Out of Place

All the blogs I follow are about infertility. Now I am starting to feel like I don't belong anymore. I will never consider my DH and I as a couple, fertile, but can I really consider us infertile? Perhaps the memories of the clinic and the ectopic are keeping me too tentative. I changed my planner/calendar today and every year at this timeI thumb through the pages of the previous year to make sure that there are no bussiness cards or numbers I may need to transfer over. And there they were--the ectopic numbers --highlighted (why I highlighted???) --on basically every other day--there they were---up and down. I realize that I can't hang on to them anymore. Not if I want the baby that we have growing to feel entirely welcomed. I don't belong back there in that mind space. It has stopped me from being excited and kept me freaked the first 12 weeks of this pregnency. It's over. I am going to file it away with my planner from 2011.

Every year I write a letter to the previous year---here is my letter to 2011.....

Dear 2011

Last year I looked forward to you, since your predecessor was easily and happily excused. But some days it felt like you would never end and I wished I had never looked forward to you. You tried to steal my hope almost successfully. You tried to steal my spirit, but lost. 2011, I harbor no resentments because you have taught me, through experience, the 'sweet is not so sweet without the sour'.

Forlorn at times, but ending better than where we started. I bid you farewell 2011, it is with fear and happiness I know I will revisit you often to remind me of my resilience.

Warm regards:
U know who


PS 2012, None of this is intended to be a dare....