So on Saturday the number was down to 65.4 ...no shot.I was so happy and tried to stay in the moment knowing not to count my chickens. Today it is up to 114. Second shot tomorrow AM. All the docs agree and I don't know WTF. I am hopeful that this does the trick. Of course, as soon as I heard the number was up, the nagging right side pain came back.
WTF.
Hope, no side effects.
Also, as of this moment, I am done with infertility treatments for good. I can't shake this feeling, that all this is happening as a sign to not move forward. I cant describe it.
I am a 35 (almost 36) year old with a supportive and loving husband and one fabulous golden fur-baby! After many failed IUI's and a fresh IVF cycle ending in ectopic---We had a successful FET. 40 weeks of disbelief later we are parents to a beautiful baby girl--every moment I spend with our baby reminds me of how blessed and lucky we are. ...read at your own risk. Of course not one thing I write is meant to offend or upset anyone.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Emotionally spent
All I can do is update, because I don't even want to think about this anymore. I got the call from the nurse. MY number from yesterday afternoon (at 3:30) was 77. Down from 149 in the AM. The biopsy test came back without pregnancy tissue. They are saying that I may have already passed it, with the blob on Tuesday. If I did pass it, then why did my number go up 1.5 days after I passed it? Hopefully it just took a while to catch up. I have no theories to hang my hopes on anymore though. I did bleed during the day yesterday which would explain the drop. Not a lot of bleeding today, mostly spotting. They originally said to go back for blood work Sunday, but then I got bumped up to tomorrow. If it isn't down or if it is stagnant---then I get the third shot. Although I say, what is the rush on the 3rd shot. I am so tired--physically and emotionally. I slept horrible. And now I have a headache. SPENT.
Hope, that damn number drops already.
Hope, that damn number drops already.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
We should have known
Since it is a holiday weekend, what were we thinkig hoping all of this was coming to an end. Well step right up folks, looks like the roller coaster is back up and running. Since i was s o sure the number would be minimal, I didn't even bring my phone into lunch with me. When i got back in the car, a missed call from my nurse and 2 missed calls from my husband. Still thinking nothing, i called my husband. He said, the nurse called, your number went up. Shock. Why am i always so shocked, you think i would have been over that by now.
Called my nurse and sure enough, 149. And she seemed more shocked than me. She calls me her problem child at this point. We went in around 2:30 and she said that one of the docs said, to give another methotrexate shot. My nurses stepped in and said, i can't tell this girl she needs another shot, isn't there something else we can do at this point. She went to the doc she consults with (and obviosly trusts the most) and he agreed to do a scrapping of the uterus to look for pregnancy tissue. My nurse called the hospital and they agreed to run the pathology in 24 hours (usually takes 7 days). Again she said that she has never waited this long for someone to bleed.
When the doc did the scraping (which hurt so much i said he 'f' word when he was doing it...more than once). He said that perhaps it is just an abnormal pregnancy and was never ectopic. If pregnancy tissue is found in the uterus, than we wait it out (or possibly get a D and C) next week if it starts acting up again. If there is no pregnancy tissue and that number jumps up (they are testing it this weekend i think) then we get the third shot. They did the blood work for the 3rd shot again today to check my kidneys, etc. My feeling is we are getting the shot. Everyone is so nice and I feel really well taken care of, except I think they dont know what the heck is going on. Like all medicine, it is a game of percentages.
I did ask the doctor, a blob came out of me, what was it. He said, maybe it was all this passing throug. But then why two days later is the number creeping up. They think now that there may be a sac type object that is pooling and the doc said, hopefully they got it with the scraping. They also said i would start bleeding more, not yet. Cramping yes, uncomfort, most definitely, bleeding more---not so much.
I suppose the good news is I have let go of the worry. I don't have the emotions anymore to put into this. Now, I am supposed to think thay i am waiting to miscarry, and all along the methotrexate hasn't worked because it is an abnormal pregnancy? Whatever. I get my directions tomorrow, after they get the tissue results. Wanna make bets I am in there tomorrow at 4pm depleting and changing the cells in my body again.
To be honest, I don't know what to hope for except a good ending. Whatever that is.
Called my nurse and sure enough, 149. And she seemed more shocked than me. She calls me her problem child at this point. We went in around 2:30 and she said that one of the docs said, to give another methotrexate shot. My nurses stepped in and said, i can't tell this girl she needs another shot, isn't there something else we can do at this point. She went to the doc she consults with (and obviosly trusts the most) and he agreed to do a scrapping of the uterus to look for pregnancy tissue. My nurse called the hospital and they agreed to run the pathology in 24 hours (usually takes 7 days). Again she said that she has never waited this long for someone to bleed.
When the doc did the scraping (which hurt so much i said he 'f' word when he was doing it...more than once). He said that perhaps it is just an abnormal pregnancy and was never ectopic. If pregnancy tissue is found in the uterus, than we wait it out (or possibly get a D and C) next week if it starts acting up again. If there is no pregnancy tissue and that number jumps up (they are testing it this weekend i think) then we get the third shot. They did the blood work for the 3rd shot again today to check my kidneys, etc. My feeling is we are getting the shot. Everyone is so nice and I feel really well taken care of, except I think they dont know what the heck is going on. Like all medicine, it is a game of percentages.
I did ask the doctor, a blob came out of me, what was it. He said, maybe it was all this passing throug. But then why two days later is the number creeping up. They think now that there may be a sac type object that is pooling and the doc said, hopefully they got it with the scraping. They also said i would start bleeding more, not yet. Cramping yes, uncomfort, most definitely, bleeding more---not so much.
I suppose the good news is I have let go of the worry. I don't have the emotions anymore to put into this. Now, I am supposed to think thay i am waiting to miscarry, and all along the methotrexate hasn't worked because it is an abnormal pregnancy? Whatever. I get my directions tomorrow, after they get the tissue results. Wanna make bets I am in there tomorrow at 4pm depleting and changing the cells in my body again.
To be honest, I don't know what to hope for except a good ending. Whatever that is.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Finally
I just started to bleed. I thought it was never going to happen. Ye of little faith. As happy as I am I am starting to feel cramping too, which I am less than happy about, but it goes with the territory. I know that the summer will fly, but I am happy to just be for now. I will have small things here and there to do at the clinic, but for the most part I am just going to try and enjoy the time and stay as positive as possible. Eating healthy and staying focused on my marriage. This time next year we will be in a different place for sure, no matter what the next 12 months have in store for us. My boss made a good point about the whole end of the world thing that didn't happen this weekend. She said, maybe it isn't the end of the world, but let this be a new begining. And that is what this is, dropping numbers means a fresh start. A chance to begin again.
Last week I had a dream that I had two kids, one was around 8 and the other one was around 4---I rarely have dreams that I have children. But I can still see them in my mind. This is going to happen. I know it, it's just a matter of when. I know God will give us what is in our hearts (and our dreams).
My hope...for wonderful and blessed new beginings
Last week I had a dream that I had two kids, one was around 8 and the other one was around 4---I rarely have dreams that I have children. But I can still see them in my mind. This is going to happen. I know it, it's just a matter of when. I know God will give us what is in our hearts (and our dreams).
My hope...for wonderful and blessed new beginings
Monday, May 23, 2011
Still happy
I started my quest to lose 20 lbs yesterday and you think that would put me in a bad mood, but no. I am still very happy that my number is going down! also The Real Housewives is on tonight, which also makes me very happy. My poor Dh is sick though, so I have to go take care of him.
My hope...not to be greedy, but I want a number if 60 or below on Thursday!
My hope...not to be greedy, but I want a number if 60 or below on Thursday!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
109
109! I couldn't be happier. Almost in the double digits. I have included this beautiful poem called, 'Let This Darkness Be a Bell Tower' by Rainer Marie Rilka. It speaks to me, where I have been during all this and my perspective now.
Quiet friend who has come so far,
feel how your breathing makes more space around you.
Let this darkness be a bell tower
and you the bell. As you ring,
what batters you becomes your strength.
Move back and forth into the change.
What is it like, such intensity of pain?
If the drink is bitter, turn yourself to wine.
In this uncontainable night,
be the mystery at the crossroads of your senses,
the meaning discovered there.
And if the world has ceased to hear you,
say to the silent earth: I flow.
To the rushing water, speak: I am.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Down and Up
The number is down to 166! That is in the hundred, which I really wanted! It is a 24% drop in 5days. I go back Sunday for an ultrasound and bloodwork again. The nurses words were, "They are hoping it will start to drop faster now, that is why they are bringing you in Sunday.". Whatever whyever, I am just happy it is down in the one hundreds! Maybe there is an end to this ectopic! 48 days since I got word that the pregnancy test was positve and I am so happy to hear that I am getting closer to a negative pregnancy test! 79 days until this Methotrexate is out of my system. That sounds like a lot, but the truth is I am excited to have my period. To get back on track. I am starting Weight Watchers tomorrow to get rid of these 20 lbs of stress and hormones I have gained. That should keep me busy and my mind occupied for the next 80 days. Also, one of the coolest people I know (also my colleague) is starting her IVF cycle and I am so so excited for her! Being excited for her helps take the edge off of all this. I am hopeful for her and I know it is going to work the first time 1st time! She is one of those people that you just know is going to be a great mom, that is how I know it is going to work for her. I just know.
My hope, that my number dumps a lot by Sunday, so that light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter and brighter!
My hope, that my number dumps a lot by Sunday, so that light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter and brighter!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Downside of anger
I have been great for over a week, but last night at 2 am, after over a week of being pain free, my side started hurting. I went to the clinic and all is clear, maybe it is just breaking down. The doc today saw the mass again and lining 14. The mass looked less like a sac, then the last time. Hopefully this pain means the #'s are dropping, but I have no clue.I also am just down. I never went back to sleep after 2am. This is not my day, I can't believe yesterday I was 100% and today, nowhere near that.
Hope, the 100's tomorrow.
On the brighter side I had to call the insurance lady at our work today and we were talking about infertility. She told me the story of how she went through all this 20-25 years ago. She ended up adopting two chidden. The second child was really given to her from her gynecologist who delivered a baby to a teen who could not keep it. the moral of the story was she said, you will get you baby, when it is your baby. All of this journey will seem like nothing, just a moment. She said it will all make sense one day. I believe her. She said she would pray for me. She said she remembered sitting in church and the homily was that God will give you whats in your heart. I believe that too.
Hope, the 100's tomorrow.
On the brighter side I had to call the insurance lady at our work today and we were talking about infertility. She told me the story of how she went through all this 20-25 years ago. She ended up adopting two chidden. The second child was really given to her from her gynecologist who delivered a baby to a teen who could not keep it. the moral of the story was she said, you will get you baby, when it is your baby. All of this journey will seem like nothing, just a moment. She said it will all make sense one day. I believe her. She said she would pray for me. She said she remembered sitting in church and the homily was that God will give you whats in your heart. I believe that too.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
WTF appointment
So, we saw the doctor. Who is very nice to talk to and only made us wait about 20 minutes. Here is what we learned
· That the chance of an ectopic is 1% in the general population and although there are studies that say there may be an increased risk with IVF, those are older studies, when they didn’t gauge how much air and pressure they used. Our doc said she watched the video and feels confident that they were resting comfortably when placed.
· She stated that if we HAD NOT done PGD she would probably have assumed there was something genetically abnormal about the embryos, because genetically abnormal embryos can sometimes wander. Since these were PGD’d she can say that is not the case here.
· She said there are studies that say embryos can float around for up to 24 hours after they are transferred—some studies have put video cameras in animals to find that out.
· She said that with a low beta that could have been an indicator of an ectopic, but they have to use cauton in making determinations (obviously)
· My DH said he was concerned if we transfer 2 embryos at the FET then one could end up ectopic and one could end up in utero. She said that is VERY VERY rare, but they have operated to remove the tube and save the in utero pregnancy in the past.
· She feels confident that there will most likely not be another ectopic, and just because these embryos didn’t work, doesn’t mean that the frozen embryos will not work.
· She said that one ectopic does not mean that my uterus has any problems. She did say she is going to do a quick biopsy in July just to make sure there are no underlying infections that could be making my uterus an unwelcoming place (she said this is really a precaution and she thinks she will find nothing).
· She guaranteed me that I would start bleeding sometime. She also said that the last few HCG’s have been consistently dropping and hopefully that continues on Friday. If it stagnates or increases another shot is going to happen Saturday. She said they don’t like to do Methotrexate and then surgery; they like to do one or the other. She thinks that it will not rupture (although she said anything is possible).
· She briefly described FET. Saying that we will try to do it naturally and link it up to my cycle. No prime cycle. It would be from the day I ovulate + 6 days that they would transfer.
· She said that the survival rate for our embryos is 95% (She said closer to 99%, but they report at 95%)--they will thaw them the day of the transfer. She said she wants to feel confident that the lining is good before she does the FET, so she will not hesitate to cancel if she is not sure the lining looks great. She doesn’t want to waste embryos.
· My lining has been increasing (a lot) it went from a 2 to a 14 in 2 days (and that was as of 1.5 weeks ago). She said that she wasn’t sure why that was happening, but when the HCG drops, bleeding will start. If the lining was thin she would think it was reabsorbing, but with a lining that is increasing, she expects to see bleeding. Again, she assured me I would bleed.
· I said that I didn’t think this number was going to be down until the end of July, she thinks that it will be dropping and I will have my period by the end of June.
· She believes whole-heartedly that only one embryo took and one did not.
I love the clinic/practice I go to. In general though, I feel there are no real answers. There are studies, but this is more of a sit around and wait scenario. I feel confident that we are in a good place. We learned we have good embryos, we learned that our embryo can implant and stick around. What I meant to ask and I didn’t was, what are the obstacles our embryos still face? What are the barriers that could hinder us from making it to live birth? Except, even when as write that I know there are a 1,000 answers, none of the answers is definitive. So, I guess it doesn’t matter.
One thing I have learned (I mean I intellectually knew this, but now I KNOW it)... we only know what we know and sometimes what we know is indicative of nothing. Next time, if I have a low beta or a high beta it doesn’t matter, because high could be good or bad and low could be good or bad. Even no beta, what does that mean, it just means that time didn’t work. It says nothing about the chances of the next set not working. I guess this is me finally realizing my lack of control in this and most things. I needed this lesson. I needed to know this…really believe and experience it. This whole process has been cathartic, for a host of reasons. With that said, I will always be sorry and carry a sadness that we won’t have our baby in December, that will always be true.
My hope for today---that our numbers are going down.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Monday....
When I woke up this AM with a cold coming on, I almost lost it. Depleted. I realized that I have not only manipulated my body, I have stripped it of immunities. What the hell have I done? Don't get me wrong. I want a baby, but maybe not like this. I just can't believe all of this. Why am I still in shock after all of this, how is it even possible that I ended up here?
My hope....the numbers are dropping.
My hope....the numbers are dropping.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Number...
217. This is going to take forever it seems. The good news for now is I have emotionally detached from the situation. Whatever happens happens. At this rate it could take 6 more weeks to get to 0 then at least 4 weeks to get my period. If that is the case..who cares that I have to wait 3 months after the shot. Nothing would happen until august anyway. As long as I don't need the shot again that is....
My hope, Dropping numbers please.
My hope, Dropping numbers please.
Friday, May 13, 2011
The new nothing...
Today I woke up with absolutely no pregnancy symptoms. Which shouldn't seem weird at all, since my current pregnancy is in HCG number only. It was just weird to have no cramps, or swelling or sore boobs. Nothing. It struck me though, this is me for now. I should be 10 weeks pregnant, but I am not. And that is that. Have you heard people say that a song you are singing or a quote that pops in your mind is a sign of your current state/subconscious. Today out of nowhere, I thought to myself, "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.". That pretty much sums it up. I feel bad seeming so whiny and complaining--I promise I am really actually pretty UP.
One of my infertile (PCOS) friends announced on FACEBOOK she was pregnant. When I pressed "like" she wrote on my wall that she wanted to tell me in person and was sorry she didn't. I am legitimately happy for her, for any infertile actually (and we all know every time I see a pregnant woman I assume she was at one time an IVF client). When I mentioned it to my friend she said, it's okay for you to not be happy for her. No it's not. I am dealing with infertility, that doesn't make me a witch. I mean, maybe sometimes but not really.
My hope, low numbers on Sunday AND naturally occurring pregnancies for all the couples dealing with infertility!!
One of my infertile (PCOS) friends announced on FACEBOOK she was pregnant. When I pressed "like" she wrote on my wall that she wanted to tell me in person and was sorry she didn't. I am legitimately happy for her, for any infertile actually (and we all know every time I see a pregnant woman I assume she was at one time an IVF client). When I mentioned it to my friend she said, it's okay for you to not be happy for her. No it's not. I am dealing with infertility, that doesn't make me a witch. I mean, maybe sometimes but not really.
My hope, low numbers on Sunday AND naturally occurring pregnancies for all the couples dealing with infertility!!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Not bad...
It is amazing how this whole process has really helped me lower my expectations and change my perspective on what is good news. I have had little side effects this round of Methotrexate. Does that mean it is working? Does that mean it is not working? I have no idea. I am just happy for and in every moment that I am not feeling badly. I go for blood work on Thursday and I have no expectation at all. If it goes up, well, they said that could happen. If it goes down, well, they said that could happen. I want this ectopic over. Much to my dismay as of right now, is I have no bleeding (still). Some of the docs have said it could just be absorbing back into my system, but I think we would all feel better if I saw something. I can't even bring myself to think about what happens if it doesn't work, what that means and entails---it is beyond me. I am not positive or negative. I am emotionally spent and really numb right now. One thing I am so happy about is since this round of Metho is not bad, if I need it again in the future (this time or for another ectopic) I can handle this.
My hope---this shot works and we can close this chapter in our IVF story.
My hope---this shot works and we can close this chapter in our IVF story.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Mothers day
Another holiday shit on...I had the shot today. The number went down to 303, but at this point they and we don't care. It was not signifigant so the shot had to be done. It has been 16 days since our last shot and the number is in basically the same place.It has moved up and down but not a lot. The doc today said some of it is probably dying, while other cells keep growing. He saw nothing on the ultrasound again. He talked about the problem with surgery, it could be like searching for a needle in a haystack, and they would do a D and C first to make sure it wasn't in the uterus growing abnormally. As far as the constant nagging pain on my right side. He said no significant changes in the pain should just be monitored, any changes give a call.
As of now the only hope i have is that i get to go to my mom's for Mothers Day without being terribly sick or uncomfortable.
I am taking a nap cause i slept about 45 minutes last night.
As of now the only hope i have is that i get to go to my mom's for Mothers Day without being terribly sick or uncomfortable.
I am taking a nap cause i slept about 45 minutes last night.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Don't count your chickens....
Went for my blood work this AM feeling 100%. No worries at all. Then the call came and I let it go to voice mail, assuming it was just routine. And then the phone rang again.Which couldn't be good. It went up. 320. SHOCK. I cannot believe this. Tomorrow AM I have STAT blood work again, a scan and then the shot. Now I don't even care about the shot. As bad as it was it wasn't this horror show. I don't care if my number is 85 tomorrow (haha) I am taking that shot. I asked the nurse since the 1st one didn't work why would the second. She gave me the same song and dance, that 90% of people are successful with Methotrexate, 80% of them with the first shot and then 7% fir the 2nd (and I guess there are people who go to the 3rd shot). I hope I am not going through all this just to have surgery in the end anyway. Of course, now I feel horrible again. Pain on my right side, blah blah blah. I went out and bought new deck furniture--didn't help. I thought I was at the end of my rope before---but this is absolutely ridiculous.
My hope--that the side effects are less horrible this time.
My hope--that the side effects are less horrible this time.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
The Tower of Terror
The horror. This has been horrible. The whole experience has been emotionally and physically exhausting. Here are my HCG's since I found out I was pregnant:
5/7/2011 320
I got the shot on 4/22! When I got the call on Friday that my number had dropped less than 15% and they weren't happy, they told me to return again on Monday 5/2. When I got the message that it went up!!! I couldn't believe it. Shock and Awe (again). They brought me in Monday for stat bloodwork in anticipation of my Tuesday repeat Methotrexate shot. Monday my DH called the doc and spoke with her and then the doc called me (which was very nice of her--remember I am in a BIG practice). Tuesday I had repeat bloodwork and the beta was in 360--A DROP! Thank GOD, literally. I was so happy. Then Tuesday night I started getting achy, at 4:30 AM on Wed morning I was puking my guts out--called the doc on call (sorry for the 4:30 am phone call). He said to take my nausea medication and he didn't think it was related. I couldn't get out of bed all day yesterday --cramps, a small fever, emotions going crazy and a migraine by the end of the day. When I woke up this AM, I felt better. Finally, like a new woman, I just think yesterday was one last push. Of course I still have 0 bleeding, but something must be going on. When they did the ultrasound today the doc couldn't see the mass, but did see a small amount of free fluid in the cavity, which I think means that the little sac is gone. He said it is could be breaking up, but it didn't just leave (whatever). I am in less pain, my right side feels a lot better. Every now and then a little something, but a 40 % drop is huge today! I am so happy. Sad, but happy. I can't believe that I would have been 9 weeks pregnant on Mothers Day and now I am hoping for this pregnancy hormone to be gone.
While I was waiting for this HCG to drop (although I had little faith on Tuesday am and was sure that another shot was going to happen). I started picturing things that go down, thermometers, hills, and then it hit me-The Tower of Terror at Universal Studios. The elevator that goes up and drops and up and drops. That is this. When I went to Disney this Dec, me my sister, brother and law and their 2 young children (8 and 9) got in line. We went through the little video and continued in line. When we were outside the elevator next to enter. I wanted OUT. Lucky me so did my 8 year olf nephew, we opted out. And we got to take a regular elevator to the exit of the ride. It was awesome. Couldn't have been happier to be off the ride line. I know that this number will end at the bottom, but opting out would be great.
My new mantra is, it's just a matter of time. Even the doc said she has faith in our frozen embryos (obviously strong from the fight that is going on inside my tube). It's just a matter of time until we have our baby. I can't imagine going through this again and there were a lot of times I have thought if I am not strong enough for this ectopic, how can I be strong enough for a pregnancy. But the other side of this is over the last few weeks when I thought I couldn't do this, couldn't get through it, I did. I have. I will. Part of me is happy (kinda) to be on hiatus until Aug/Sept. I think we need time to mourn our baby. And to recognize how strong we are as a couple. Which we are, my poor husband has seen me at my worst over the past few days, the bottom. He is truly the best. I will dedicate a wonder and amazement entry to him on a different day.
My hope for today--that we are nearing the end of this scary ride.
4/3/2011 | 24 |
4/5/2011 | 87.2 |
4/7/2011 | 289 |
4/9/2011 | 545 |
4/12/2011 | 1171 |
4/13/2011 | 1063 |
4/14/2011 | 586 |
4/15/2011 | 503 |
4/18/2011 | 332 |
4/22/2011 | 364 |
4/26/2011 | 500 |
4/29/2011 | 455 |
5/2/2011 | 487 |
5/3/2011 | 360 |
5/5/2011 | 216 |
I got the shot on 4/22! When I got the call on Friday that my number had dropped less than 15% and they weren't happy, they told me to return again on Monday 5/2. When I got the message that it went up!!! I couldn't believe it. Shock and Awe (again). They brought me in Monday for stat bloodwork in anticipation of my Tuesday repeat Methotrexate shot. Monday my DH called the doc and spoke with her and then the doc called me (which was very nice of her--remember I am in a BIG practice). Tuesday I had repeat bloodwork and the beta was in 360--A DROP! Thank GOD, literally. I was so happy. Then Tuesday night I started getting achy, at 4:30 AM on Wed morning I was puking my guts out--called the doc on call (sorry for the 4:30 am phone call). He said to take my nausea medication and he didn't think it was related. I couldn't get out of bed all day yesterday --cramps, a small fever, emotions going crazy and a migraine by the end of the day. When I woke up this AM, I felt better. Finally, like a new woman, I just think yesterday was one last push. Of course I still have 0 bleeding, but something must be going on. When they did the ultrasound today the doc couldn't see the mass, but did see a small amount of free fluid in the cavity, which I think means that the little sac is gone. He said it is could be breaking up, but it didn't just leave (whatever). I am in less pain, my right side feels a lot better. Every now and then a little something, but a 40 % drop is huge today! I am so happy. Sad, but happy. I can't believe that I would have been 9 weeks pregnant on Mothers Day and now I am hoping for this pregnancy hormone to be gone.
While I was waiting for this HCG to drop (although I had little faith on Tuesday am and was sure that another shot was going to happen). I started picturing things that go down, thermometers, hills, and then it hit me-The Tower of Terror at Universal Studios. The elevator that goes up and drops and up and drops. That is this. When I went to Disney this Dec, me my sister, brother and law and their 2 young children (8 and 9) got in line. We went through the little video and continued in line. When we were outside the elevator next to enter. I wanted OUT. Lucky me so did my 8 year olf nephew, we opted out. And we got to take a regular elevator to the exit of the ride. It was awesome. Couldn't have been happier to be off the ride line. I know that this number will end at the bottom, but opting out would be great.
My new mantra is, it's just a matter of time. Even the doc said she has faith in our frozen embryos (obviously strong from the fight that is going on inside my tube). It's just a matter of time until we have our baby. I can't imagine going through this again and there were a lot of times I have thought if I am not strong enough for this ectopic, how can I be strong enough for a pregnancy. But the other side of this is over the last few weeks when I thought I couldn't do this, couldn't get through it, I did. I have. I will. Part of me is happy (kinda) to be on hiatus until Aug/Sept. I think we need time to mourn our baby. And to recognize how strong we are as a couple. Which we are, my poor husband has seen me at my worst over the past few days, the bottom. He is truly the best. I will dedicate a wonder and amazement entry to him on a different day.
My hope for today--that we are nearing the end of this scary ride.
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