Since Monday...

Tuesday morning I walked into the clinic for my blood work and ultrasound with a big senses of loss looming heavy. And the doctor saw a thin lining and nothing in the uterus (his exact words were, I think you are right, this is a loss, keep the faith). So, I went about my day knowing that when the call came in the numbers would be down. I got the call from my nurse at around 2pm. She told me that my beta was not going down, but up 1171 (Saturday it was 545)....and news that you think should be happy, was actually dreaded. (As I have mentioned,  I had a pain on my right side since Sunday night). The nurse said we could have a late implanter and my doctor said to wait until Thursday and maybe we would see something on the ultrasound, so she seemed hopeful. She also said she needed to prepare me for the fact, that this pregnancy could be in the tube (I totally freaked out with fear and envisioned my tube rupturing). I asked her if it is possible that I miscarried one and had an ectopic too, she said it is possible. I still believe this to be true because the number was going up a lot, ectopics tend to grow slower, so the numbers don't double. As of the loss on Friday, my numbers were not tripling anymore. Needless to say, Tuesday I was FREAKED! I think I slept for two, maybe three minutes. I decided I was going in Wednesday morning regardless. I couldn't wait til Thursday. Not to mention I had this ongoing side pain, back pain and generalized cramping.

Wednesday...at 6am we were at the clinic. They did the scan first. The doc said she saw a 4mm mass in the right tube (uh-huh, where the pain is). My numbers on paper from the day before were 1171, the doctor said to prepare for a Methotrexate shot (a chemotherapy drug that kills cells). She also saw a questionable mass in the uterus, but at best thought it was an abnormal pregnancy, but she really thought it was fluid and the pregnancy was in the tube. My blood draw was the worst to date (still swollen and black and blue). They made me take the Metho blood work over to the hospital myself because they needed me quick. I went home and remained on call to go back for the shot. The call came in and the number was one hundred points down (1063)...the nurse was happy and the doctor said to wait a day. She actually had three docs review the file. Back in on Thursday. Unfortunately I got a horrid migraine on Wednesday night on top of everything else. I was just hopeful it meant things were going in the right direction. Slept well though--after 1:30 when the migraine subsided. I should mention that this whole time my nurse is waiting me for me to start bleeding, since I am just spotting. She says the more bleeding...the lower the numbers will be.

Thursday...back in for blood work and ultrasound. The doc confirmed that there is a 4mm sac in the tube. Lining thin, nothing in the uterus. He said they would check the blood work, but the shot might be where we were headed. My nurse was on duty and she is great (I am sorry I used to refer to her as Nurse Jackie). She brought us in the office and said to wait 45 minutes and the blood results would be in. They weighed me for the dosage of the Metho and she gave us the release forms. The only real down side to the chemotherapy therapy drug that kills cells is that you have to wait 3 months before you are back in the game. We waited and then she called us in and said she had good news, the number divided in half. In the high 500's (I want to say like 586, it I can't remember exactly). She was so happy and so were the docs. She said we had to come back Friday but this was great news. She said anything could still happen but to hope for a drop on Friday. If it stayed the same or went up we would be taking the shot otherwise they were going to be monitoring for symptoms (not pain though apparently cause the pain on my side and in my back nobody seems worried about). Also she said I could take Advil and my migraine medicine. I felt better yesterday. My side hurt, but from the clinic I went to work and went out to dinner with the DH. Came home and slept like a baby.

Today....ultrasound and blood work again. This doctor, the third in three days, not to mention my doc who has been on top of the file and the doctor doing file reviews each day said he couldn't confirm the mass he calculated at 5mm was actually the sac. He did say he didn't see a yolk and there was nothing in the uterus. He said he saw a some blood in the uterus. And to expect mild bleeding. No blood leaking in the tubes. He did see a corpus leteum (every doc has) although 'irrelevant' and will hopefully pass at my next period. My nurse called with the numbers and they were 503. I said that wasn't a big drop, I am not happy with that. She said the docs are happy with it and so is she, she said remember it is only one day. My hope is that every other day it goes down 100 and every other it day it drops by half. My next blood work is Monday, and
I am hoping at this equation it will be at 150. Ectopics can be weird and bounce around. If it gets hokey they will give me the shot, but I am hoping we are past that. The great news is (and I think the best sign so far) at 2pm today, the pain dissipated, so hopefully the 'wanderer' as I call him, has passed out of the tube.

As you can tell this entry totally lacks emotions. I have kept my emotions at bay (although they have crept up here and there) since the nurse told me on Tuesday we may be dealing with a pregnancy in the tube. Oh except the emotion of "freaking out'--that I have had in spades.  There has been so much to worry about and wait for with a sense of urgency. There are some positives that have happened. Although I am not there yet to spend time reflecting on them. I haven't even gotten to the point where I can feel anything about this. I want these numbers down so there is no risk of rupture and so my period can come in the next 4-6 weeks. Not so I can rush to get back on the horse per se, but so I can be on the other side of this nightmare. I keep saying to everyone..there are so many ways I thought this could turn out. And I over thought so many of them, ectopic never entered my mind. Although maybe it should have, the chance is increasesd for IVFers... 1 in 30, that is a 3% chance. Never entered my mind.

We have had a spectrum of thoughts and feelings over the last 11 days from joy to fear and a lot of stops in between. For now, i just want to be. Be in the moment. Not worried about tomorrow's feelings or hopeful for our next transfer. Just here.

My hope...on pause for the moment.