Wednesday-October 26th

Can you say panic attack. I woke up in the middle of the night—my neck went from hurting on one side to both sides and I guess to me that triggered FEAR/ANXIETY/PANIC. 2 am (this is actually Wed Am) I have a full blown panic attack—sweats/chills/pulse racing/mind racing. Really! I was up til about 5 and decided not to wake DH since---what was he going to do ? Chances are I would have just been pissed—which tends to happen when I am in panic mode—short short temper. 

My nurse called to tell me my thyroid looked good. I asked her if the pain in my neck was normal—she said not normal, but didn’t seemed worried as I was about an internal hemoorage. She again told me I could come in again for an HCG, but what would it tell us really? Part of me wants to go in and part of me wants to just be pregnant right now and if I find out bad news on Sunday then that is Sunday---I told 2 more of my colleagues who validated that of course I feel anxious and scared and self protective after the trauma of the ectopic

IN the evening I seemed better—even my neck which has been the worst it had been during the day—relaxed by the evening. It seemed like the anxiety was gone. My mood was better and I was able to get some sleep.

Tuesday October 25th

I woke up and the pain in my shoulder/neck seemed worse! I called my nurse and on her message reported that I knew I was a freak but could I come in for blood work, or could she call to reassure me that this probably was not an ectopic. She called and said blood work is just a number and there is no way to see anything prior to Sunday—so to come in and not see anything before Sunday would be worse for me. I asked if the chances of this being ectopic are small because of the good betas and she said she has seen it both way (Screeching hault)---couldn’t see have lied to me!! What I was using for my peace of mind---was just discounted---although everything I have read  *and experienced* says spotting—not doubling HCG’, pain are ectopic indicators---and I don’t have those things. COME ON!!!

I had been panicked all day and could barely work—had to actually leave a meeting early because I was freaking out too much. The day was horrible. Tons of web-mding which had me convinced I was bleeding internally since my neck pain spanned out to my shoulder. Which is a symptom of hemmooragh—but when I was still alive later in the day I figured it might not be--

I decided to go back to the ortho doctor—he said MRI, but then said PT after he found out I was pregnant—he shared that his wife used clomid 2 out of her 3 pregnancies—she had 3 c-sections.He also told me if it was a hemmoragh I would probably have pain—what does he know about it—he is an ortho doc not an RE!!

I went to dinner with my husband after and when I told him I had the worst day ever he said, and I quote, “Tomorrow is another day” –the only other words of wisdom he offered were, ‘maybe it is your hormones that are making you anxious:--I told him never to say either of those things again. 

The most interesting thing that happened today is I googled 13dp6dt transfer and my own blog came up and sure enough it was this same time last cycle that things went bad! When I was convinced I miscarried, but it was the beginning of discovering the ectopic—it was like my mind subconsciously knew---I wondered if I had not properly dealt with the ectopic of if this was just residual damage. I thought of the quote,
“When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”
- Alexander Graham Bell -

It didn’t make the anxiety go away, but it definitely represented what I was feeling.

Monday-October 24th

My neck was bothering me today—but not as bad as when I tweaked it yesterday. I I decided to tell my colleague about the pregnancy just so I didn’t feel so isolated in the process. She was great –she is a fellow infertile (now pregnant) so she was someone who can relate on a lot of levels—sans ectopic (which I am happy she never had to experience). Things were good in general—really fine. Did some amazon.com-ing for nursery prints and then went home and went to bed---I woke up at 2 am-like clockwork—and couldn’t really get back to sleep.

Sunday-October 23rd

This is the longest I have ever waited for a call back—4:30 on a Sunday they called!!!! I almost paged them, but the rule is if they don’t call by 7:30 then you can call them. And what was the number??? 698! That’s a big big number=if we had transferred 2 I would have been sure it is twins. But one it is, so that hopefully means it is one strong baby (and possibly and early implanter). The down side to this big number is I only need 2 betas---since the second was over 300—they just wait for the ultrasound at this point---so the return date is Sunday—October 30^th!

Friday-October 21st

Waiting does suck. I went early to get my blood work and my nurse called really early like 10 am—She said “You did it, the number is 221, you have been through so much to get here and I am so happy for you”.  I told her I wasn’t going to get excited yet, she said, well I am going to get excited for you. I called my DH—and he seemed excited (but tentative)—and excited. I hate that I had to tell him like this, but when I mentioned it to him, he said he didn’t care how he found out—so that Lucy-Rikki moment means more to me than it does to him, so I guess it really sucks for me.

It’s amazing. I was so happy in the car on the way home I started crying. All those months and years with sad and bad news, I kept thinking God didn’t want me to be a mom, that he didn’t think I would be good at it, and now in this moment, I feel blessed---honored. Without my Faith this would not have happened. I know that for sure. God is good.

Back on Sunday for more blookwork.

Wed-October 12th

Obviously, you will see in the posts I put up today that we decided to do an FET on October 12th--I couldn't blog about it publically until we told the people close to us, so todays posts are all catch-up for you and for me! Sorry about the confusion, but the dates of the events are the titles of the blogs....

The transfer day—we were told to come in around 1. The best doctor was there. She is so positive and calm. This time around I actually drank too much and they let me empty my bladder a little—which was awesome so I wasn’t wishing I could go to the bathroom as soon as it was over. The doctor came in and showed us the picture and said, It’s beautiful. She also said she didn’t know the gender –she said she doesn’t even look when the couple doesn’t want to know because she doesn’t want to slip. I told her my ectopic fears and she said, don’t even say that, we aren’t even going to think about that. When we were walking in she turned around and said to me, Jenn, I want you to stay really calm. I said, oh because that comes so easily for me. She said, I can tell. When she was doing the transfer she said relax every muscle in your body! And think of your uterus—no tubes. Then, when it was over I tried to sit up and they were like WHOA! What are you doing—oops I guess I forgot that I got wheeled out—doctor said no worries. I laid in the bed and cleared my head, didn’t talk and just relaxed while my DH held my hand. I was so happy I didn’t have acupuncture this time—because I just wanted to lie there and put every thought out of my mind---for 30 minutes—then I went to empty my bladder. We got lunch, went home and were told to come back for bloodwork in 2 days and our pregnancy test would be October 21^st----Waiting and Waiting---but I know I better get used to it. We have decided to tell nobody, to protect them from another roller coaster ride. Also, I want to protect myself from having to ‘untell them’—if that makes sense. I just want to be alone with this.

No good deed...

About a month ago the saying, 'No Good Deed Goes Unpunished' kept racing through my head. Because I was so tired of looking out to help others and then being slapped in the face. I would do something nice for another person and in return, they would get what they wanted and I would be stagnant. It's not even like I was looking for a thank you, it just seemed like the universe trying to show me others happiness over and over--(Nice blaming out, huh?). So, anyway it turns out infertility has not only taken my hope, it has taken my want to help others too! Nice. Also, it has taken away my ability to be excited about things. Like there is always this dark cloud of infertility hanging over my head, following me around. I feel like EYORE!! And I don't even like Winnie the Pooh.  I think I really am an  EEyore, check it out for yourself in that link! Shit.


"It's not much of a tail"-Eeyore