A different kind of shock and awe...

I am not usually an emotional person. At all. I don't respond well to others being compassionate toward me. When the doctor walked in the exam room yesterday I started balling. It was weird, because i would never think that is how I would react. She was really positive, thin lining, nothing visible in the uterus, but she said let's wait for the numbers. Since this happened Friday night at 8, the numbers were probably going up until that point, so of course the numbers won't seem like they are going down. Beta 545 progesterone 3.2 (down). My guess is the placenta was putting out hcg even though there was nothing to support. Especially with a low progesterone level. What really makes it worse is that I have to keep taking estrogen and the Endometrin until they can confirm what I already know. I still have bleeding and cramping, and it sucks. My right ovary, which produced more and larger eggs, hurt through stims, hurt after retrieval and now hurts again.
Through all the sadness, crying, disbelief and sleeping, I remain hopeful for the FET. I do think my body will do better, when it just does it's thing. I mean there were a ton of meds being pumped in and then stopped, my poor body prob didn't know what to do. Hopefully I will get my period sooner than later so the waiting isn't too long.

I have learned some things (already).
1. The next time I will not tell anyone what is going on except the people closest to me.
2. If we do another retrieval we probably will not be doing PGD, I think it might be to
traumatic for the embryos, and we know they look good.
3. I am stronger than I thought I was.
4. I need to take care of myself
5. I won't be taking negativity from this with me into our next cycle.

Things I haven't learned yet
1. How to recover from this. Although I know I will, this is really hard.


I really am in shock still. The possibility of more waiting and then more waiting, seems too daunting to even imagine. When I came home yesterday from the doctor I just sat in front of the tv, not focused, not even really thinking, just there. In it, the thick of it. I was supposed to go to a family party today, but couldn't. Got all ready, shower, dressed, makeup, but couldn't do it. It is like my body is too heavy to move. I don't want to work tomorrow, but I have to go because laying around makes me sleep and if I sleep all day I will feel worse.

Also, I guess I was stupid to think the physical part wouldn't be bad, because Friday the cramping stopped, but now my right ovary really hurts. Maybe it is shrinking down or something.
My hope for today....a feel better tomorrow.