All the blogs I follow are about infertility. Now I am starting to feel like I don't belong anymore. I will never consider my DH and I as a couple, fertile, but can I really consider us infertile? Perhaps the memories of the clinic and the ectopic are keeping me too tentative. I changed my planner/calendar today and every year at this timeI thumb through the pages of the previous year to make sure that there are no bussiness cards or numbers I may need to transfer over. And there they were--the ectopic numbers --highlighted (why I highlighted???) --on basically every other day--there they were---up and down. I realize that I can't hang on to them anymore. Not if I want the baby that we have growing to feel entirely welcomed. I don't belong back there in that mind space. It has stopped me from being excited and kept me freaked the first 12 weeks of this pregnency. It's over. I am going to file it away with my planner from 2011.
Every year I write a letter to the previous year---here is my letter to 2011.....
Dear 2011
Last year I looked forward to you, since your predecessor was easily and happily excused. But some days it felt like you would never end and I wished I had never looked forward to you. You tried to steal my hope almost successfully. You tried to steal my spirit, but lost. 2011, I harbor no resentments because you have taught me, through experience, the 'sweet is not so sweet without the sour'.
Forlorn at times, but ending better than where we started. I bid you farewell 2011, it is with fear and happiness I know I will revisit you often to remind me of my resilience.
Warm regards:
U know who
PS 2012, None of this is intended to be a dare....
I am a 35 (almost 36) year old with a supportive and loving husband and one fabulous golden fur-baby! After many failed IUI's and a fresh IVF cycle ending in ectopic---We had a successful FET. 40 weeks of disbelief later we are parents to a beautiful baby girl--every moment I spend with our baby reminds me of how blessed and lucky we are. ...read at your own risk. Of course not one thing I write is meant to offend or upset anyone.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Just when you think...
Your headache is gone (like on Tuesday) and I was so so so happy--it came back with a vengeance yesterday. If death had knocked on the door in the middle of the headache I would have at least heard his offer. It was so horrible. I ended up calling my OB for medication which he assured me was safe and he has prescribed for years and years. SInce the babies organs are formed this is a safer time than the first trimester. No headache today, but I was extremely tired this AM. So, I slept in a little bit before coming to work.
I said outloud today that I am 15 weeks pregnant (tomorrow)---which seemed like a lot---double digits and all, which made it seem all the more real (as if the headache wasn't enough of a reminder). Soon I should feel the baby move---and if that ultrasound is an indicator of how much our baby likes to move--I think once I feel him/her, he/she is not going to stop moving. That is probably a good thing for a neurotic like me.
Just wanted to check in since I have been such a lack blogger---and when you live through a migraine like that--you want to document it--if for no other reason to remind myself--I am a strong woman! Even if I cry through the whole thing!
I said outloud today that I am 15 weeks pregnant (tomorrow)---which seemed like a lot---double digits and all, which made it seem all the more real (as if the headache wasn't enough of a reminder). Soon I should feel the baby move---and if that ultrasound is an indicator of how much our baby likes to move--I think once I feel him/her, he/she is not going to stop moving. That is probably a good thing for a neurotic like me.
Just wanted to check in since I have been such a lack blogger---and when you live through a migraine like that--you want to document it--if for no other reason to remind myself--I am a strong woman! Even if I cry through the whole thing!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
First Trimester Fog
So, I have not blogged in forever. I have been in nausea and headache land on and off--today is the first time I have been headache free in a week and I am SO happy! The baby seems fine, we had our 12 week ultrasound and the baby was crazy!! Flipping around and making involuntary jolts, putting his/her hands up. I was just in awe of the whole thing. The whole time I just kept saying "this is crazy" over and over again.
I also had spotting for a while--but when I stopped the Endometrin at the 12 week marks it stopped--which has been a huge relief. Now, if I have a pain or feel something weird--I just tell myself if there is no blood, then I am not going to worry---even if there is blood there is little to be done. After my 12 week ultrasound a lot of the fear of losing the baby lifted and/or the idea that I have no control over what happens settled in and/or my symptoms have escalated and I have had less time to worry.
Then we had our dr's appt on Friday (12/30) to discuss migraines (having the worst headache of my life on wed (12/28) night). She said I could take percocet (which I refuse to do), especially since she said it just might take the edge off. The rest of the week was mostly sinus headaches so my mood fluctuated with my pain. It has been a really uncomfortable experience--but it makes me appreciate when I feel better so much more!
I still am blessed, I just don't always feel blessed when I am in pain and immobile or cancelling plans based on my mood/pain level. I truly do hope my 2nd trimester brings me relief.
I also had spotting for a while--but when I stopped the Endometrin at the 12 week marks it stopped--which has been a huge relief. Now, if I have a pain or feel something weird--I just tell myself if there is no blood, then I am not going to worry---even if there is blood there is little to be done. After my 12 week ultrasound a lot of the fear of losing the baby lifted and/or the idea that I have no control over what happens settled in and/or my symptoms have escalated and I have had less time to worry.
Then we had our dr's appt on Friday (12/30) to discuss migraines (having the worst headache of my life on wed (12/28) night). She said I could take percocet (which I refuse to do), especially since she said it just might take the edge off. The rest of the week was mostly sinus headaches so my mood fluctuated with my pain. It has been a really uncomfortable experience--but it makes me appreciate when I feel better so much more!
I still am blessed, I just don't always feel blessed when I am in pain and immobile or cancelling plans based on my mood/pain level. I truly do hope my 2nd trimester brings me relief.
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