Shotty

I just had the shot. Anyone who has had Methotrexate knows it is actually 2 shots each dose. So technically, I have had 6 shots. But, they confirmed I have lost 3.5 lbs since my last weigh in (and since I started Weight Watchers a week and a half ago). I feel good as of now. Although I am still leaning toward not doing this again ever. I used to read blogs and wonder how people knew they were at the end of their journey with infertility. In this moment I am finished, maybe that will change tomorrow, in 3 months or in 3 years. I could say this was a sign or that I have a bad feeling, which I do believe are both true to some degree. This just doesn't feel right, more than the wind leaving my sails. I jsut don't know how much fight I have in me now. This took so much out of me and continues to, being a mother would take a million times more, and maybe I am not strong enough. If I doubt it, maybe I should not be trying. I saw a couple at the doctor today with an ultraosund picture. The man looked so happy and kept looking at the picture and trying to show it to the woman, she looked numb and wouldn't even pay it any attention. What was wrong with her? Did she know not to get excited because she has had so many disappopintments? Did she realize that after completing one HUGE journey of infertiliy, now she faces a pregnancy journey and then motherhood? Was it just shock and awe? It made me sad. Sad for me and my DH who are at a the completely different end of the spectrum, never seeing our baby's heartbeat or getting to an ultrasound picture. Waiting for week after week for the pregnancy to dissolve and poisoning my body to make that happen. I will survive all of this, but I won't be the same after it is said and done.

My hope, this methotrexate shot is the one that leads us to HCG 0.