always has someone else who knows what it is like to have me as a mother--someone to give her a kidney if she needs it or to be a surrogate (baring a sister).

I thought maybe it was a sign that I shouldn't be a mother of 2--I should be happy to be a mother of 1. Maybe I would be a horrible parent to 2 people. For now I am at total peace with the decision. Even reading my fellow bloggers--it didn't make me want to go back--Peace with my fertility--it has been a long time since that has been the case. Longer than I can remember. It feels good.

I just stopped by to catch up.

New Year

Happy New Year! I hope this is a year of happiness for everyone!

Everyone is in my thoughts and prayers!

Thankful

Of course I am so thankful this year for baby H. She is absolutely the love of my life. I am truly blessed. I am = thankful for a million things --way too many to list.

Thanksgiving my mind went to all the women out there still waiting on their babies. I said a prayer in church and asked them all to hurry up to their waiting mommy's. I believe they are there in wait. I am steadfast in my belief that all people who want babies should have them. Those women are never far from my mind, ever.

Check out this movie if you haven't --not great, but it has a part that reminds me of babies in waiting.

"The only thing stronger than fear is hope"
    - The Hunger Games


The role hope plays in infertility cannot be underestimated. It seems like I was either full of hope or lacking it completely. Hope for me was like my pilot light. Always inside of me. Even when I wanted to believe it was gone. It was always there. If we had never had a baby I would have always carried it around with me. Even when I turned 100--it would have burned! I hate infertility. I wish that every person who wanted  baby could have one. I think hope is inevitable in the mind of a person facing infertility. I think it is stronger than doubt. To me hope is what keeps me going everyday. The hope that tomorrow will be better than today, my hope that I will be better everyday. And my hope that everyone who wants a baby--will have one.


"..but as for me, I will always have hope".
-Psalm 71:14

Hope springs eternal....

Baby H is a girl!  A precious little girl born on 7/6/12 @ 1:54 PM. She weighed 8 lbs 4 oz. I had a wonderful delivery via C section and the recovery was really not bad at all. Tomorrow she will be 4 weeks old! I cannot believe that. I have loved spending every day with her--even the last few nights when she has had horrible gas (HEARTBREAKING to see her struggling). I absolutely am in love with her. The second I saw her. Love. She is who I have been waiting for my whole life and now I cannot imagine my life without her.

I have to say not a day goes by that I don't think of the journey we have been on together. I look at her and I say--see those toes---we made those toes--you and me baby! We did that. Even if the clinic did most of the stuff we couldn't do. The 39 weeks she was inside me (since she was a week late)--that was all Baby H and me. Everyday I thank God for her and everyday I say a prayer for all the women out there who are still holding on to hope.


Welcome to the world little girl!

The final countdown

So we have our c section tomorrow at 11:30. We are due at the hospital at 9:30. I am not allowed to eat after midnight so I am going to eat at 11:55. I am so afraid of having a migraine. Like a morphine shot in the back, being sliced open, being numb for hours and a baby isn't scary enough! I wonder if fertiles feel this way the night before their scheduled c sections? I just have been so protective of my feelings for then last 41 weeks I am still not letting myself get too excited. Which is absolutely crazy. I mean there is a real baby in there and it is coming out! I am sure that any emotion at this point is deemed normal. which is good because I have a bunch of them. Part of me wishes we could have done this naturally so the recovery would be easier. There are not many times in your life that you are standing on the brink of something that will change your life forever and ever. Your wedding day, the day you have your first child (and other children) ...and that is really all I can think of.It is totally surreal and hard to comprehend what happens tomorrow. Welcome to the world duck butt! We have been waiting a long time for you and we cannot wait to meet you! I hope you have a safe entry and are healthy. We promise to be the best parents we can be!

Due date

And I just dont get the sense this baby wants to come out yet. We went to the doctor on Wed and he said have an ultrasound Monday and then we would decide next steps. If the baby is big (about 8.5) we would go right to c section otherwise we would induce and see what happens. I was fine with Monday, but when I called to schedule the ultrasound i found out the doc is going to be out Monday. So, our appt is Tuesday at 3!!! Which means we could be looking at 7/4. Does that mean there will be a skeleton crew on? Because I am way too high maintenance for that. July 4th does mean that we will always have our child's birthday off. I feel good though. It's a waiting game now...who knows...the baby might come on it's own??? We either have a fashionable late girl or a stubborn late boy on our hands.