Another Fertility Blog....

I absolutely love reading all the fertility blogs out there and 
although I am still in denial after 2 years and 2 months including 6 
IUI's. I thought maybe it would help to write some of my thoughts. J,

my loving husband,could not be a better partner and support, but 
when it comes to the topic of fertility, he can only last so 
long....and I could talk forever about it.

I have decided to stay in denial, because I have tried anger, and for 
some reason I am past that stage (for now). Literally, one day I woke up 

(November 10, 2010), and my daily anger was gone.  In honor of denial, 

I chose to use the word fertility vs. 'in'fertility. I may have a 

fertility issue, but I am not 'in'fertile.

Married in March 2008, we decided to start trying in Dec 2008. I got 
married when I was 31 (J is 6 years younger)and to that point I was 

the poster child for,'I never want kids'...I often wonder now if God 

heard me and matched me with someone who has a small male factor 

fertility issue. My doctor has since put me in the unexplained 

category because my husbands number are good, they could have a

better sense of direction and not shaped so uniquely...

My first appointment at our clinic was in March of 2010. March 1st. 
Nice doctor and I feel confident she could do this with her eyes 
closed. We go to a busy and large fertility clinic, for expertise and 
experience, we compromise the warm and fuzzy feeling, which is fine for 
me. For instance, when my nurse calls me with results I always let it go to 
voicemail, so maybe I am not that warm and fuzzy with them either.

We did 6 IUI's in a row, 3 with clomid 3 with injectables. I handle 

injectables much better than clomid, which left me with hot flashes

and horrible nausea by month 3. By Augsut of 2010, I/we needed a break 

and did one more cycle in December 2010. We switched to my husband's insurance,

since he works with more that 50 employees and NJ mandates coverage in that 

instance. Unlike my insurance which only covered IUI's and medications. We spend a 

HUGE amount of money now for me to be covered by him, but in the long run, if we need

more than one IVF cyclce it will be worth the out of pocket expense over time. 

I am at day one today, and have my 3 day B/W and U/S on Friday AM. This is it, 

on one hand the beginning, but I hope, the beginning of the end of our fertility 

struggles. I think about fertility every day, not in a consuming way like in the past.

Now, it is something I am dealing with on a daily basis. More one step at a time.

The thing I hate most about this fertility thing lately is the 'hope'. I just can't

escape the hope. This last month when we were waiting to change insurance, the day 

before my period came, there it was--hope. I really don't like hope recently--it 

seems so attached to disappointment. I know that sounds horrible and self depricating,

but it's the truth. I could not have sex with my husband the days I am ovulating, and

I would bet you --hope would still be there 14 days later, I just can't escape it. 

Here is a hope for tonight....I hope that this turns into one of those blogs where

the author gets pregnant and everyone secretly hates her for it and stops reading it. 

Damn, there's that hope again.