Grace

The past few days I have been watching tons of Desperate Housewives. I love to watch tv shows back to back and I have Netflix delivered to my Apple TV so it is so easy to have this addiciton. I never wacthed it before but I am all the way at Season 6--going to be ready for Season 8 (The final season to start the end of September). Anyway, I watch it all night and after my husband falls asleep. Well, two nights ago I was watching this episode about the Handy Man and I couldn't stop crying--I was going to blame the Doxycycline (but who blames an antibiotic for tearfulness?). Not depressed, not even sad---crying. A lot. This happened to me a lot when I was watching Sex and the City too. So, I am not sure that this is about fertility. Don't get me wrong it has been a tough year filled with challenges (and good things too). I feel somewhat traumatized by the whole year, but the explosion of crying, is odd.

I am spiritual/religious. I listen to sermons from St Peter's Episcopal Church 's website--I am not Episcopal, but I think deep down I might be....I really enjoy listening to Rev Janet Broderick speak http://www.stpetersmorristown.org/worship/sermons. She speaks about real life. On Mother's Day 2011--she sings the cutest song ever. She addresses the idea male/female God/Jesus. She repeats a quote, "In the womb of the mother is the wisdom of the father"--which kind of settles it. For without a woman, there would be no Son of Man. It's an important role. Even Jesus couldn't be born without a woman. I prayed so hard to Mary to be my divine intercessor over the past almost 3 years. Now, I think I am looking for any meaning at all--I used to think that I just had to patient and my time would come. Now I am not so sure. It's not enough anymore to just wait and try again and again. To hear quips from others about my fertility or when we will have our child, or how we will have our child--I don'e even listen anymore. I believe that prayers are answered, I still hold that truth. They may not be answered the way we want or think we need, but they will be answered. I don't believe in quips anymore. If this happens it will be an answered prayer. If this doesn't happen, I fear that will be an answered prayer. I have prayed, I have asked God, it is in his hands now. That is the truth I am taking forward. This feels different than hope to me, this is a destination, this moment. Maybe this moment is an answered prayer too.

'Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self. '
Francis of Assisi