What a long, strange trip it's been...

I know I am not at the end yet, but I must say it has been a real trip getting this far in my pregnancy. I just sat back in my chair at work and the baby had the hiccups and was moving around making my stomach move back and forth--and I thought--I am going to miss carrying you around little person.

I was at Quick Check today and the woman in front of me started talking to me about pregnancy--how the last 3 months are so uncomfortable; you can't sleep (although I am doing okay so far), and how people try to scare you--when they say your life is going to completely change. She has a 4 year old and she said her life didn't completely change---I mean I am not expert but I felt like saying, 'are you sure you are doing it right?' I dont' love change, but I am pretty sure our baby is going to change things--like--a lot!

I am packing my bag for the hospital this weekend and sending in my registration paperwork to the hospital today. We have out breast feeding class next Wed and then we are going to consider ourselves prepared. Except completing leave paperwork is like an exercise in futility!

Oh, except that our nursery still needs touch up paint and the crib is supposed to arrive today (after being returned for having a mark on it).

Not to mention my 'Honey Do List' is pretty long---and getting longer!

33 Weeks

Here I am at 33 weeks. Had an OB appt today and in talking with the doc (mind you, my doc NEVER does C sections--I mean he does them--but he lets people try first 9 lbs/10lb babies--try). He said that because this polyp is on my cervix and most likely has a blood supply going to it (and is the length of my cervix) he said we might end up with a C section. Because apparently at any given time when you are not pregnant about 60% of your blood supply goes to your brain, but when you are pregnant a majority of your blood goes to the baby. Not to mention your veins like double in size in your uterus and hence, have more blood flow--so bleeding becomes a serious concern. A vaginal delievery, I would imagine, increases the chances that this polyp could start to bleed (and not stop). Of course this kinda makes me nervous that it might start bleeding before I am in a hospital (and only stops because the patient (me) dies). The C Section,  although it is major abdominal surgery, is more appealing to me than a vaginal birth. My doc said he would send me for a 38 week ultrasound (June 15th) and then he would know what the polyp is doing.

The thing is, and I have posted this before, this is not a new polyp. Did my fertility clinic not think it would be a good idea to do a D &C and remove it at the root--(when I wasn't pregnant and bleeding would not an issue)? Or how about just do an ultraound to see how deep it was--since they were ALWAYS in their looking at stuff anyway. My doctor seemed disapppointed that they did not remove it prior to IVF/FET (and prbably IUI's for that matter).

On a different note, I found out that someone I know went for her 9 week u/s and the baby didn't have a heartbeat and was measuring 6 weeks. The worst part is they want it to pass on it's own, and if it doesn't in 10 days then she will have the D&C. I feel so horrible. Not that I know how she feels, but that she has to go through this at all. I feel so sad for her experience today and the lasting effect this will have on her.

Even on my way to the doctor today I always have this impending sense of fear. I feel baby move a lot and I still am on guard when a doppler or ultrasound wand is close. But that is because I am prepared for the worst. People who just walk into their OB/GYN offices waiting to hear good news--they aren't expecting the worst---and they will never be able to be that naive again. There is an innocent that is lost in me and that I have heard form my felllow infertiles and women with recurrent loss.

I will never know what pregnancy would have been like without the saddnesss of disappointment or the fear of the worst hovering over me. And that makes me sad. Maybe one day it won't matter, but today is not that day. Not the weekend of Mother's Day--when last year I was sitting in the fertility clinic trying another Methotrexate shot and continually paranoid about a rupture AND sad about the forced (and necessary) loss of my pregnancy.

Having a moment

On Friday night I had a (very) mini break down. I felt really uncomfortable and just unhappy and probably more scared and anxiety filled than anything else. I prayed and thought maybe God could help me get out of my funk--because I wasn't doing a very good job. Saturday morning I went to get my nails done and there was a long line that I didn't have time or patience to wait in so I went to the shoe store---and who did I see? Nurse Jackie (also known as my nurse from the fertility clinic). I couldn't believe it--a chance encounter that seemed like an answer to my prayers. It was like God was saying--

Jenn, are you serious? You are going to be depreseed? Remember how badly you want this? Your shower is today and a year ago this time (Mother's Day) you were getting another Methotrexate shot. Look at how far you have  come and all you have to be thankful for---snap out of it.

So, I snapped out of it. I cried a little and thanked God alot. Then I felt better.

The shower was perfect and beautiful and all of the supportive people in my life were there. The baby got tons of wonferful gifts. It was really a fabulous day I couldn't have asked for anything better. Having the baby's things in the house and starting to paint the nursery has calmed my anxiety a little too.

We have our infant CPR class tonight for 4 hours---what takes that long I am not sure--but this is the class my husband is adament about taking and I think it is important too (of course).

32 Weeks Tomorrow

..and I maintain my title for a lax blogger. And I have no real excuse either. Things have been going along. Last week I had some spotting so I went in and the doc sent me for an ultrasound AND took a culture. The ultrasound was unreal. It was 3-D and I just couldn't believe it--for some reason I was expecting to see what we always see on ultrasounds--bones and things--but there is a REAL baby in there. And the baby is adorable. I do think it looks like a boy, but we will find out soon enough--56 days.

The ultrasound came back fine--no placenta previa--only a polyp at the opening of my cervix which the doctor will remove at delivery if it is pushed out. The doctor (my OB, not an RE ---keep in mind) said that could be the reason for my infertility. This isn't the first polyp I have had (its actually the same one, but the top has been cut off several times) last May and in Sept at my clinic they removed (cut) the same polyp. And at my last OB appt for a pap smear they cut it. It doesn't hurt or anything and it has no symptomology--the cause isn't really anything. The best reason I got is some people have more polys than others--it's the equivalent of a skin tag--but if it is not taken at the root it just keeps coming back. I really wonder if it was a road block on my fertility struggle---although it couldn't be that easy of an explination, right?

And the culture came back that I have an infection and a yeast infection (neither of which I have any symptoms of) so I have to take antibiotics--the scary thing is I am so so afraid now that the baby will get/or has an infection. I have read too much about baby's passing in the birth canal with an infection in mom and ending up with Menningitis--I know I am catastrophizing. They are going to test again at 36 weeks to see if it is gone. So until then, I am praticing my lack of control and putting it out of my mind. Also interesting though is back in Sept I had to hold of on my FET because of an infection --endometritis. At the time my RE said it probably meant nothing and was not the cause for alarm, but since they found it, they would treat it.

The baby is a true wiggle worm--moves like a wild one--keeps me up at night wiggling! I am in no rush for my pregnancy to be over (yet). I have had some great advice from people--one man came up to me the other day and said, 'you know, I can't remember a time when I wasn't a dad'. That is probably the one thing that I am (most) excited for and scares me to death.  We are on the brink of this new chapter in our lives and the old chapter closes now---I imagine we will see glimpses of this life--but this is a true gamechanger.

My shower is Saturday and I can't wait to see what the baby gets! Although again, equal parts fear and excitement.

Easter

Tomorrow is Easter. I know this will sound whiny and ungrateful, but I have never believed in not learning from life. The day before Easter last year was my first methotrexate shot. Which was followed by nausea and one of the worst headaches of my life. Easter I called my doctor who gave me something for the nausea and gave me the okay to take my migraine medication--which helped a little, but not enough to save Easter. And to be honest, my husband spent most of the day watching golf--so I laid in bed alone, miserable and horribly emotional.  I cannot believe that was a year ago. A million miles away from where we are now....expecting our baby.

It still makes me sad and I still have no idea how I got through it---Easter was my first methotrexate shot and my 3rd shot was Mothers Day. I wonder sometimes what it would have been like to get pregnant naturally--I imagine a pregnancy that would have been organic and filled with excitement--instead of riddled with fear and the unknown.

I know this may seem insensitive, but it would be worse if I just went ahead and pretended one of our pregnancies didn't ended in a horrible and fear filled time.

Although we have come very far---and I feel absolutely blessed and believe that our baby is a miracle---there is a space in my heart for the baby that never was---

Whoa!!

Last night I had a migraine--whatever. Then all was better this AM and then this afternoon at 5 PM I was sitting at my desk and talking to one of the staff I work with and the room started spinning--so much so I actually had to hold on to my desk to keep myself sitting. It hasn't happened since, but I am totally freaked out by it. I have read online it could be diabetes, low blood pressure, high pressure, anemia, etc etc--who cares I am totally freaked that it is going to happen again when I am driving or something! WTF. I have my diabetic test next Friday and it is not high blood pressure because I test it at home. I am going to make sure they do the iron test when they do the diabetic test too.

I was going along fine and then another symptom..and I am sure there are more to come.

My one year anniversay...

March 20th--the anniversary of our retrieval. It is so different from this vantage point--if I had only known then what I know now it would have saved me a lot of ---feelings. For better or worse. I have grown so so  much over the past year and now that my future is filled with learning experiences based in child-rearing-- I hope I am able to  rise to the occasion. I am blessed to have  a husband who is a partner--even if he did try to get me to sign a contract that said he only had to change 10% of the diapers. I know that I couldn't do this alone--I mean I guess anything is possible--but I would rather not.

My tummy is so big now I am convinced I am having a toddler! I have my dr appt on Friday and I don't think he is going to be happy with the weight gain--and then I have to scheudle my gestational diabetes test--which I am kind of nervous about.

I bought an at home blood pressure machine to put my mind at ease about preecalmpsyia---my BP is normally low and that is what the at home meter said--when my husband checked his--it was high--like 140/90---so we went to the pharmacy to pick up a script  (not for BP) and we used the machine there and again mine was low and his was high--he checked it again this AM and it went down (a little). So my peace e of mind turned into something not so peaceful for him---

Baby is moving around and my shower invites are out--which makes me nervous about my registry--so overwhelming!