To catch a thief

The beta is in---334---that's it! I couldn't get the phone when the nurse called, but her message said this was "another nice drop". I am happy it is going down, but the part of me that is so tired of being patient, thinks it could speed up a little (not in a rupture kind of way, but you know what I mean).


So, I have included in this blog some lyrics to one of my  infertility songs. I know this one is cheesy, but it helps me. It makes me think of the times in my life where I had pain. I broke my arm when I was like 6 years old and it hurt a lot. When I think back now, I can remember it hurt, but I can't feel the pain. It is just a memory of what was, a snapshot. That is what this will be. Although it seems like it is taking this number forever to drop, this will all boil down to a 5 minute story one day, and it will be part of our journey. When I had to let some of my colleagues who I had told about our IVF journey know about our loss I wrote them the following email ...I think the email sounds nice, and is an example of me trying to make them feel better about my loss.

______________________________________________________

Hi all,

I just wanted to thank you for all your positive thoughts and support. Unfortunately, it looks like our pregnancy this time is not meant to be. I am doing  fine because I believe this is part of our story, but not the end of our story. This story is going to end with our baby.

I know that all your thoughts, prayers and good vibes are what gave us strength and brought us this far, and I can't thank you enough.

Sincerely,

Jenn

'Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end.
__________________________________________________



There are times that this all feels more like a nightmare than something we are really going through. I know I have said it before, but a part of me (a big part) is still in denial that we can't have a baby. We are so far from where my dream of having a baby began. In December of 2008 we started trying to conceive naturally. And nothing. At about the year mark I had thought about reaching out to the fertility practice, but still was holding out hope. Then in Febrary of 2010 I thought it had finally worked and we were pregnant. I was almost convinced of it and then I realized I had just miscalcualted days. I realized in that moment that we would never have that spontaneous moment of, oops I missed AF, that must mean I am pregnant. Let me go buy a test and see. That spontaneous moment that so so many (5 out of 6 couples) take for granted (maybe). We won't have it. I always think about that I LOVE LUCY episode where Lucy finds out she is pregnant, she has the perfect way planned out to tell Ricki and every time she tries, it gets interrupted. And then she goes to the club and request, "We're Having A Baby, My Baby and Me" and he doesn't know that he is singing to her, until...he sees her and she nods. Not us, no moment like that for my husband---we are going to get a very anticipated call from a nurse. All I can hope for now is a call that comes in on the weekend, so at least we are together when it comes in.

That  is just one of so many things that this whole process has taken from us. This most recent loss though, it is the worst in my life to date. Last week was my worst week ever--From Friday April 8th until Friday April 15th--the worst. And hey, I don't want to jinx myself, I guess it could have been worse, a lot worse.  I hope I never have to look back and say, I thought that week was rough, that was nothing compared to _______________________. Please be it, please be the worst week --and let it be over.




My hope for today---that the worst is behind us now.

Before The Morning

by:Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now


Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending


Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see


Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning


My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer


And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture


Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory


It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning