Follow Up

Follow up follow up. I went to the clinic on Monday to find out about my endo biopsy. I couldn't believe I was back there. Moreove, a man walked in with 2 kids and seemed to know the people behind the desk then walked back to the offices. My appointment was 1:30--and this was 1:30. Our clinic has a rule about no children in the waiting room. I just knew when they walked back that this was my RE's family. IT was 1:30--and they were just getting there!! WTF. Now maybe there was some sort of emergency and they needed to see her, blah blah blah. She kept me waiting for 25 minutes!! 25 minutes. When the family left I was called in 2 minutes later. Then there it was---the picture of her kids on her desk--same kids that just left. Maybe it wouldn't bother a better person--but it bothered me. Anyway, it turns out I have Endometrits or whatever--some low grade infection in my uterus. My doc seeemed unconcerned with it, and said she thinks this in no way caused my ectopic. The treatment is 2 weeks of Doxy (which I was on right after my retrieval so it couldn't have been an infection that caused it). Whatever --she said, we found it so let's treat it. My DH was a call in and she seemed worried because he seemed distant on the phone. We really had nothing to say or ask. She pulled up our file and said that we have 6 frozen embryos--4 at A+ and 2 at A status. For our FET, if we chose to do it she said there is a mix of genders and then asked us repeatedly if we wanted to chose the gender. We said no. She said that we could  change our mind. She also talked to us about a single embryo FET (since their success rate is now 66% of pregnancies made in the clinic result in twins they are pushing the single transfer) unmedicated cycle ( I said I wanted the unmedicated cycle if we do it--she said fine). The only problem to unmedicated is if they can't determine when I ovulate they have to cancel the transfer, but I am a pretty regular person. I could probably tell them when I am ovulating. The earliest we can do it would be at my next period. Of course that is after 2 weeks of doxy AND another DAMN endobiopsy. Which are painful--and this will be my third one. Again, she said she is not worried about the infection. I also said that I have been having a ton of pain at ovulation and PMS--she said SO many women say that to her and she attributes it to the fact that we are now hypersenstive to our cycles--and said it would be especially different  if I had been on birth control (which I wasn't)--and she knows that from my file. Discounting much--we all have this pain and it is just awareness? That seems an easy answer to something they really they have no answer for at all. I know this post seems angry and I am not that angry or I didn't think I was until re-reading this. This was just an exploratory follow up. I am still numb to the whole idea.

She did tell us that our fresh embryo transfer was one boy one girl. Which we predicted and she confirmed is what they usually try to do. There was a moment in the meeting where I got the sense she was going to say that they weren't even our best quality embryos--but then she didn't say it. Who knows. That is where we are now, I am on doxy and waiting--my next endobiopsy is 9.15.2011. It took them 3 weeks to get the results from my last one and she said she was suprised at that because it usually only takes a week. Let's hope these come back sooner, because if we do try at our next cycle then day one is September 24th. She said my chances of an ectopic again do not increase because I have already had one (not that encouraging, since I have already had one).


It is absolutely amazing to me that if the ectopic was a normal pregnancy we would be going into our 3rd trimester--we would be just 3 months away from the due date of  Dec 11th---that time went fast (after the ectopic was resolved that is).

My hope---

Heeling--for the first time

My beak (fur baby) does not heel==not in the traditional sense of dog's heeling--but he does heal in medical terms. He seems to be getting better every day--althought I don't want to jinx it. My little fur baby has taught me so much since his operation experience.

1.) I was a stay at home mom Tues-Sun and it was impossible to leave him today--I might have to be a stay at home mom during the day and just work at night if we have kids
2.) You should always advocate for what you want/need. For the first time I was too passive, with the kennel--I should have had my sister in law get him out of there and take him home when I had a bad feeling. It is important to know when I am powerless and when there is more I can do.
3.) Always listen to (and act on) your bad (and good) feelings.
4.) As parent, my DH and I will be totally overprotective freaks.
5.) I have a lot of love to give--and besides the neurosis--I will be a devoted and loving mother.
6.) Almost losing something you love, can really change your perspective on things.
7.) I will perpetually be a caregiver.
8.) This moment is all we have--you never know.
9.) Don't look forward to things too much, you never know if you are rushing toward something that might not turn out well.
10.) I have the best dog in the world!! And a great husband too--All around I am a lucky girl, not matter how much it seems that I am having a bad run of things, it all depends on how you look at it.

My hope for today--HEAL doggie.

Oh-no Endo

I have chronic pain on my right side, i have often blamed the ectopic, but I am begining to think it is Endo. We have a follow up with our RE on Monday and I am going to ask her opinion. I have 90% of the symptoms. Including an ectopic under my belt. It is really the only question I have at this point.

http://www.endo-resolved.com/symptoms.html

It's always something

I am home early from vacation.....we got a call from the kennel that our fur baby was acting strange on Saturday night. I told them to take him to an emergency vet...they did and it turned out his stomach had flipped. They gave him a 50/50 chance and told us it would cost a boat load of money...10k. So we had to chose, from NC to NJ over the phone, we had to chose whether to save our fur baby's life...or save 10 k...and in less then .0005 seconds we chose to have the operation. He is recovering, and doing well. It was a horrible night...horrific. I have never prayed so hard in my life! I told God that he took my baby and I really could not lose the only baby I have, or may ever have...my fur-baby. If we do ever have a baby, then we just saved our baby's dog. I keep getting emotional because I cannot believe that we almost lost our fur baby.

God is good and he heard my prayers and saved our baby (of the fur variety).

My hope for today, a speedy recovery for my little beak.

Vacation

I go on vacation tomorrow. I am really excited to recharge and relax. Of course everyone keeps telling me how much I deserve a vacation--and I agree. So, I may not post. Or who knows maybe I will post eveyday. I have so many followers I know you will all miss me. I am not going on vacation with expectations of coming to any grand conclusions or coming back with a totally new perspective. Real life seems to just keep coming. Which I guess I should not complain about. ALthough I am going to try to leave my life here ---it will be here when I get back. The only thing I will miss here is my fur baby--he is going into a kennel, but we picked one with cameras so we could see him whenever we want (I am sure he will be sleeping most of the time).

I  hope vacation goes well and that everyone in my family has a great, safe happy and healthy time.


Bon Voyage! (I am not taking a boat).

Word of the Day

So, on Friday I had an endobiopsy--or I should say another endobiopsy. The first one was at the end of May to determine what we already knew---We were dealing with an ecotopic and there was no pregnancy tissue in my uterus. This one was to determine if there is a reason why said embryo may have wanted to wander out of my uterus--possibly an infection. My doctor determined I needed this prior to my last Methotrexate shot and prior to my first endobiopsy (which was a last ditch effort to try and have me avoid the 3rd Methotrexate shot). Anyway, I think I blogged about it then, this endobiopsy is really overly cautious. They don't really think I have an infection but want to rule it out. Anyway, for something that was perhaps not needed it really is uncomfortable. My first endopbiopsy I was bleeding (remember it was my period, but not my period--and not the ectopic passing). It hurt very badly when they did it, but not so much after. Now this one didn't hurt as badly when they were doing it, but left me with spotting (which could have happened last time too) and pain! But part of me thinks this is ovulation pain. Although when it concentrates on my right side I blame the ectopic and possible break away pain and/or scar tissue. So, of course I googled 'ovulation pain' and it turns out that it has a name= MITTELSCHMERZ --love that name! Totally fun right! Don't google image it though---it is a lot less fun to see then say.


I left the clinic on Friday really upset though. I asked my DH why he thought I was so emotional about having to even walk through those doors again. He made a good point and said, well, only bad experiences are tied to that place for you. And it is true. Nothing good has happened to me there. That is not to be negative or melodramatic. Really, I can't think of a good thing. So, when I left, I cried. I don't even know why or what about. I just couldn't believe I had to deal with this endobiopsy or anything for that matter. I know that if we want to go back there, it will happen for us, when it is our time. The amount of strength it is going to take to walk through their doors for an actual ultrasound to measure my lining (which may lead to a another possible ectopic, which may lead to another endobiopsy, and over and over).  I can't even imagine.

Also, I am off to vacation Friday at noon until August 27th! Nothing but soaking up the sun and doing nothing but relaxing! Although I learned that the sun depletes Folic Acid--not so good---but guess who doesn't care?  Me.


My hope---Gone With the Pain. (aka Mittelschmerz)

Liar Liar ….

   

I figured something out. I have decided when AND IF we decide to do IVF again I am telling nobody. No blogging about it, not telling friends or family. Just going to do it. It would just be a FET anyway so it would not be a huge ordeal.  If it happened I wouldn’t ever hide that it happened with a FET, I just have decided to deal with anything that is coming, alone. This made me think about all those women who supposedly stop fertility treatment and then happen to get pregnant (the old---you just need to take your mind off of it). Bullcrap=I bet most of those people who just ‘stopped thinking about it’ really just stopped talking about it. They probably snuck back to their fertility clinics, and did not want to tell people. This is not to say people are not great, my colleagues and family have been supportive, helpful and accommodating they have helped me more than I could ever thank them for.

I saw the Julianna and Bill conversation and it left a lot to be desired. I don’t know what Bill seems so committed to waiting. My DH said it was because ‘there is a lot of pressure on him’ –interesting.

I have hope for a fast moving week!