Boot straps

I keep remembering/thinking about this moment right before my last notice that I had to have a 3rd Methotrexate shot. It was the AM and it was the day before the next test to see if the HCG was dropping and I was done. I got up sat in a chair and said to my DH, "I can't leave this chair, if anybody needs something from me or wants to give me something, like a shot, they are going to have to come to this chair". And I meant it. It seemed to hard to move forward, but it was not an option to stop. I think that is where I am now. Back in that chair. As hard as it is to move forward into FET , how can I not?

I have never been afraid of failure--I have been afraid of tons of other things, but never failing. I am not afraid to failing every IVF and FET. I am afraid of trying and afraid of that feeling of hope working its way back into my life. I haven't had the option to try for the past 3 months so there was no hope each month, although the disappointment of not being able to try at all has been there. I've decided to stop writing hopes on the bottom of my blogs--I am changing to quotes instead. I need hope to take a vacation (at least) for awhile.

'In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." — Robert Frost