Let the games begin...

It seems this is my last night without some sort of fertility intervention for some time. We have paid our dues (literally) and the games begin tomorrow. Blood work in the AM and then probably an 11AM call from my nurse confirming the start of Estrace by one method or another. I am a little melancholy about the whole thing. Less excited than I thought I would be and also less nervous and not at all scared. I met my husband for dinner and driving home I realized, I like my solitude, I like being alone sometimes. I know moms get to be alone, but barely ever I imagine. Of course a baby in the car with my probably won't mind me singing Britney, right?

Maybe this is just my brain readying for any possible disappointments that might come. Although, I have always thought it was funny that I try so hard to not get excited because I think the disappointment will be worse if I am excited. When the truth is, disappointment stinks not matter how hard you try to pretend you are not excited. I guess there are some emotions (okay most, if not all) that are outside of our control. The truth is I have no control over any of this. I say the Serenity Prayer because this whole process has taught me so much, the least of those things has been the amount of powerlessness I have in my life. And even if I try to have control over things, I don't have it. In the past I would get really anxious when I was in a situation I didn't have control over. Not so much anymore. It is one of the great lessons I will take with me when I am far beyond these days of fertility concerns.

My hope for today, that we are at the threshold of a success story.

Fortunate

Went to pick up my Estrace from the pharmacy today and the pharmacist, who looked to be around 22, said to me, "There were no specific, and, uh, um, I kinda could figure out what you were using it for, uh, so...." I told him that my doctor was going to tell me how to use it and then he said, "good, so you will see the doctor for more specific instructions, because it can be taken a lot of different ways" I said yes, then he said the same thing again and looked at me. I am not embarrassed or anything about fertility, but this interaction lasted a few minutes and ended with him blankly staring at me, it was awkward at best. 

Yesterday the husband and I were at Costco, buying what boiled down to a package of 20 packs of gum. We were in the longest check out line with three kids (1 under a year and the other two were probably 3 and 5). The two older children kept walking around the cart singing , tisket a tasket (which I previously to that moment, never knew all the words to), over and over and over and over---when we got in the car my husband said, I can do 1 maybe 2, but not 3! We then laughed in agreement at the fact that the father of these children had a desperate "get me out of here" look on his face. It was like he was in a daze and the mother was just cuddling the baby. Then we both talked about how much we like our lives now. Is that bad to say? I mean we really like our lives and if we don't have a baby, I think we will be fine. As long as there are children in the Costco line to remind us of how lucky we are to just need gum. Honestly, we can eat potato chips for breakfast, lunch and dinner and be totally fine. I suppose this doesn't sound like a fertility blog right now, but right now, this is how I feel and I make not apologies.

We went for Chinese food last night for my grandmother's 90th birthday--and this was my fortune, "Little acorns lead to mighty oaks.". For so many reasons I love it and it is so relevant.

My hope for today--that The King's Speech wins best picture--I really like it.

What a long, strange trip it's been.

Here they are. Surprisingly, I thought I was going to be overwhelmed with the amount, but I am not. It really is just one more set of shots and bigger doses than I had with my IUI's with injectables. Some of the things are for after--anti-biotic, steroids and progesterone.I think I can handle this--I think, for now, in this moment--I can handle this.

I was reading another blog that I follow and she was talking about one of her fertility support group friend's just had a baby. She said when she was holding the baby (who was a PGD baby), she thought, I can't believe you made it through a retrieval a biopsy and became a human.  I had not thought of all the things our baby will have gone through even before it is a zygote! He/She will be a strong, determined, survivor. I am in awe of his/her journey already!

Yesterday I was thinking about how this IVF, our first, is aggressive. ICSI, assisted hatching (if necessary), and PGD. It is great to be really standing at the threshold of having some answers about our fertility (How do my eggs look? Will our embryos develop?). It is also a lot scarier to know that if this doesn't work, there is little to do, except maybe tweaking some meds for the development of more eggs. Few things in life are this scary AND this exciting all at the same time--except, maybe, roller coasters--but they last 2 mins--and this seems to be taking forever. Although, if we are successful this go-round, this will be our last weeks/months of our life as we know it now. The end of a chapter. That is why I am not rushing---well, not that much anyway. 

Our wedding song is, "Have a Little Faith in Me" and my fertility inspiration/coping song is "Faith" by Jordin Sparks. Coincidentally (or maybe not so coincidentally), they both are about faith. Faith and Hope are the feelings I curse and I need everyday.

My hope for today...that our last days as a couple of infertiles..are numbered

June List

I am a firm believer in having something to look forward to. I am giving myself until June to have IVF work (or maybe July, depending on when the IVF starts and whether or not it is canceled.). To be happy regardless of the outcome (baby or no baby) I have made a list of things I will get if the IVF is not successful. So far my list is...A). Jeep Wrangler--because I have always wanted one--just cause  B).Go to Colorado (I have never gone there and it looks SO beautiful---again, just cause).  I am going to keep adding stuff to my list. It keeps me in a positive mind set. C). Another Dog! I am going to get another dog..just cause.

When I was making light of infertility at work today, one of my colleagues said she had a hard time getting pregnant, and she decided to buy herself a car and give up on trying to get pregnant---and a month after buying the new car she got pregnant--so there is another infertility myth in the making. Want a baby, go to your local car dealer. 

My hope for today ---That I don't see Colorado any time soon!

The missing 'peace'

The moment I realized I loved my husband was the moment I realized that if I were to hurt him, him being hurt would make me hurt. And since I am not into self mutilation I try my best to never hurt him and if I do accidentally do so, I own up to it quicky.

I have also learned over my relationships that love is not something that happens to you, for me, love is a choice. I chose everyday to love my husband and I chose to be dedicated and faithful to him -- but it didn't fall into my lap.

My boss gave me this article, http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/13/fashion/13Cultural.html, and although I have no idea why she gave it to me, I really enjoyed reading it. She wrote on it, "Thought you would enjoy this!" So, she has that going for her.  I love the theory behind it and I think it is a great example of how my relationship with my husband evolved. This article truly reflects the flow that my marriage works within.

So, all this love talk is because we have really found our groove. We get this, now what? J. said to me a few months back when we were talking about the (im)possibility of not having children, "Don't take this the wrong way, but I feel like if we didn't have kids, something would be missing.". I know there are probably wives who would hear that and become angry or hurt or feel like it was something they were lacking. I just heard it, for what it was, and agreed. Without a child, we will still have great times, but would their be an emptiness in them? We would still laugh, but not about the  hundreds of  things parents laugh at when their children say or do funny things. We will still be proud of each other, but never know the feeling of our child winning an award or graduating from college. We will love eachother completely, but never know that feeling that a mother/father has for their child the first time they see them.

My hope for today...we will have the complete package!

The imperfect

In my twenties I remember meeting this gorgeous guy and going on a date with him. I mean he was beautiful. When we went out I couldn't wait for the night to be over, he was really nice and seemed like a perfect gentleman--but 100% dumb. He was the male version of Jessica Simpson. I passed his house the other day and it reminded me of him. Upon remembering it the experience just proved to me, God might give you a lot, but he is not going to give anyone the whole package.

My happy place is OBX---every summer I go there with my family and spend two weeks---in pure relaxation. One of my favorite things to do there is visit the Whale Head Cub. It is this old mansion type house, and when I first visited it there wasn't a lot of furniture in it, and every year the curator finds more original pieces and adds them to the house. It's a work in progress (like all of us), but it is beautiful at every stage(like all of us). My favorite place on the Whalehead Club tour is the kitchen. Big beautiful kitchen---all pink tile--except one white tile. When the tour guide brings you to the kitchen he/she states, "It is believed that there is one white tile, because nothing is ever perfect, except God". I get scared sometimes because I love my life; I have a great husband, a fabulous and supportive family and I feel very complete, except for one thing--our baby.

Sidenote: The original owners of the Whale head Club, the Knights, I always got the sense that they were childless*--and I think this picture confirms it for me.




*Except one Fur-baby


My hope for today..that one day we believe our child is a truly perfect gift that God created (imperfections and all)!

Ok with the unknown...

When I went to my follow up after my 6th and last IUI in December didn't work, my original plan consisted of BCP's and then hopefully start the process in March. Well, about two weeks later when I went to have my catheter measurement done (seriously!) I reminded my RE about my contra-indicated migraines. When I told her that she changed my plan to using Estrace priming. I have no idea how long I have to be on it because my nurse didn't send me the updated plan--she did send me the script for Estrace--A 30 - day supply of Estrace. Which stinks because I am starting it on day 21 (March 1st). Depending on how long they keep me on Estrace---my retrieval could be in April AND with the PPD biopsy happening on day 5 (or 6) there is a good chance all our embryos will be frozen--which means May!


 My nurse did say to have all my fertility meds and all my $$$ in to the clinic by March 1st--so maybe it will just be Estrace on days 21-28 (until the end of my period) and then day 3 will start again with my injections. I should really call my nurse to clarify--but I am just trying to relax before March 1st.

My hope for today---that  my baby doesn't come out Estrace blue...If it does I am naming him/her Gargamel

The big I F

Still in my anticipatory 2 ww. I found out yesterday that my new expensive insurance comes with a doubled co-pay. So now those 10+ ultrasounds come with another large sum of money. I know I shouldn't complain, but it is just another thing.

This cool thing happened (and I know the fertility challenged tend to find meaning in the smallest thing). I am starting a new job and I went to the physical today. The 100 year old doc pointed at me and said,'this job makes you pregnant'. Apparently, the woman who had the job is due in 2 weeks, which means i have to train with a very pregnant fertile next week. Although maybe she got the job to pay for an expensive co-pay too! I also have this new method, when I see pregnant women I say to them, in my mind, 'congrats on the ivf working!'




My hope for today...that the doctor's diagnosis was right!

My hero...

So, eventhough J didn't handle the finacial rep the way I would have. It all worked out. He called and got our new financial rep assigned and all the insurance is figured out at this point. We still have to pay $4500.00 for genetic testing if we want it, but otherwise it is all covered. The genetic testing is day 5 testing when the embryo's are further developed. The plus side is that the embryos are more developed so less of chance of damaging them. One of the downsides is they usually end up freezing them because they can't biopsy them until day 6. We are not 100% sure we are doing this yet. This is also the test that let's you pick the sex of the baby (which I previously let you know, we don't want to do).

I also got a call from the pharmacy, and I could NOT believe the amount of medication. I mean I knew, but hearing it all said to me---shocking. I also called my nurse for the updated plan--since we changed it from BCP to Estrace priming. I am still excitecd to start, and I am excited to wait to start. I guess I am torn.

My hope for today ...that I only have to take all those meds that are coming to my house (in a LARGE package)---one time.

Tearing up...

I have found two reactions with family when you tell them you are dealing with your fertility---over or under involved. I do think it is funny that so often we wish people would say the right thing, but I don't really know what the right thing is---I really give people a pass, I keep my expectations low.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow and J and I have decided to give each other the gift of medical insurance--with the amount we spend on it each month--who can afford flowers! The truth is I know J loves me---I knew it before we were dealing with this (obviously), but since, it has become even clearer to me. After our 5th IUI I was really devastated. I couldn't believe it. He sat with me and said simply, 'I just want you to be happy, I hate to see you like this'. I have a bunch of stories like that in my memory with J. I couldn't be luckier or loved more. He really has shown me what love is and I know, that someday soon, he will be the best dad in the world!

I have found this great website that really does make me laugh  http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/
It is absolutely hysterical! I love it! I am still loving the 2 ww wait before the storm of fertility medication. I am also going to let J deal with the clinic's financial dept--after watching Young Victoria, I realize that he needs to have a job in all of this. A job that extends  beyond 5 minutes and a sterile cup.



My hope for tonight is..that next year I get to celebrate Valentine's Day by reading this to J and remembering what is what like to struggle with fertility feelings VS. waking up in the middle of the night with a baby.

A different kind of 2 ww

Let me vent first and then move on to my recent thoughts---My financial rep sent me a letter (prior to going on vacation) telling me how I am expected to pay $16,000 before the start of my cycle. I feel like leaving her a message and just saying--"Did you even CALL my new insurance company". At this point I am giving it to J to deal with--but I think I might change my mind on that by Monday.I do want a new financial person though--this woman is not acceptable and is stressing me out.

So, I went for the blood work on Friday--all good--On March 1st I go in for blood work and if all looks good, we start the ESTRACE priming cycle--which hopefully will just be a 8 days and not 2-3 weeks! March 1st is exactly one year from the day we started at our clinic. I found some symbolism in that, although J did not. I think as people dealing with fertility we find meaning with most things---for instance, our insemination is on Mother's Day--that is a sign, or Father's Day, Christmas (all of which I have had either an U/S or insemination) and none of them resulted in anything.

When I went to the clinic on Friday and pulled up (it's early so 99% of the people are all going to the same office), there was a woman walking out distraught with her husband--It immediately made me feel sad. I wanted to go up to her, and give her a hug--and I am not a hugger. Then when I went in to get my bloodwork there was a woman in there for the first time--so much hope, so much happiness and excitement. Two extremes--those extremes exist for me everyday recently. One moment fine, and then a comment or a glimpse and I feel almost in tears. This brings me to an odd realization. Baring any financial mumbo jumbo, these are the last 2 weeks and 2 days medication free. I really want to enjoy these days, they feel light on pressure and almost the calm before the storm. I don't have to go to the clinic, I don't have to have an ultrasound, I don't have to shoot myself with hormones---nothing, but wait--usually during this process I hate waiting--this one I am okay with, for now.

My hope for today ---that one day we will have a child that realizes how much their mom and dad loves them---and even when I am not patient with them, they know that it is only because I wasted all my patience waiting for them to arrive!

ooops...

So, when I walked into the clinic this AM, ready to advocate away, the receptionist said, JUST BLOODWORK. Ooops, so maybe that is why my financial rep didn't call for pre-approval. There was nothing to pre-approve. My bad. I had to call her and leave a message letting her know that the insurance company was going to be calling her and asked her to call me back because I still have a question about coverage. She called me at 2:45 and left me a message to tell me she is out of the office next week.

The clinic we use offers this 'state of the art' test that they created that tests 21-chromosomes on embryos post retrieval. They test for a bunch of genetic differences which, as you would imagine, increases the chances that the best embryo is chosen for the transfer. And hopefully decreases chances of miscarriage and birth defects. Of course this is also the test that allows you to chose the sex of your baby. Which we have opted not to do, just pick the two best embryos (baring everything goes well). My doctor kept saying, 'Are you sure you don't want to know?'. My husband and I decided that if all the embryos are created close to equal (again, baring there are embryos to chose from), then they probably just pick one girl and one boy. Anything else seems to upset the normal order of things. Oh wait, normal? I never use normal to describe what we are doing. Actually, I never use normal at all--the word itself carries to much judgment.

Today I had one of those moments of clarity. Most of the time going through all this I am on automatic pilot, just going along, always waiting for the next trip to the clinic, blood test, ultrasound, medication. Then all of the sudden I will feel stopped in a moment. This is real. We are really dealing with fertility. We are really going to do this? Oh wait, we have done this?  We are going to have embryologist make our baby through ICSI? I never felt this way through my IUI's. Not one time, I guess for me that still seemed natural, where as this next step seems surreal.

When I was younger and I would say, "I never want kids" people would say, 'you say that now, but just wait'.  I am starting to believe the whole, be careful what you wish for...

I have set June 2011 as the deadline for all this IVF stuff. I say that now anyway.  If by June we are not pregnant, I am starting to smoke cigarettes again (2 years, 5 months and 1 day), buying a convertible BMW and quitting my job to work at WAL-MART (...just because).

My hope for today...that I never smoke another cigarette.

Something to have control over....

Just when I thought my anger was gone! I am supposed to go in tomorrow for day 3 U/S and B/W. I have waited (what seems like forever) to start IVF. I finally change insurance this month (and pay a lot of money to have it). Last Wed (2.2.11) I called up the clinic's financial person who is assigned to me and give her my new insurance number and she gave me---attitude. I had a bad feeling about her attitude from the start of the interaction. I hear nothing from her and assume that we are good to go. I knew day 1 was coming, I had not heard from her so I give her a call on Tuesday (2.6.11)..and leave her a message. I also decided to speak with someone else in finance just to make sure that something is under way as far as pre-approvals go. When I spoke with the financial person she pulled me up in the computer and said, "No, there is nothing in here, are you sure you don't have the same insurance?"---for real? She assured me she would email my financial rep and look me up on the insurance website to see if my name is there (what she was going to do with that information, don't know).



I let Wed go, as to not be a pest, and then this AM I called and left another message. Remembering I am supposed to be in there tomorrow at 7am to start the cycle before the IVF cycle---which I will tell you about if I get my instructions tomorrow. Anyways, I got busy at work and didn't get the change to call anyone until 4:15, at which time I decide to call the insurance company directly, hoping for the best---but. The very nice insurance rep (who knew they were so helpful) said that he would reach out to the financial person himself, he puts me on hold and he gets her voice mail. He was so great he said that the B/W will be fine, but the ultrasound definitely needs pre-approval--not to mention an insurance company does not like to be left out of the loop--this isn't just an ultrasound, it is the pre-pre- pre-pre-pre IVF ultrasound.

The insurance rep was so great he told me that sometimes it is possible to get pre-approvals after the appointment is complete and he would call my financial person as soon as he got to work tomorrow and tell her to submit it! I don't think she is going to be happy that I circumvented her, but I am not happy she ignored my pre-approval need.

My plan is to go to the clinic tomorrow and speak to the nurse (and I think a financial person is there too). My hope is that they will at least take the blood and then work on the getting the pre approval and I can always come back on Sat for the ultra sound---or later in the day on Friday.

My point is, if my cycle gets canceled for a medical reason it is one thing, for a phone call that needed to be made for pre-approval--not okay! I would do all the financial stuff myself, but the clinic we goes do, has a financial dept that handles it. It's not as if I can pay out of pocket either, even if I was willing to. This is part of the IVF process, this is why I had to wait out this month and not start before the insurance kicked in for February (because insurance companies can deny stuff if you start before they are involved). The bright side is, if this is the only thing that is a glitch in the whole process, then I will consider myself lucky. On the other hand, if this is an indication of how things...(oh, wait, I am not even going to consider that).

The interesting part of this is when I vented to my husband he was so mad, he was all fired up and ready to call the doctor. The doctor, of all people. It is funny because that is the opposite of his personality. I think it just gave him something to fix and have some control over. He kept saying, this is stressful and emotional enough, they don't need to make it worse. It is one of the few times I have even heard him have emotion over this. My hero. I would hate to be the person he gets on the phone tomorrow if I don't get this U/S done. I keep reminding him, these are going to be our post-retrieval baby sitters, tread lightly.

My hope for today is....tomorrow goes smoothly and nothing gets delayed due to insurance technicalities.

Another Fertility Blog....

I absolutely love reading all the fertility blogs out there and 
although I am still in denial after 2 years and 2 months including 6 
IUI's. I thought maybe it would help to write some of my thoughts. J,

my loving husband,could not be a better partner and support, but 
when it comes to the topic of fertility, he can only last so 
long....and I could talk forever about it.

I have decided to stay in denial, because I have tried anger, and for 
some reason I am past that stage (for now). Literally, one day I woke up 

(November 10, 2010), and my daily anger was gone.  In honor of denial, 

I chose to use the word fertility vs. 'in'fertility. I may have a 

fertility issue, but I am not 'in'fertile.

Married in March 2008, we decided to start trying in Dec 2008. I got 
married when I was 31 (J is 6 years younger)and to that point I was 

the poster child for,'I never want kids'...I often wonder now if God 

heard me and matched me with someone who has a small male factor 

fertility issue. My doctor has since put me in the unexplained 

category because my husbands number are good, they could have a

better sense of direction and not shaped so uniquely...

My first appointment at our clinic was in March of 2010. March 1st. 
Nice doctor and I feel confident she could do this with her eyes 
closed. We go to a busy and large fertility clinic, for expertise and 
experience, we compromise the warm and fuzzy feeling, which is fine for 
me. For instance, when my nurse calls me with results I always let it go to 
voicemail, so maybe I am not that warm and fuzzy with them either.

We did 6 IUI's in a row, 3 with clomid 3 with injectables. I handle 

injectables much better than clomid, which left me with hot flashes

and horrible nausea by month 3. By Augsut of 2010, I/we needed a break 

and did one more cycle in December 2010. We switched to my husband's insurance,

since he works with more that 50 employees and NJ mandates coverage in that 

instance. Unlike my insurance which only covered IUI's and medications. We spend a 

HUGE amount of money now for me to be covered by him, but in the long run, if we need

more than one IVF cyclce it will be worth the out of pocket expense over time. 

I am at day one today, and have my 3 day B/W and U/S on Friday AM. This is it, 

on one hand the beginning, but I hope, the beginning of the end of our fertility 

struggles. I think about fertility every day, not in a consuming way like in the past.

Now, it is something I am dealing with on a daily basis. More one step at a time.

The thing I hate most about this fertility thing lately is the 'hope'. I just can't

escape the hope. This last month when we were waiting to change insurance, the day 

before my period came, there it was--hope. I really don't like hope recently--it 

seems so attached to disappointment. I know that sounds horrible and self depricating,

but it's the truth. I could not have sex with my husband the days I am ovulating, and

I would bet you --hope would still be there 14 days later, I just can't escape it. 

Here is a hope for tonight....I hope that this turns into one of those blogs where

the author gets pregnant and everyone secretly hates her for it and stops reading it. 

Damn, there's that hope again.