Tuesday October 25th

I woke up and the pain in my shoulder/neck seemed worse! I called my nurse and on her message reported that I knew I was a freak but could I come in for blood work, or could she call to reassure me that this probably was not an ectopic. She called and said blood work is just a number and there is no way to see anything prior to Sunday—so to come in and not see anything before Sunday would be worse for me. I asked if the chances of this being ectopic are small because of the good betas and she said she has seen it both way (Screeching hault)---couldn’t see have lied to me!! What I was using for my peace of mind---was just discounted---although everything I have read  *and experienced* says spotting—not doubling HCG’, pain are ectopic indicators---and I don’t have those things. COME ON!!!

I had been panicked all day and could barely work—had to actually leave a meeting early because I was freaking out too much. The day was horrible. Tons of web-mding which had me convinced I was bleeding internally since my neck pain spanned out to my shoulder. Which is a symptom of hemmooragh—but when I was still alive later in the day I figured it might not be--

I decided to go back to the ortho doctor—he said MRI, but then said PT after he found out I was pregnant—he shared that his wife used clomid 2 out of her 3 pregnancies—she had 3 c-sections.He also told me if it was a hemmoragh I would probably have pain—what does he know about it—he is an ortho doc not an RE!!

I went to dinner with my husband after and when I told him I had the worst day ever he said, and I quote, “Tomorrow is another day” –the only other words of wisdom he offered were, ‘maybe it is your hormones that are making you anxious:--I told him never to say either of those things again. 

The most interesting thing that happened today is I googled 13dp6dt transfer and my own blog came up and sure enough it was this same time last cycle that things went bad! When I was convinced I miscarried, but it was the beginning of discovering the ectopic—it was like my mind subconsciously knew---I wondered if I had not properly dealt with the ectopic of if this was just residual damage. I thought of the quote,
“When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”
- Alexander Graham Bell -

It didn’t make the anxiety go away, but it definitely represented what I was feeling.