33 Weeks

Here I am at 33 weeks. Had an OB appt today and in talking with the doc (mind you, my doc NEVER does C sections--I mean he does them--but he lets people try first 9 lbs/10lb babies--try). He said that because this polyp is on my cervix and most likely has a blood supply going to it (and is the length of my cervix) he said we might end up with a C section. Because apparently at any given time when you are not pregnant about 60% of your blood supply goes to your brain, but when you are pregnant a majority of your blood goes to the baby. Not to mention your veins like double in size in your uterus and hence, have more blood flow--so bleeding becomes a serious concern. A vaginal delievery, I would imagine, increases the chances that this polyp could start to bleed (and not stop). Of course this kinda makes me nervous that it might start bleeding before I am in a hospital (and only stops because the patient (me) dies). The C Section,  although it is major abdominal surgery, is more appealing to me than a vaginal birth. My doc said he would send me for a 38 week ultrasound (June 15th) and then he would know what the polyp is doing.

The thing is, and I have posted this before, this is not a new polyp. Did my fertility clinic not think it would be a good idea to do a D &C and remove it at the root--(when I wasn't pregnant and bleeding would not an issue)? Or how about just do an ultraound to see how deep it was--since they were ALWAYS in their looking at stuff anyway. My doctor seemed disapppointed that they did not remove it prior to IVF/FET (and prbably IUI's for that matter).

On a different note, I found out that someone I know went for her 9 week u/s and the baby didn't have a heartbeat and was measuring 6 weeks. The worst part is they want it to pass on it's own, and if it doesn't in 10 days then she will have the D&C. I feel so horrible. Not that I know how she feels, but that she has to go through this at all. I feel so sad for her experience today and the lasting effect this will have on her.

Even on my way to the doctor today I always have this impending sense of fear. I feel baby move a lot and I still am on guard when a doppler or ultrasound wand is close. But that is because I am prepared for the worst. People who just walk into their OB/GYN offices waiting to hear good news--they aren't expecting the worst---and they will never be able to be that naive again. There is an innocent that is lost in me and that I have heard form my felllow infertiles and women with recurrent loss.

I will never know what pregnancy would have been like without the saddnesss of disappointment or the fear of the worst hovering over me. And that makes me sad. Maybe one day it won't matter, but today is not that day. Not the weekend of Mother's Day--when last year I was sitting in the fertility clinic trying another Methotrexate shot and continually paranoid about a rupture AND sad about the forced (and necessary) loss of my pregnancy.