Wednesday

At around 9:30 am I ended up with shoulder pain in between the blades. I called my nurse just to check in and she said I had to come in for a scan. They think I am crazy. It is official. Everything looked fine and the doctor compared the ectopic to the previous pictures and she said it looked like it was 'less identifiable than it was'--GOOD NEWS! She also said she was sure this would pass on it's own and we would move on from this. I really like this doctor, but I left feeling like someone who was being an extremist. She did say that not bleeding can be normal and just mean it is dissolving on its own in the tube. My nurse called me later in the day and made me feel better though. She said, you aren't bleeding, so we have to be careful of any signs we see, I am glad you came in and we checked. At least you have piece of mind tonight. Then she said something really great---right on the money. She said, you muse feel like a ticking time bomb. And she is right. That is exactly how I feel. Like in a science fiction movie. Any moment you feel like you could blow--literally.

I kept busy at work and had dinner with a friend and it was great. My mind really didn't focus on the situation too much. I am sad, but it comes and goes. I want this gone so badly, after wanting it so badly for so long to be there. That's sad.

Every weekend since the week before the transfer I have been out of commision for one reason or another--sick from stims, retrieval, transfer, anxious waiting for results, cramping and miscarriage, news of ectopic, and methotrexate. Every weekend since the middle of March. A missed Easter. All of this just for the hope of an opportunity; to show someone that you would do anything for them, to give them more love and support than you knew you were capable of, to be parents.

My hope for today, decreasing numbers.