Better....

I am scared to say this--but my headache is gone! And I am so so happy. Last night I had some spotting---freaked out~ I was doing fine, but spotting stops me in my tracks. Also, I thought maybe I had a UTI---but now I don't think that. My DH told me I needed to relax--cause it is so easy to relax when you are spotting--I mean really. I may be a neurotic, but who takes spotting in stride? Nobody. It is still on and off, but no cramping and I have been having it on and off so --for now, I cant stress about it.

I have a new plan, to have no expectations about what being a parent will be like. I am going to use thought stopping---if I start to wonder about Ifs/Whens then I am going to just think about something else--That's my plan, I will let you know how it works out.

Complaining

Whoa--miserable is the perfect word for me lately. The last two weeks I was good and then Friday my morning sickness came back and I was so tired I couldn't get out of bed all weekend. THEN I got a migraine on Sunday night which went away Monday in the late day. In the meantime I called my neurologist who gave me PERCOCET. Like I am really going to take that. Unless it is between that and a trip to the ER, I am going to try and fight it out. I was good all day yesterday (AND SO HAPPY MY MIGRAINE WAS GONE). Only for it to come back at like 11PM last night. I had to cry myself to sleep I was in so much pain. good news is there is a Patron Saint of Headaches---so I prayed to her and I swear--it helped---But today it is lingering around. I know I shouldn't complain, but it is so hard to have so much pain and no end in sight for it. The unpredictability of it really is what makes it more stressful, which doesn't help.

Went to the real OB/GYN doctor yesterday, he is the same doc that delivered my niece and nephew and he is very relaxed (borderline too relaxed), but you just know that there is nothing that is going to surprise him, he has done it all. So, that makes me feel really good. And when I left I did have an overwhelming feeling of--it is what it is and all the worrying in the world is not going to change a thing---this ship has sailed. We saw the baby on the ultrasound--heart beating and it looked like he/she was dancing around. On Monday when I was in the middle of the worst of the headache I said to the baby, "BABY! This is not okay, mama cannot be in this much pain, let's think of you as the tenant and me as the landlord, you can hang out in there all you want, but the less you do to make me less than happy--the better." I thought we had an understanding, but now I am thinking---there may have been a miscommunication due to the baby not having ears yet.

I am sorry to be an infertile who is complaining, I know that I am not supposed to--I am just expected to be happy that we are expecting---but day to day--in the thick of it---that's tough to do. This whole thing is surreal to me at this point. It just doesn't feel like it is really happening at all. Which I attribute to the fact that we had been trying for so long to no avail, that it is hard to shift my thinking.


...so sleepy now (and it is noon)!

Here's the Baby...

This is our 7 week picture. We were supposed to go on Wednesday for an ultrasound, but on Monday I lost my morning sickness and saw a small amount of spotting--so for piece of mind Tuesday morning we went and the heartbeat was 170--which I thought was high, but the doc's exact words were "fantastic" so that is a good sign. She said the embryo is measuring 7 weeks 2 days and I asked shouldn't it be 7 weeks 4 days, and she said that ultrasounds can be off by up to a week and it is rarely a 100%  accurate reading. Also, I was discharged, given my file and a flash drive with info and pictures on it and off I went.

My wonderful nurse called me later and said, since your first OB appt isn't until the 29th, do you want to come back again on Tuesday--and I said OF COURSE!!! And she said, that's what I thought you would say. My Progesterone was 16.4 and my HCG was in the 100,000+ (I forgot to write down the exact number). She said on next Tuesday they will prob take me off Endometrin and have me come back two days later (Thanksgiving--wouldn't be a holiday without a trip to the clinic) to make sure I am making enough progesterone  on my own. My nurse said I had to promise to check in with her and call her with the good news! I swear I cried when I left the clinic, the idea of not having my hand held---SCARY! ALthough my nurse said I could always call her :)

I think the embryo (almost ready to be called a fetus) looks cramped, like his/her neck is bent. I hope he/she stretches out a little bit----On the picture he/she looks so big, but in real life--only the size of a blueberry (or a tic tac) depending on what website you read.

I keep thinking of how man times I have seen that same uterus empty on the ultrasound. It is so amazing. When the doc first said she saw the heartbeat I said, are you sure, and she said she would play it for me, the other doc in the room said, 'hearing is believing'. I am still so tentative and so much in shock. But happy and excited---or almost letting myself get there.


So, we are taking it one step at a time. I don't don't want to spend this whole pregnancy stressing because I want to look back at it with happy memories too! I am working on staying calm. When I left this appt I decided I need to relax, I think our little embryo wants me to just let it do it's thing and grow. One day at a time.

What I don't love

I don't love when infertiles become pregnant and poof it's like they were never infertile. Like they forgot. On one of the blogs I follow the person actually said something like, 'I feel so bad for people who are still cycling'. Really? When my DH and I went for our first appt he said, 'when they give us a picture we can't walk out into the waiting room with it, that is just as bad as when people bring their kids'--I just loved that he noticed this, it made it seem (for one of the first times) that he got it. Like he knew what boat we were in, and it was reassuring to know, that he is sensitive enough to not forget where we have been. As happy (and tentative as we are to be pregnant)--we won't forget what we have been through. I am an infertile and I love my infertile sisters and brothers!  I have known their pain and I still know it. It has stolen so much from me, my faith in my body to work, my innocene about getting pregnant, it has stolen my suprise I'm pregnant moment! And I am not naive enough to believe that because I am lucky enough to be pregnant now, that I will definetly be pregnant again. I hope that we will have more children, but it is not a guarantee. I can't take for granted that we are blessed that IVF worked, and all the prayers, asking for my, future (now present) baby---I am passing those on to other couples who may be infertile now, but will be pregnant (or have babies and children of their own) in the future.


...step off soapbox.

Quitting Smoking

I quit smoking 3 years 2 months and 5 days ago. It was so hard. It was hard to give up something that I loved so much and was part of my identity. I still miss it evey single day. When I quit smoking there was this want and desire in me that had never been matched in me before. I wanted to smoke evey second of every day---it consumed my mind. I would get in the car, and think about smoking. I would eat dinner, and think about smoking, watch a movie, look in the mirror, breathe= whatever, evey minute! For the last 3 years all I have thought about is having a baby. When I would have a baby, if I would have a baby. I would watch tv, and something (everything) would trigger it for me. I never realized how much it consumed my thinking--until now. Now, in those same moments that used to trigger me to think about infertility and make me somewhat sad, I am at a loss. Could this be it? Really? Could this be our baby, the one I have waited for, thought about, cried over, prayed for and at times been uncertain if I would ever have? Thinking about it brings tears to me. As nauseated as I am and as bad as my headaches feel sometimes, it is still hard for me to believe that this could be it. I still am so afraid to have hope, but I do have faith.  
I want this baby more than I wanted to smoke when I quit--and if you know me at all, you would know, that seems almost an impossible amount to want something (or someone)!

Nauseated

I know I know, since I am an infertile I am not allowed to complain about pregnancy symptoms--I should be happy every minute that I want to puke. It's hard though--Since Monday and lasting all day. I thought I might never be able to eat again. So, I did what any sane person would do--I called my Doc for Zofran. That's right--I have been pregnant for two seconds and I am taking a medication! Sue me. I have resigned myself to beliving that the baby does not want it's mommy to be sick, because then mommy can't eat any food and baby will not be happy! Of course being nauseated does make me realize that things must be going 'well' because my HCG must be high to be makig me this sick. I have been telling more people which is making me feel better emotionally, as I am trying to live in the moment and not worry about what will happen at the next ultrasound appt--just be excited for now.  The next appt is Nov 16th and then I am discharged from the clinic! Which I am happy about, but sad at the same time. My first appointment with the OB/GYN doc is Nov 29th---It probably should have been the 23, 24, 25  but it is Thanksgiving week so that is what it is.

I have also learned that if you say 'no' to a pregnant woman you get a stye in your eye--which is great news for me!

Thursday, November 3rd

I am not going to believe there is a baby in there until I see a heartbeat---Even if I am so tired I am afraid to drive a car for fear of falling asleep behind the wheel. My boss actually said I could take a nap in my office if I needed to—which is very nice. And I think I may have to take her up on it! Still no power at home. There are only 4 houses on my street with no power—which makes me think we are not a priority at this point. It is cold out there, but it is even colder in my house. I cleaned out my freezer on Monday, but I couldn’t face the fridge. I need to stop there on the way home to pick up clothes for tomorrow---IT’s going to be a quick visit if the power is still off.  My mom is watching the baby beak today! He doesn’t like being displaced I don’t think—he can’t sleep 20 hours a day like he normally does.

Wednesday-November 2nd

I called out from work, because even though my parents have power I still do not. Again, thank goodness I did because I was so tired I needed to nap for 2 hours and even when I woke up I felt tired—maybe even more tired. I didn’t have my other job tonight because they also had no power. What a relief!

Tuesday-November 1st

No work today either, but the power is back on so no work tomorrow---but today I am SO tired—I felt like I was going to collapse—and I couldn’t nap because I kept getting interrupted or tried and couldn’t fall asleep—I mean this was tired! Dead tired.

Halloween

..or not, because it is cancelled due to no power. My DH got a generator from a friend who has power—and was able to set it up at my parents house and run the furnace!!! HEAT AND TELEVISION—it is like a dream come true! MY mood is still crappy but I am trying to relax. The DH says I need to stop micro-managing people—and he is right (but if I hadn’t micro managed yesterday we would have froze to death overnight). And I had no work today—which is awesome!

Sunday-October 30th

It sure is cold in here. My mom and I decide we are going to make my dad and my husband come to PA to Perkins  since nowhere around them had any power. By the time we got back andheard the forcast predicted 22 degrees as the low—we decided to go to a hotel in PA (only like 25 minutes away from my parents)—EVERY HOTEL IN NJ WAS SOLD OUT until FRIDAY!! My sister, her husband and their 2 children came too—they needed TV and we all needed to be warmer. The problem is my mood is horrible. I will be surprised if the family doesn’t disown me by the end of the night. I told my sister and brother in law at the hotel—they seemed excited for us! They know all of the struggles we have been through!

Saturday, October 29th

The storm hits, thank God I went on Thursday for the ultrasound or I would be freaking out. We lost power about 2:30 and my DH was helping my parents put in windows---it was snowing VERY badly so DH said he would come pick me up and bring me to my parents (who have power). We get there about 4:30—it was a dangerous drive—trees down, snow, wind—we were there for 30 minutes and the power went out. We slept there anyway—with the furbaby of course.

Friday October 28th

So, I am much more calm as you can imagine and I got a call with my number 3452 and Progesterone 16—it was higher the last time at 24 so I asked why it went down and she said it fluctuates throughout the day—any thing over 6 is fine.

This is the night we told my parents! We went out to dinner with them and DH just slipped it in the conversation—they were SO happy—my mom started crying and gave me a big hug and my dad gave a big hug too—the table next to us congratulated us. It is all exciting, but at the same time I am so hesitant to get excited because of all the things that still have to go right in order to actually have a baby on June 29^th. So, for now I am cautiously optimistic, but not freaking out—because I know for sure it is not ectopic! And that means we are at least further than we have ever been before in our IF journey.

Thursday October 27th

Oh, and then the pain on my side starts again. This is terrible. Remember I have no spotting and last time we checked (which seems like forever ago) a stong great rising HCG number. This is also the same time it happened last cycle, but this pain has come since the ectopic was resolved—when I ovulated in Aug my side was so painful I googled the word for it—My August 8^th blog is dedicated to the pain. So, I can’t say this is ectopic pain (Of course I can’t rule it out either). I do know that I am tearful and peeing all the time and nauseated. My neck feels so much better—that I actually rescheduled my Physical Therapy appointment and rescheduled for next week.

This weekend I had watched a documentary called “Making Grace” –it is about two women who are trying to have a baby through IUI—she had experienced a previous ectopic and there is this moment when she recounts when she found out she was pregnant (the time after the ectopic)=I actually pulled it up on NETFLIX on my phone just now to watch the part again. She says, she found out she was pregnant and she was so happy and then she started getting crazy about it being ectopic again, she called her doc and her doc said her numbers didn’t seem ectopic (and it turned out to be their baby)!!!

So, I called my nurse and told her about the pain and she said I could come in, but to expect to see nothing on the ultrasound because it is too early. I went in since it is really close to my office and sat in the waiting room trying to convince myself to not be upset if I didn’t see anything (Knowing I would freak out if I saw nothing). I did want piece of mind about not bleeding. The doctor was so nice—I had never had her before ---Wand in and TA-DA---a little black blob with a YOLK! The doctor actually said she had never seen a yolk that early. She looked at it from a bunch of angles and confirmed—it is in there! They took blood and told me I didn’t have to come back on Sunday---but 7-10 days (Later in the day I got the call to return 11.6) to see the Heartbeat!! A real heartbeat that I hope hope hope is in there!!! My nurse even came out when they were drawing my blood to give me a hug and congratulate me—so sweet!

Wednesday-October 26th

Can you say panic attack. I woke up in the middle of the night—my neck went from hurting on one side to both sides and I guess to me that triggered FEAR/ANXIETY/PANIC. 2 am (this is actually Wed Am) I have a full blown panic attack—sweats/chills/pulse racing/mind racing. Really! I was up til about 5 and decided not to wake DH since---what was he going to do ? Chances are I would have just been pissed—which tends to happen when I am in panic mode—short short temper. 

My nurse called to tell me my thyroid looked good. I asked her if the pain in my neck was normal—she said not normal, but didn’t seemed worried as I was about an internal hemoorage. She again told me I could come in again for an HCG, but what would it tell us really? Part of me wants to go in and part of me wants to just be pregnant right now and if I find out bad news on Sunday then that is Sunday---I told 2 more of my colleagues who validated that of course I feel anxious and scared and self protective after the trauma of the ectopic

IN the evening I seemed better—even my neck which has been the worst it had been during the day—relaxed by the evening. It seemed like the anxiety was gone. My mood was better and I was able to get some sleep.

Tuesday October 25th

I woke up and the pain in my shoulder/neck seemed worse! I called my nurse and on her message reported that I knew I was a freak but could I come in for blood work, or could she call to reassure me that this probably was not an ectopic. She called and said blood work is just a number and there is no way to see anything prior to Sunday—so to come in and not see anything before Sunday would be worse for me. I asked if the chances of this being ectopic are small because of the good betas and she said she has seen it both way (Screeching hault)---couldn’t see have lied to me!! What I was using for my peace of mind---was just discounted---although everything I have read  *and experienced* says spotting—not doubling HCG’, pain are ectopic indicators---and I don’t have those things. COME ON!!!

I had been panicked all day and could barely work—had to actually leave a meeting early because I was freaking out too much. The day was horrible. Tons of web-mding which had me convinced I was bleeding internally since my neck pain spanned out to my shoulder. Which is a symptom of hemmooragh—but when I was still alive later in the day I figured it might not be--

I decided to go back to the ortho doctor—he said MRI, but then said PT after he found out I was pregnant—he shared that his wife used clomid 2 out of her 3 pregnancies—she had 3 c-sections.He also told me if it was a hemmoragh I would probably have pain—what does he know about it—he is an ortho doc not an RE!!

I went to dinner with my husband after and when I told him I had the worst day ever he said, and I quote, “Tomorrow is another day” –the only other words of wisdom he offered were, ‘maybe it is your hormones that are making you anxious:--I told him never to say either of those things again. 

The most interesting thing that happened today is I googled 13dp6dt transfer and my own blog came up and sure enough it was this same time last cycle that things went bad! When I was convinced I miscarried, but it was the beginning of discovering the ectopic—it was like my mind subconsciously knew---I wondered if I had not properly dealt with the ectopic of if this was just residual damage. I thought of the quote,
“When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”
- Alexander Graham Bell -

It didn’t make the anxiety go away, but it definitely represented what I was feeling.

Monday-October 24th

My neck was bothering me today—but not as bad as when I tweaked it yesterday. I I decided to tell my colleague about the pregnancy just so I didn’t feel so isolated in the process. She was great –she is a fellow infertile (now pregnant) so she was someone who can relate on a lot of levels—sans ectopic (which I am happy she never had to experience). Things were good in general—really fine. Did some amazon.com-ing for nursery prints and then went home and went to bed---I woke up at 2 am-like clockwork—and couldn’t really get back to sleep.

Sunday-October 23rd

This is the longest I have ever waited for a call back—4:30 on a Sunday they called!!!! I almost paged them, but the rule is if they don’t call by 7:30 then you can call them. And what was the number??? 698! That’s a big big number=if we had transferred 2 I would have been sure it is twins. But one it is, so that hopefully means it is one strong baby (and possibly and early implanter). The down side to this big number is I only need 2 betas---since the second was over 300—they just wait for the ultrasound at this point---so the return date is Sunday—October 30^th!

Friday-October 21st

Waiting does suck. I went early to get my blood work and my nurse called really early like 10 am—She said “You did it, the number is 221, you have been through so much to get here and I am so happy for you”.  I told her I wasn’t going to get excited yet, she said, well I am going to get excited for you. I called my DH—and he seemed excited (but tentative)—and excited. I hate that I had to tell him like this, but when I mentioned it to him, he said he didn’t care how he found out—so that Lucy-Rikki moment means more to me than it does to him, so I guess it really sucks for me.

It’s amazing. I was so happy in the car on the way home I started crying. All those months and years with sad and bad news, I kept thinking God didn’t want me to be a mom, that he didn’t think I would be good at it, and now in this moment, I feel blessed---honored. Without my Faith this would not have happened. I know that for sure. God is good.

Back on Sunday for more blookwork.

Wed-October 12th

Obviously, you will see in the posts I put up today that we decided to do an FET on October 12th--I couldn't blog about it publically until we told the people close to us, so todays posts are all catch-up for you and for me! Sorry about the confusion, but the dates of the events are the titles of the blogs....

The transfer day—we were told to come in around 1. The best doctor was there. She is so positive and calm. This time around I actually drank too much and they let me empty my bladder a little—which was awesome so I wasn’t wishing I could go to the bathroom as soon as it was over. The doctor came in and showed us the picture and said, It’s beautiful. She also said she didn’t know the gender –she said she doesn’t even look when the couple doesn’t want to know because she doesn’t want to slip. I told her my ectopic fears and she said, don’t even say that, we aren’t even going to think about that. When we were walking in she turned around and said to me, Jenn, I want you to stay really calm. I said, oh because that comes so easily for me. She said, I can tell. When she was doing the transfer she said relax every muscle in your body! And think of your uterus—no tubes. Then, when it was over I tried to sit up and they were like WHOA! What are you doing—oops I guess I forgot that I got wheeled out—doctor said no worries. I laid in the bed and cleared my head, didn’t talk and just relaxed while my DH held my hand. I was so happy I didn’t have acupuncture this time—because I just wanted to lie there and put every thought out of my mind---for 30 minutes—then I went to empty my bladder. We got lunch, went home and were told to come back for bloodwork in 2 days and our pregnancy test would be October 21^st----Waiting and Waiting---but I know I better get used to it. We have decided to tell nobody, to protect them from another roller coaster ride. Also, I want to protect myself from having to ‘untell them’—if that makes sense. I just want to be alone with this.

No good deed...

About a month ago the saying, 'No Good Deed Goes Unpunished' kept racing through my head. Because I was so tired of looking out to help others and then being slapped in the face. I would do something nice for another person and in return, they would get what they wanted and I would be stagnant. It's not even like I was looking for a thank you, it just seemed like the universe trying to show me others happiness over and over--(Nice blaming out, huh?). So, anyway it turns out infertility has not only taken my hope, it has taken my want to help others too! Nice. Also, it has taken away my ability to be excited about things. Like there is always this dark cloud of infertility hanging over my head, following me around. I feel like EYORE!! And I don't even like Winnie the Pooh.  I think I really am an  EEyore, check it out for yourself in that link! Shit.


"It's not much of a tail"-Eeyore

Calmness

"God hears your prayers even when you can't find the words to say them"
-Annonymous

I certainly hope this quote is true. As my lack of blogs can witness, I am at a loss for words lately. I have been working on relaxing-walking slower, being calmer, breathing more.  I met with a client last week and she as so calm. Being in the same room with her automoatically made me calmer and at ease. She had such an impressive and inspiring way about her. I work with survivors of domestic violence and this woman had been through so much, and had remained clear headed, positive and had a wonderful grace about her. I meet strong woman all the time in this field--amazing strengths of character, but vary rarely calm and relaxed. She is my inspiration right now. So, I am walking slower, being calmer and breathing more....(I'll keep you posted on how that works out)!

Far Away

I think it is interesting how far away I feel from in-fertility. I just don't think that I can handle another disappointment. LOL, of course I can. I just mean, I feel defeated now, imagine how much lack of hope and faith I will have if I try again and it is not a success? My head just isn't in the game and I just don't care. I still get sad and tearful and cry in the car, but I am tired of talking about it. I am tired of not having what I want (and feeling bad when I complain). I am tired of coming to terms with my life, like this, childless, for the duration. That is why IF we chose to go through an FET I am telling nobody. There is no reason to bring anyone along for this ride. It seems attention seeking and pressured to me that way. If it works then we will share a pregnancy like normal people do, when it is safe to do so. And people will be suprised and hopefully happy. Until then, I remain filled with Faith, but little hope.

Speaking of Faith (and Hope), here is my favorite prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

Quote...

Today I was talking about President Bush and realized, twins, fraternal, fertility. I googled it and sure enough she (Laura) has talked about in her book, in this truly stunning way. Brought me to tears...

 "The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

I love it. It encapsulated infertility for me.

Grace

The past few days I have been watching tons of Desperate Housewives. I love to watch tv shows back to back and I have Netflix delivered to my Apple TV so it is so easy to have this addiciton. I never wacthed it before but I am all the way at Season 6--going to be ready for Season 8 (The final season to start the end of September). Anyway, I watch it all night and after my husband falls asleep. Well, two nights ago I was watching this episode about the Handy Man and I couldn't stop crying--I was going to blame the Doxycycline (but who blames an antibiotic for tearfulness?). Not depressed, not even sad---crying. A lot. This happened to me a lot when I was watching Sex and the City too. So, I am not sure that this is about fertility. Don't get me wrong it has been a tough year filled with challenges (and good things too). I feel somewhat traumatized by the whole year, but the explosion of crying, is odd.

I am spiritual/religious. I listen to sermons from St Peter's Episcopal Church 's website--I am not Episcopal, but I think deep down I might be....I really enjoy listening to Rev Janet Broderick speak http://www.stpetersmorristown.org/worship/sermons. She speaks about real life. On Mother's Day 2011--she sings the cutest song ever. She addresses the idea male/female God/Jesus. She repeats a quote, "In the womb of the mother is the wisdom of the father"--which kind of settles it. For without a woman, there would be no Son of Man. It's an important role. Even Jesus couldn't be born without a woman. I prayed so hard to Mary to be my divine intercessor over the past almost 3 years. Now, I think I am looking for any meaning at all--I used to think that I just had to patient and my time would come. Now I am not so sure. It's not enough anymore to just wait and try again and again. To hear quips from others about my fertility or when we will have our child, or how we will have our child--I don'e even listen anymore. I believe that prayers are answered, I still hold that truth. They may not be answered the way we want or think we need, but they will be answered. I don't believe in quips anymore. If this happens it will be an answered prayer. If this doesn't happen, I fear that will be an answered prayer. I have prayed, I have asked God, it is in his hands now. That is the truth I am taking forward. This feels different than hope to me, this is a destination, this moment. Maybe this moment is an answered prayer too.

'Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self. '
Francis of Assisi

Just the begining

You know when you look at those infertility posts they have their lists of what they have been through--all their failures and if successful, their betas--and sometimes you see the emoticon with the angel wings (SAD!). Well, it just hit me, just, when I was reading one of the blogs I follow, that this fail at IVF could be just the damn beginning of a long journey. How did that just hit me? I mean how many things am I going to have on my list--how many IVF's and FETS and IUI's and angel winged emoticons might I have? The thought is overwhelming, which is why as much as I realize it, I don't think the idea can stay in my conscious mind long. I mean I could be at the bottom of a mountain here with a long way to go until I get the top!  Like that horrible game on Price Is Right (which is actually called CLIFF HANGERS)...


Then plop---he falls right off the edge if you go over on your guess! When I think of it that way I think I would rather be close to the bottom--I mean I don't want to be close to falling over the edge (that is for sure).  I always hated this little yodeling mountain climber guy game. Now, PLINKO, that was the game I loved on the Price is Right.

I don't want to keep doing this fertility stuff, I don't want to keep thinking about it or trying not to think about it. I just want my baby and let's move on with life. Or if there is going to be no baby, then let's move on with life. This mountain climbing is making me tired AND I have always been more of an inside type of person. Maybe I have already fallen off the edge?


"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."-Dolly Parton

Boot straps

I keep remembering/thinking about this moment right before my last notice that I had to have a 3rd Methotrexate shot. It was the AM and it was the day before the next test to see if the HCG was dropping and I was done. I got up sat in a chair and said to my DH, "I can't leave this chair, if anybody needs something from me or wants to give me something, like a shot, they are going to have to come to this chair". And I meant it. It seemed to hard to move forward, but it was not an option to stop. I think that is where I am now. Back in that chair. As hard as it is to move forward into FET , how can I not?

I have never been afraid of failure--I have been afraid of tons of other things, but never failing. I am not afraid to failing every IVF and FET. I am afraid of trying and afraid of that feeling of hope working its way back into my life. I haven't had the option to try for the past 3 months so there was no hope each month, although the disappointment of not being able to try at all has been there. I've decided to stop writing hopes on the bottom of my blogs--I am changing to quotes instead. I need hope to take a vacation (at least) for awhile.

'In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." — Robert Frost

Follow Up

Follow up follow up. I went to the clinic on Monday to find out about my endo biopsy. I couldn't believe I was back there. Moreove, a man walked in with 2 kids and seemed to know the people behind the desk then walked back to the offices. My appointment was 1:30--and this was 1:30. Our clinic has a rule about no children in the waiting room. I just knew when they walked back that this was my RE's family. IT was 1:30--and they were just getting there!! WTF. Now maybe there was some sort of emergency and they needed to see her, blah blah blah. She kept me waiting for 25 minutes!! 25 minutes. When the family left I was called in 2 minutes later. Then there it was---the picture of her kids on her desk--same kids that just left. Maybe it wouldn't bother a better person--but it bothered me. Anyway, it turns out I have Endometrits or whatever--some low grade infection in my uterus. My doc seeemed unconcerned with it, and said she thinks this in no way caused my ectopic. The treatment is 2 weeks of Doxy (which I was on right after my retrieval so it couldn't have been an infection that caused it). Whatever --she said, we found it so let's treat it. My DH was a call in and she seemed worried because he seemed distant on the phone. We really had nothing to say or ask. She pulled up our file and said that we have 6 frozen embryos--4 at A+ and 2 at A status. For our FET, if we chose to do it she said there is a mix of genders and then asked us repeatedly if we wanted to chose the gender. We said no. She said that we could  change our mind. She also talked to us about a single embryo FET (since their success rate is now 66% of pregnancies made in the clinic result in twins they are pushing the single transfer) unmedicated cycle ( I said I wanted the unmedicated cycle if we do it--she said fine). The only problem to unmedicated is if they can't determine when I ovulate they have to cancel the transfer, but I am a pretty regular person. I could probably tell them when I am ovulating. The earliest we can do it would be at my next period. Of course that is after 2 weeks of doxy AND another DAMN endobiopsy. Which are painful--and this will be my third one. Again, she said she is not worried about the infection. I also said that I have been having a ton of pain at ovulation and PMS--she said SO many women say that to her and she attributes it to the fact that we are now hypersenstive to our cycles--and said it would be especially different  if I had been on birth control (which I wasn't)--and she knows that from my file. Discounting much--we all have this pain and it is just awareness? That seems an easy answer to something they really they have no answer for at all. I know this post seems angry and I am not that angry or I didn't think I was until re-reading this. This was just an exploratory follow up. I am still numb to the whole idea.

She did tell us that our fresh embryo transfer was one boy one girl. Which we predicted and she confirmed is what they usually try to do. There was a moment in the meeting where I got the sense she was going to say that they weren't even our best quality embryos--but then she didn't say it. Who knows. That is where we are now, I am on doxy and waiting--my next endobiopsy is 9.15.2011. It took them 3 weeks to get the results from my last one and she said she was suprised at that because it usually only takes a week. Let's hope these come back sooner, because if we do try at our next cycle then day one is September 24th. She said my chances of an ectopic again do not increase because I have already had one (not that encouraging, since I have already had one).


It is absolutely amazing to me that if the ectopic was a normal pregnancy we would be going into our 3rd trimester--we would be just 3 months away from the due date of  Dec 11th---that time went fast (after the ectopic was resolved that is).

My hope---

Heeling--for the first time

My beak (fur baby) does not heel==not in the traditional sense of dog's heeling--but he does heal in medical terms. He seems to be getting better every day--althought I don't want to jinx it. My little fur baby has taught me so much since his operation experience.

1.) I was a stay at home mom Tues-Sun and it was impossible to leave him today--I might have to be a stay at home mom during the day and just work at night if we have kids
2.) You should always advocate for what you want/need. For the first time I was too passive, with the kennel--I should have had my sister in law get him out of there and take him home when I had a bad feeling. It is important to know when I am powerless and when there is more I can do.
3.) Always listen to (and act on) your bad (and good) feelings.
4.) As parent, my DH and I will be totally overprotective freaks.
5.) I have a lot of love to give--and besides the neurosis--I will be a devoted and loving mother.
6.) Almost losing something you love, can really change your perspective on things.
7.) I will perpetually be a caregiver.
8.) This moment is all we have--you never know.
9.) Don't look forward to things too much, you never know if you are rushing toward something that might not turn out well.
10.) I have the best dog in the world!! And a great husband too--All around I am a lucky girl, not matter how much it seems that I am having a bad run of things, it all depends on how you look at it.

My hope for today--HEAL doggie.

Oh-no Endo

I have chronic pain on my right side, i have often blamed the ectopic, but I am begining to think it is Endo. We have a follow up with our RE on Monday and I am going to ask her opinion. I have 90% of the symptoms. Including an ectopic under my belt. It is really the only question I have at this point.

http://www.endo-resolved.com/symptoms.html

It's always something

I am home early from vacation.....we got a call from the kennel that our fur baby was acting strange on Saturday night. I told them to take him to an emergency vet...they did and it turned out his stomach had flipped. They gave him a 50/50 chance and told us it would cost a boat load of money...10k. So we had to chose, from NC to NJ over the phone, we had to chose whether to save our fur baby's life...or save 10 k...and in less then .0005 seconds we chose to have the operation. He is recovering, and doing well. It was a horrible night...horrific. I have never prayed so hard in my life! I told God that he took my baby and I really could not lose the only baby I have, or may ever have...my fur-baby. If we do ever have a baby, then we just saved our baby's dog. I keep getting emotional because I cannot believe that we almost lost our fur baby.

God is good and he heard my prayers and saved our baby (of the fur variety).

My hope for today, a speedy recovery for my little beak.

Vacation

I go on vacation tomorrow. I am really excited to recharge and relax. Of course everyone keeps telling me how much I deserve a vacation--and I agree. So, I may not post. Or who knows maybe I will post eveyday. I have so many followers I know you will all miss me. I am not going on vacation with expectations of coming to any grand conclusions or coming back with a totally new perspective. Real life seems to just keep coming. Which I guess I should not complain about. ALthough I am going to try to leave my life here ---it will be here when I get back. The only thing I will miss here is my fur baby--he is going into a kennel, but we picked one with cameras so we could see him whenever we want (I am sure he will be sleeping most of the time).

I  hope vacation goes well and that everyone in my family has a great, safe happy and healthy time.


Bon Voyage! (I am not taking a boat).

Word of the Day

So, on Friday I had an endobiopsy--or I should say another endobiopsy. The first one was at the end of May to determine what we already knew---We were dealing with an ecotopic and there was no pregnancy tissue in my uterus. This one was to determine if there is a reason why said embryo may have wanted to wander out of my uterus--possibly an infection. My doctor determined I needed this prior to my last Methotrexate shot and prior to my first endobiopsy (which was a last ditch effort to try and have me avoid the 3rd Methotrexate shot). Anyway, I think I blogged about it then, this endobiopsy is really overly cautious. They don't really think I have an infection but want to rule it out. Anyway, for something that was perhaps not needed it really is uncomfortable. My first endopbiopsy I was bleeding (remember it was my period, but not my period--and not the ectopic passing). It hurt very badly when they did it, but not so much after. Now this one didn't hurt as badly when they were doing it, but left me with spotting (which could have happened last time too) and pain! But part of me thinks this is ovulation pain. Although when it concentrates on my right side I blame the ectopic and possible break away pain and/or scar tissue. So, of course I googled 'ovulation pain' and it turns out that it has a name= MITTELSCHMERZ --love that name! Totally fun right! Don't google image it though---it is a lot less fun to see then say.


I left the clinic on Friday really upset though. I asked my DH why he thought I was so emotional about having to even walk through those doors again. He made a good point and said, well, only bad experiences are tied to that place for you. And it is true. Nothing good has happened to me there. That is not to be negative or melodramatic. Really, I can't think of a good thing. So, when I left, I cried. I don't even know why or what about. I just couldn't believe I had to deal with this endobiopsy or anything for that matter. I know that if we want to go back there, it will happen for us, when it is our time. The amount of strength it is going to take to walk through their doors for an actual ultrasound to measure my lining (which may lead to a another possible ectopic, which may lead to another endobiopsy, and over and over).  I can't even imagine.

Also, I am off to vacation Friday at noon until August 27th! Nothing but soaking up the sun and doing nothing but relaxing! Although I learned that the sun depletes Folic Acid--not so good---but guess who doesn't care?  Me.


My hope---Gone With the Pain. (aka Mittelschmerz)

Liar Liar ….

   

I figured something out. I have decided when AND IF we decide to do IVF again I am telling nobody. No blogging about it, not telling friends or family. Just going to do it. It would just be a FET anyway so it would not be a huge ordeal.  If it happened I wouldn’t ever hide that it happened with a FET, I just have decided to deal with anything that is coming, alone. This made me think about all those women who supposedly stop fertility treatment and then happen to get pregnant (the old---you just need to take your mind off of it). Bullcrap=I bet most of those people who just ‘stopped thinking about it’ really just stopped talking about it. They probably snuck back to their fertility clinics, and did not want to tell people. This is not to say people are not great, my colleagues and family have been supportive, helpful and accommodating they have helped me more than I could ever thank them for.

I saw the Julianna and Bill conversation and it left a lot to be desired. I don’t know what Bill seems so committed to waiting. My DH said it was because ‘there is a lot of pressure on him’ –interesting.

I have hope for a fast moving week!

Supernanny

I love the show Supernanny. I have no idea what about it I love so much. I swear I end up in tears most of the time. When the mother successfully does the seperation anxiety technique, or the child sits in the time out chair, or the couple start to work together as a team. I know it seems that I get tearful because of the in-fertility issue. The truth is it is more a happy and proud kind of tearing up, which I guess is the social worker in me. Being proud of people for attaining their goals. I've never mentioned this, but my DH sleeps, a lot. He gives too much of himself at work and when he comes home he has nothing left and falls asleep. SOmetime he will do some housework/lawnwork first, but mostly, he just sleeps. He got tested and he has Epstein Barr, but I think that is really only part of the problem. Truly, I think he gets himself wound up at work, sits in traffic over an hour both ways on his commute and is too tired for life. Also, he hurt his back so last night he took medication that made him go to sleep even earlier (7:30!!!). I have always joked that I could have a totally different life after 8:00 and he wouldn't even know it. I could go out leave, be back by 5am and he wouldn't even know it. He is also a HEAVY sleeper.

So, there I was sitting there at 8PM watching Supernanny (It is always on the STYLE network). And I had a thought. I have spent so much time and given myself so many reasons why  God won't give me a baby ---I should blog about them one at a time--I could blog forever. All self-depricating and self protective rationalizations of a cold hard fact---NO BABY. I never thought that maybe it is not me that GOd won;t give a baby to. It is us. How would I do it, alone? My husband will continue to sleep. It is what it is. Not that he won't want to help, I really don't know if he would be able to help. SO #325 why GOD WON'T GIVE US a BABY---Sleepiness.

While watching Supernanny they kept playing commercials for Guiliana and Bill, the episode is coming Monday where, during their 'year of fun' Guilianna sounds interested in trying again and Bill thinks they are on a break so he is confused. My DH is done I think. Done with the idea of IVF, of babies, of never golfing on the weekend because he has to take care of a child=DONE. I can't say I blame him. And I can't say that I disagree with him. It should be an interesting conversation if/when it happens. I am interested to see how Guilianna and Bill's goes now too.

My hope for today---I can't think of one. So I will go with --a resoultion to the National Debt Crisis that doesn't include making me pay more money to just live and work.

Vacation

I go on vacation in 17 days. I almost wrote 3 weeks, but it is 17 days! I really want to be on vacation although I don't want it to fly by either---2 weeks on vacation. I am excited.

That is all I really have to say. Still not thinking about infertility, except to say that I am not interested in putting my poor body in any more distress than it has been the last few months. I can remember I kept thinking, "what have we done to my poor body?". This is the body that I gave up smoking for and the body I try not fill with junk (I TRY!). But pouring in the hormones and then pouring in the chemicals--- that was not something I ever want to do again. If it was just an FET and I could garuntee no extopic I might do it, because the chemicals for an FET are minimal to none. I don't care what my docs say, I do think that there is an increase chance of ectopic now that I have had one. There is some clincial evidenct that points in that direction. I know I could live through it again and maybe it would be easier the second time since I know the drill, but there would absolutely be no 3rd time. I told someone I wasn't planning to try with our frozen embryos and they said, of course you will. Of course I will? Really? Thanks for that.


My hope for today---I hope I can find a Genie bottle with 3 wishes (I promise I will make one World Peace and a fixed economy--although that would be 2 I guess...and I am only willing to give up one).

Funny

Look what I found...

http://www.thinkgeek.com/geek-kids/newborn-infant/e74b/
It says 'Made with Love'..and science'. Does this apply for all babies? Or just IVF babies? Or is this some evolution vs. creation argument played out in a baby onesie?  Which I have to say is something that seems to happen a lot! Political beliefs? Put it on a baby onesie. Believe in Existentialism? There's a onesie for that. Like Vampire movies--well give your kid this....



No wonder children rebel so much! If they didn't would their parents dress them like billboards for their parents personalities/beliefs for their entire lives?

I don't want to sound like I don't agree with doing this--some of these baby billboards are hysterical! Like this one...
(which, is actually sold out, so I can't be the only one that LOL'd to it)

My hope for today--some less heat please...

Survival of the fittest..

First let me say that I have read some old blogs and how terrible is my spelling, grammar and sentence structure?  It is not all my fault, just most of it. I write like I talk, which is a problem apparently. And typing on the Ipad, is a horrible idea, it lends itself to mistakes and lack of captializing. If anyone actually followed my blog, I would apoligize, but since I think it is just me and the universe, I can deal with my own short-comings.

The other day I was driving in the car with my husband and he was talking about survival of the fittest. And then it hit me. Are we being weeded out? Since we can't conceieve, are we being evolved right by? Again, if anyone read this blog they may find the thought controversial, but it really rang true for me and it has stuck with me.

 I am a million years away from wanting a child right now. I don't know if it is the trauma of the ectopic (not too strong of a word, trauma). Or if I am convincing myself in a protection strategy--it doesn't feel like that though. For years and years (up until we started fertility realizations 2.5 years ago) I never wanted children, openly I would say it, and often. My husband married me with the intention of probably never having kids. I often thought the universe heard me and that is why he gave us the infertility struggle, a be careful what you wish for type situation. I think I am that person again. Just settiling back in to the way I was, the way I envisioned my life. I do have to ask myself, where did all that wanting go? The excitement and hopefulness just disappeared?


Evolution, who would have thought....


My hope for today, more of the same....

Period.

I finally figured out why they call it your period. It marks a ending. I had day one on Tuesday night. I called my nurse, just to say, hey, i know i can't do anything, but I wanted to keep you in the loop. I have never been so happy to get my period before. For a while I was convinced that I would never get my period again. We really don't know what we are going to do. We really are debating if being parents is what we are being called to do. We don't need to make that decision now, so for now, we are at the end of the road with this journey. The real end, which direction we go in next, who knows?

My hope, that today is a day that is just calm.

Still Happy

Another example of how I thought I would feel one way, processing grief, and I am wrong. I really thought that this would be a difficult time. It hasn't been. I am still happy that the ectopic is over. And we have some real decisions to make. I am kind of settling into the idea of not having children. I am okay. If nothing changed forever I would be okay. Now, instead of seeing pregnant bellies and being envious, I hear screaming kids, tantrums, whining...all things I could live my entire life without. I know this fabulous older woman who has a great life. She never had children, although she has some step grandchildren in her life now. She travels, she looks youthful, she looks dynamite all the time. She is the epitome of fabulous. If my life turns out like hers I am happy. I can't be defined by this. I know that it seems crazy that we would have gone through so much just to stop. But, I might be perfectly fine with crazy. I am.

My hope, just more of the same is fine. Pure nothingness.

Congratulations...

I'm not pregnant. Not even a little. Less than 1%. I am very relieved and i am ambivalent to say, happy.

My hope, world peace.

No Whammies.....

I have to say I am VERY hopeful for tomorrow, although I am trying really hard to keep my expectations low. I know that if I do get a 0 tomorrow, this will be end of this IVF process, but I am more happy than anything else. I was reading a post from a woman who had a bad reaction (backpain) from one of the infertility meds she took and she stopped meds and gave up her journey to concieve naturally. She had some great points. She talked about the idea that even though she will never do infertility treatments again and will most likely never conceive and carry her child, she pointed out that what she had gone through with infertility has taught her things that she would never have learned otherwise. That the experience and the lessons could not have been learned otherwise. I agree with that. Ectopic alone, minus the infertility treatments and shots, has taught me more than I could have ever learned if I had not had an ectopic (which is not to say that I want another one). Also, that is not to jinx my numbers tomorrow. I will maybe one day list what I have learned, although it may be hard to express it.

I ran a 5k once and when I achieved that (which was a big goal for me, cause I never exercise) I felt so great. It is a different type of feeling to have overcome something I never anticipated would happen to me (and really didnt ever give one minute of thought to what an ectopic is). I don't feel great. I feel relieved. More relieved than disappointed. More relieved than anything else.

I read this quote and for me it seems appropo to this (our) loss...

"This is a rule of racing: No race has ever been won in the first corner; many have been lost there."
— Garth Stein (The Art of Racing in the Rain)

My hope---a goose egg. A Big Fat Goose Egg

0

Yay

I don't want too get too excited because you never know and i have been fooled before, but I go a 20! a 20...... I am in disbelief and tentatively happy!

My hope,
Dare i say a 0 next wed?

Resigned

This word came to mind on the way home. It is the perfect reflection of my feeling. I am setting myself up to be ready for surgery. So if there is good news that I don't need it then that will be great. This waiting is so much worse than any 2ww! I just want this to be over. I think back to all the time I spent analyzing what every twinge and number meant, for what? I am disgusted by the whole thing at this point. I want a zero so I can go away for the weekend. Anywhere but here would be fine, and the farther away I get from my clinic the better. I can't even begin to think of when to. Plan this for as of right now. I wonder if it sounds like i am being dramatic, i trust you, I am not. Also, i refuse to be positive or look on the bright side or downplay the situation. This sucks. More than i ever thought it could.


Hope....drop it down already!

Nag

Nagging pain on my right side BETTER be this breaking down. If it isn't I will be breaking down. I am so f-ing done with all this crap. I better not need surgery.

My hope....an end to this rotten hell

Whatever

The number is down to 74. I am not getting excited til 0. I would love to believe that this nagging pain means the ectopic is dissolving, but no bleeding. My numbers after the second shot were...

5/7    320
5/8    303 (2nd SHOT)
5/12  245
5/15  217
5/20  166
5/22  119
5/26  149 (AM)
5/26   77 (PM)
5/28   64
5/31  114
6/01 3rd shot
6/04 74

We have been even lower than this so we can't get excited. Back in on Wed. I cannot wait until this is a 0.

My hope, this doesn't end in surgery.

Calm

Over the last 3 days I have really just been in the moment. I have no expectations of the numbers tomorrow. I feel okay. Wed and Thursday I was nauseated on and off, but when I ate I felt better. I have been staying out of the sun because after the 2nd shot the sun seemed to bother me. So, I have nothing really to report.


My hope is that the number goes down, but I am ready for anything.

Shotty

I just had the shot. Anyone who has had Methotrexate knows it is actually 2 shots each dose. So technically, I have had 6 shots. But, they confirmed I have lost 3.5 lbs since my last weigh in (and since I started Weight Watchers a week and a half ago). I feel good as of now. Although I am still leaning toward not doing this again ever. I used to read blogs and wonder how people knew they were at the end of their journey with infertility. In this moment I am finished, maybe that will change tomorrow, in 3 months or in 3 years. I could say this was a sign or that I have a bad feeling, which I do believe are both true to some degree. This just doesn't feel right, more than the wind leaving my sails. I jsut don't know how much fight I have in me now. This took so much out of me and continues to, being a mother would take a million times more, and maybe I am not strong enough. If I doubt it, maybe I should not be trying. I saw a couple at the doctor today with an ultraosund picture. The man looked so happy and kept looking at the picture and trying to show it to the woman, she looked numb and wouldn't even pay it any attention. What was wrong with her? Did she know not to get excited because she has had so many disappopintments? Did she realize that after completing one HUGE journey of infertiliy, now she faces a pregnancy journey and then motherhood? Was it just shock and awe? It made me sad. Sad for me and my DH who are at a the completely different end of the spectrum, never seeing our baby's heartbeat or getting to an ultrasound picture. Waiting for week after week for the pregnancy to dissolve and poisoning my body to make that happen. I will survive all of this, but I won't be the same after it is said and done.

My hope, this methotrexate shot is the one that leads us to HCG 0.

WTF!

So on Saturday the number was down to 65.4 ...no shot.I was so happy and tried to stay in the moment knowing not to count my chickens. Today it is up to 114. Second shot tomorrow AM. All the docs agree and I don't know WTF. I am hopeful that this does the trick. Of course, as soon as I heard the number was up, the nagging right side pain came back.

WTF.

Hope, no side effects.


Also, as of this moment, I am done with infertility treatments for good. I can't shake this feeling, that all this is happening as a sign to not move forward. I cant describe it.

Emotionally spent

All I can do is update, because I don't even want to think about this anymore. I got the call from the nurse. MY number from yesterday afternoon (at 3:30) was 77. Down from 149 in the AM. The biopsy test came back without pregnancy tissue. They are saying that I may have already passed it, with the blob on Tuesday. If I did pass it, then why did my number go up 1.5 days after I passed it? Hopefully it just took a while to catch up. I have no theories to hang my hopes on anymore though. I did bleed during the day yesterday which would explain the drop. Not a lot of bleeding today, mostly spotting. They originally said to go back for blood work Sunday, but then I got bumped up to tomorrow. If it isn't down or if it is stagnant---then I get the third shot. Although I say, what is the rush on the 3rd shot. I am so tired--physically and emotionally. I slept horrible. And now I have a headache. SPENT.

Hope, that damn number drops already.

We should have known

Since it is a holiday weekend, what were we thinkig hoping all of this was coming to an end. Well step right up folks, looks like the roller coaster is back up and running. Since i was s o sure the number would be minimal, I didn't even bring my phone into lunch with me. When i got back in the car, a missed call from my nurse and 2 missed calls from my husband. Still thinking nothing, i called my husband. He said, the nurse called, your number went up. Shock. Why am i always so shocked, you think i would have been over that by now.

Called my nurse and sure enough, 149. And she seemed more shocked than me. She calls me her problem child at this point. We went in around 2:30 and she said that one of the docs said, to give another methotrexate shot. My nurses stepped in and said, i can't tell this girl she needs another shot, isn't there something else we can do at this point. She went to the doc she consults with (and obviosly trusts the most) and he agreed to do a scrapping of the uterus to look for pregnancy tissue. My nurse called the hospital and they agreed to run the pathology in 24 hours (usually takes 7 days). Again she said that she has never waited this long for someone to bleed.

When the doc did the scraping (which hurt so much i said he 'f' word when he was doing it...more than once). He said that perhaps it is just an abnormal pregnancy and was never ectopic. If pregnancy tissue is found in the uterus, than we wait it out (or possibly get a D and C) next week if it starts acting up again. If there is no pregnancy tissue and that number jumps up (they are testing it this weekend i think) then we get the third shot. They did the blood work for the 3rd shot again today to check my kidneys, etc. My feeling is we are getting the shot. Everyone is so nice and I feel really well taken care of, except I think they dont know what the heck is going on. Like all medicine, it is a game of percentages.

I did ask the doctor, a blob came out of me, what was it. He said, maybe it was all this passing throug. But then why two days later is the number creeping up. They think now that there may be a sac type object that is pooling and the doc said, hopefully they got it with the scraping. They also said i would start bleeding more, not yet. Cramping yes, uncomfort, most definitely, bleeding more---not so much.

I suppose the good news is I have let go of the worry. I don't have the emotions anymore to put into this. Now, I am supposed to think thay i am waiting to miscarry, and all along the methotrexate hasn't worked because it is an abnormal pregnancy? Whatever. I get my directions tomorrow, after they get the tissue results. Wanna make bets I am in there tomorrow at 4pm depleting and changing the cells in my body again.

To be honest, I don't know what to hope for except a good ending. Whatever that is.

Finally

I just started to bleed. I thought it was never going to happen. Ye of little faith. As happy as I am I am starting to feel cramping too, which I am less than happy about, but it goes with the territory. I know that the summer will fly, but I am happy to just be for now. I will have small things here and there to do at the clinic, but for the most part I am just going to try and enjoy the time and stay as positive as possible. Eating healthy and staying focused on my marriage. This time next year we will be in a different place for sure, no matter what the next 12 months have in store for us. My boss made a good point about the whole end of the world thing that didn't happen this weekend. She said, maybe it isn't the end of the world, but let this be a new begining. And that is what this is, dropping numbers means a fresh start. A chance to begin again.

Last week I had a dream that I had two kids, one was around 8 and the other one was around 4---I rarely have dreams that I have children. But I can still see them in my mind. This is going to happen. I know it, it's just a matter of when. I know God will give us what is in our hearts (and our dreams).

My hope...for wonderful and blessed new beginings

Still happy

I started my quest to lose 20 lbs yesterday and you think that would put me in a bad mood, but no. I am still very happy that my number is going down! also The Real Housewives is on tonight, which also makes me very happy. My poor Dh is sick though, so I have to go take care of him.

My hope...not to be greedy, but I want a number if 60 or below on Thursday!

109

 
109! I couldn't be happier. Almost in the double digits. I have included this beautiful poem called, 'Let This Darkness Be a Bell Tower' by Rainer Marie Rilka. It speaks to me, where I have been during all this and my perspective now.


Quiet friend who has come so far,
feel how your breathing makes more space around you.
Let this darkness be a bell tower
and you the bell. As you ring,

what batters you becomes your strength.
Move back and forth into the change.
What is it like, such intensity of pain?
If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine.

In this uncontainable night,
be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,
the meaning discovered there.

And if the world has ceased to hear you,
say to the silent earth: I flow.
To the rushing water, speak: I am.

Down and Up

The number is down to 166! That is in the hundred, which I really wanted! It is a 24% drop in 5days. I go back Sunday for an ultrasound and bloodwork again. The nurses words were, "They are hoping it will start to drop faster now, that is why they are bringing you in Sunday.". Whatever whyever, I am just happy it is down in the one hundreds! Maybe there is an end to this ectopic! 48 days since I got word that the pregnancy test was positve and I am so happy to hear that I am getting closer to a negative pregnancy test! 79 days until this Methotrexate is out of my system. That sounds like a lot, but the truth is I am excited to have my period. To get back on track. I am starting Weight Watchers tomorrow to get rid of these 20 lbs of stress and hormones I have gained. That should keep me busy and my mind occupied for the next 80 days. Also, one of the coolest people I know (also my colleague) is starting her IVF cycle and I am so so excited for her! Being excited for her helps take the edge off of all this. I am hopeful for her and I know it is going to work the first time 1st time! She is one of those people that you just know is going to be a great mom, that is how I know it is going to work for her. I just know.


My hope, that my number dumps a lot by Sunday, so that light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter and brighter!



Downside of anger

I have been great for over a week, but last night at 2 am, after over a week of being pain free, my side started hurting. I went to the clinic and all is clear, maybe it is just breaking down. The doc today saw the mass again and lining 14. The mass looked less like a sac, then the last time. Hopefully this pain means the #'s are dropping, but I have no clue.I also am just down. I never went back to sleep after 2am. This is not my day, I can't believe yesterday I was 100% and today, nowhere near that.

Hope, the 100's tomorrow.

On the brighter side I had to call the insurance lady at our work today and we were talking about infertility. She told me the story of how she went through all this 20-25 years ago. She ended up adopting two chidden. The second child was really given to her from her gynecologist who delivered a baby to a teen who could not keep it. the moral of the story was she said, you will get you baby, when it is your baby. All of this journey will seem like nothing, just a moment. She said it will all make sense one day. I believe her. She said she would pray for me. She said she remembered sitting in church and the homily was that God will give you whats in your heart. I believe that too.

WTF appointment

So, we saw the doctor. Who is very nice to talk to and only made us wait about 20 minutes. Here is what we learned

·         That the chance of an ectopic is 1% in the general population and although there are studies that say there may be an increased risk with IVF, those are older studies, when they didn’t gauge how much air and pressure they used. Our doc said she watched the video and feels confident that they were resting comfortably when placed.

·         She stated that if we HAD NOT done PGD she would probably have assumed there was something genetically abnormal about the embryos, because genetically abnormal embryos can sometimes wander. Since these were PGD’d she can say that is not the case here.

·         She said there are studies that say embryos can float around for up to 24 hours after they are transferred—some studies have put video cameras in animals to find that out.

·         She said that with a low beta that could have been an indicator of an ectopic, but they have to use cauton in making determinations (obviously)

·         My DH said he was concerned if we transfer 2 embryos at the FET then one could end up ectopic and one could end up in utero. She said that is VERY VERY rare, but they have operated to remove the tube and save the in utero pregnancy in the past.

·         She feels confident that there will most likely not be another ectopic, and just because these embryos didn’t work, doesn’t mean that the frozen embryos will not work.

·         She said that one ectopic does not mean that my uterus has any problems. She did say she is going to do a quick biopsy in July just to make sure there are no underlying infections that could be making my uterus an unwelcoming place (she said this is really a precaution and she thinks she will find nothing).

·         She guaranteed me that I would start bleeding sometime. She also said that the last few HCG’s have been consistently dropping and hopefully that continues on Friday. If it stagnates or increases another shot is going to happen Saturday.  She said they don’t like to do Methotrexate and then surgery; they like to do one or the other. She thinks that it will not rupture (although she said anything is possible).

·         She briefly described FET. Saying that we will try to do it naturally and link it up to my cycle. No prime cycle. It would be from the day I ovulate + 6 days that  they would transfer.

·         She said that the survival rate for our embryos is 95% (She said closer to 99%, but they report at 95%)--they will thaw them the day of the transfer. She said she wants to feel confident that the lining is good before she does the FET, so she will not hesitate to cancel if she is not sure the lining looks great. She doesn’t want to waste embryos.

·         My lining has been increasing (a lot) it went from a 2 to a 14 in 2 days (and that was as of 1.5 weeks ago). She said that she wasn’t sure why that was happening, but when the HCG drops, bleeding will start. If the lining was thin she would think it was reabsorbing, but with a lining that is increasing, she expects to see bleeding. Again, she assured me I would bleed.

·         I said that I didn’t think this number was going to be down until the end of July, she thinks that it will be dropping and I will have my period by the end of June.

·         She believes whole-heartedly that only one embryo took and one did not.

I love the clinic/practice I go to. In general though, I feel there are no real answers. There are studies, but this is more of a sit around and wait scenario. I feel confident that we are in a good place. We learned we have good embryos, we learned that our embryo can implant and stick around. What I meant to ask and I didn’t was, what are the obstacles our embryos still face? What are the barriers that could hinder us from making it to live birth? Except, even when as write that I know there are a 1,000 answers, none of the answers is definitive. So, I guess it doesn’t matter.

One thing I have learned (I mean I intellectually knew this, but now I KNOW it)... we only know what we know and sometimes what we know is indicative of nothing. Next time, if I have a low beta or a high beta it doesn’t matter, because high could be good or bad and low could be good or bad. Even no beta, what does that mean, it just means that time didn’t work. It says nothing about the chances of the next set not working.  I guess this is me finally realizing my lack of control in this and most things. I needed this lesson. I needed to know this…really believe and experience it. This whole  process has been cathartic, for a host of reasons. With that said, I will always be  sorry and carry a sadness that we won’t  have our baby in December, that will always be true.

My hope for today---that our numbers are going down.

Monday....

When I woke up this AM with a cold coming on, I almost lost it. Depleted. I realized that I have not only manipulated my body, I have stripped it of immunities. What the hell have I done? Don't get me wrong. I want a baby, but maybe not like this. I just can't believe all of this. Why am I still in shock after all of this, how is it even possible that I ended up here?

My hope....the numbers are dropping.

Number...

217. This is going to take forever it seems. The good news for now is I have emotionally detached from the situation. Whatever happens happens. At this rate it could take 6 more weeks to get to 0 then at least 4 weeks to get my period. If that is the case..who cares that I have to wait 3 months after the shot. Nothing would happen until august anyway. As long as I don't need the shot again that is....

My hope, Dropping numbers please.

The new nothing...

Today I woke up with absolutely no pregnancy symptoms. Which shouldn't seem weird at all, since my current pregnancy is in HCG number only. It was just weird to have no cramps, or swelling or sore boobs. Nothing. It struck me though, this is me for now. I should be 10 weeks pregnant, but I am not. And that is that. Have you heard people say that a song you are singing or a quote that pops in your mind is a sign of your current state/subconscious. Today out of nowhere, I thought to myself, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.". That pretty much sums it up. I feel bad seeming so whiny and complaining--I promise I am really actually pretty UP.

One of my infertile (PCOS) friends announced on FACEBOOK she was pregnant. When I pressed "like" she wrote on my wall that she wanted to tell me in person and was sorry she didn't. I am legitimately happy for her, for any infertile actually (and we all know every time I see a pregnant woman I assume she was at one time an IVF client). When I mentioned it to my friend she said, it's okay for you to not be happy for her. No it's not. I am dealing with infertility, that doesn't make me a witch. I mean, maybe sometimes but not really.

My hope, low numbers on Sunday AND naturally occurring pregnancies for all the couples dealing with infertility!!

Not bad...

It is amazing how this whole process has really helped me lower my expectations and change my perspective on what is good news. I have had little side effects this round of Methotrexate. Does that mean it is working? Does that mean it is not working? I have no idea. I am just happy for and in every moment that I am not feeling badly. I go for blood work on Thursday and I have no expectation at all. If it goes up, well, they said that could happen. If it goes down, well, they said that could happen. I want this ectopic over. Much to my dismay as of right now, is I have no bleeding (still). Some of the docs have said it could just be absorbing back into my system, but I think we would all feel better if I saw something. I can't even bring myself to think about what happens if it doesn't work, what that means and entails---it is beyond me. I am not positive or negative. I am emotionally spent and really numb right now. One thing I am so happy about is since this round of Metho is not bad,  if I need it again in the future (this time or for another ectopic) I can handle this.

My hope---this shot works and we can close this chapter in our IVF story.

Mothers day

Another holiday shit on...I had the shot today. The number went down to 303, but at this point they and we don't care. It was not signifigant so the shot had to be done. It has been 16 days since our last shot and the number is in basically the same place.It has moved up and down but not a lot. The doc today said some of it is probably dying, while other cells keep growing. He saw nothing on the ultrasound again. He talked about the problem with surgery, it could be like searching for a needle in a haystack, and they would do a D and C first to make sure it wasn't in the uterus growing abnormally. As far as the constant nagging pain on my right side. He said no significant changes in the pain should just be monitored, any changes give a call.

As of now the only hope i have is that i get to go to my mom's for Mothers Day without being terribly sick or uncomfortable.

I am taking a nap cause i slept about 45 minutes last night.

Don't count your chickens....

Went for my blood work this AM feeling 100%. No worries at all. Then the call came and I let it go to voice mail, assuming it was just routine. And then the phone rang again.Which couldn't be good. It went up. 320. SHOCK. I cannot believe this. Tomorrow AM I have STAT blood work again, a scan and then the shot. Now I don't even care about the shot. As bad as it was it wasn't this horror show. I don't care if my number is 85 tomorrow (haha) I am taking that shot. I asked the nurse since the 1st one didn't work why would the second. She gave me the same song and dance, that 90% of people are successful with Methotrexate, 80% of them with the first shot and then 7% fir the 2nd (and I guess there are people who go to the 3rd shot). I hope I am not going through all this just to have surgery in the end anyway. Of course, now I feel horrible again. Pain on my right side, blah blah blah. I went out and bought new deck furniture--didn't help. I thought I was at the end of my rope before---but this is absolutely ridiculous.

My hope--that the side effects are less horrible this time.

The Tower of Terror

The horror. This has been horrible. The whole experience has been emotionally and physically exhausting. Here are my HCG's since I found out I was pregnant:

4/3/2011	24
4/5/2011	87.2
4/7/2011	289
4/9/2011	545
4/12/2011	1171
4/13/2011	1063
4/14/2011	586
4/15/2011	503
4/18/2011	332
4/22/2011	364
4/26/2011	500
4/29/2011	455
5/2/2011	487
5/3/2011	360
5/5/2011	216

     5/7/2011           320



I got the shot on 4/22! When I got the call on Friday that my number had dropped less than 15% and they weren't happy, they told me to return again on Monday 5/2. When I got the message that it went up!!! I couldn't believe it. Shock and Awe (again). They brought me in Monday for stat bloodwork in anticipation of my Tuesday repeat Methotrexate shot. Monday my DH called the doc and spoke with her and then the doc called me (which was very nice of her--remember I am in a BIG practice). Tuesday I had repeat bloodwork and the beta was in 360--A DROP! Thank GOD, literally. I was so happy. Then Tuesday night I started getting achy, at 4:30 AM on Wed morning I was puking my guts out--called the doc on call (sorry for the 4:30 am phone call). He said to take my nausea medication and he didn't think it was related. I couldn't get out of bed all day yesterday --cramps, a small fever, emotions going crazy and a migraine by the end of the day. When I woke up this AM, I felt better. Finally, like a new woman, I just think yesterday was one last push. Of course I still have 0 bleeding, but something must be going on. When they did the ultrasound today the doc couldn't see the mass, but did see a small amount of free fluid in the cavity, which I think means that the little sac is gone. He said it is could be breaking up, but it didn't just leave (whatever). I am in less pain, my right side feels a lot better. Every now and then a little something, but a 40 % drop is huge today! I am so happy. Sad, but happy. I can't believe that I would  have been 9 weeks pregnant on Mothers Day and now I am hoping for this pregnancy hormone to be gone.

While I was waiting for this HCG to drop (although I had little faith on Tuesday am and was sure that another shot was going to happen). I started picturing things that go down, thermometers, hills, and then it hit me-The Tower of Terror at Universal Studios. The elevator that goes up and drops and up and drops. That is this. When I went to Disney this Dec, me my sister, brother and law and their 2 young children (8 and 9) got in line. We went through the little video and continued in line. When we were outside the elevator next to enter. I wanted OUT. Lucky me so did my 8 year olf nephew, we opted out. And we got to take a regular elevator to the exit of the ride. It was awesome. Couldn't have been happier to be off the ride line. I know that this number will end at the bottom, but opting out would be great.

My new mantra is, it's just a matter of time. Even the doc said she has faith in our frozen embryos (obviously strong from the fight that is going on inside my tube). It's just a matter of time until we have our baby. I can't imagine going through this again and there were a lot of times I have thought if I am not strong enough for this ectopic, how can I be strong enough for a pregnancy. But the other side of this is over the last few weeks when I thought I couldn't do this, couldn't get through it, I did. I have. I will. Part of me is happy (kinda) to be on hiatus until Aug/Sept. I think we need time to mourn our baby. And to recognize how strong we are as a couple. Which we are, my poor husband has seen me at my worst over the past few days, the bottom. He is truly the best. I will dedicate a wonder and amazement entry to him on a different day.

My hope for today--that we are nearing the end of this scary ride.