Supernanny

I love the show Supernanny. I have no idea what about it I love so much. I swear I end up in tears most of the time. When the mother successfully does the seperation anxiety technique, or the child sits in the time out chair, or the couple start to work together as a team. I know it seems that I get tearful because of the in-fertility issue. The truth is it is more a happy and proud kind of tearing up, which I guess is the social worker in me. Being proud of people for attaining their goals. I've never mentioned this, but my DH sleeps, a lot. He gives too much of himself at work and when he comes home he has nothing left and falls asleep. SOmetime he will do some housework/lawnwork first, but mostly, he just sleeps. He got tested and he has Epstein Barr, but I think that is really only part of the problem. Truly, I think he gets himself wound up at work, sits in traffic over an hour both ways on his commute and is too tired for life. Also, he hurt his back so last night he took medication that made him go to sleep even earlier (7:30!!!). I have always joked that I could have a totally different life after 8:00 and he wouldn't even know it. I could go out leave, be back by 5am and he wouldn't even know it. He is also a HEAVY sleeper.

So, there I was sitting there at 8PM watching Supernanny (It is always on the STYLE network). And I had a thought. I have spent so much time and given myself so many reasons why  God won't give me a baby ---I should blog about them one at a time--I could blog forever. All self-depricating and self protective rationalizations of a cold hard fact---NO BABY. I never thought that maybe it is not me that GOd won;t give a baby to. It is us. How would I do it, alone? My husband will continue to sleep. It is what it is. Not that he won't want to help, I really don't know if he would be able to help. SO #325 why GOD WON'T GIVE US a BABY---Sleepiness.

While watching Supernanny they kept playing commercials for Guiliana and Bill, the episode is coming Monday where, during their 'year of fun' Guilianna sounds interested in trying again and Bill thinks they are on a break so he is confused. My DH is done I think. Done with the idea of IVF, of babies, of never golfing on the weekend because he has to take care of a child=DONE. I can't say I blame him. And I can't say that I disagree with him. It should be an interesting conversation if/when it happens. I am interested to see how Guilianna and Bill's goes now too.

My hope for today---I can't think of one. So I will go with --a resoultion to the National Debt Crisis that doesn't include making me pay more money to just live and work.

Vacation

I go on vacation in 17 days. I almost wrote 3 weeks, but it is 17 days! I really want to be on vacation although I don't want it to fly by either---2 weeks on vacation. I am excited.

That is all I really have to say. Still not thinking about infertility, except to say that I am not interested in putting my poor body in any more distress than it has been the last few months. I can remember I kept thinking, "what have we done to my poor body?". This is the body that I gave up smoking for and the body I try not fill with junk (I TRY!). But pouring in the hormones and then pouring in the chemicals--- that was not something I ever want to do again. If it was just an FET and I could garuntee no extopic I might do it, because the chemicals for an FET are minimal to none. I don't care what my docs say, I do think that there is an increase chance of ectopic now that I have had one. There is some clincial evidenct that points in that direction. I know I could live through it again and maybe it would be easier the second time since I know the drill, but there would absolutely be no 3rd time. I told someone I wasn't planning to try with our frozen embryos and they said, of course you will. Of course I will? Really? Thanks for that.


My hope for today---I hope I can find a Genie bottle with 3 wishes (I promise I will make one World Peace and a fixed economy--although that would be 2 I guess...and I am only willing to give up one).

Funny

Look what I found...

http://www.thinkgeek.com/geek-kids/newborn-infant/e74b/
It says 'Made with Love'..and science'. Does this apply for all babies? Or just IVF babies? Or is this some evolution vs. creation argument played out in a baby onesie?  Which I have to say is something that seems to happen a lot! Political beliefs? Put it on a baby onesie. Believe in Existentialism? There's a onesie for that. Like Vampire movies--well give your kid this....



No wonder children rebel so much! If they didn't would their parents dress them like billboards for their parents personalities/beliefs for their entire lives?

I don't want to sound like I don't agree with doing this--some of these baby billboards are hysterical! Like this one...
(which, is actually sold out, so I can't be the only one that LOL'd to it)

My hope for today--some less heat please...

Survival of the fittest..

First let me say that I have read some old blogs and how terrible is my spelling, grammar and sentence structure?  It is not all my fault, just most of it. I write like I talk, which is a problem apparently. And typing on the Ipad, is a horrible idea, it lends itself to mistakes and lack of captializing. If anyone actually followed my blog, I would apoligize, but since I think it is just me and the universe, I can deal with my own short-comings.

The other day I was driving in the car with my husband and he was talking about survival of the fittest. And then it hit me. Are we being weeded out? Since we can't conceieve, are we being evolved right by? Again, if anyone read this blog they may find the thought controversial, but it really rang true for me and it has stuck with me.

 I am a million years away from wanting a child right now. I don't know if it is the trauma of the ectopic (not too strong of a word, trauma). Or if I am convincing myself in a protection strategy--it doesn't feel like that though. For years and years (up until we started fertility realizations 2.5 years ago) I never wanted children, openly I would say it, and often. My husband married me with the intention of probably never having kids. I often thought the universe heard me and that is why he gave us the infertility struggle, a be careful what you wish for type situation. I think I am that person again. Just settiling back in to the way I was, the way I envisioned my life. I do have to ask myself, where did all that wanting go? The excitement and hopefulness just disappeared?


Evolution, who would have thought....


My hope for today, more of the same....

Period.

I finally figured out why they call it your period. It marks a ending. I had day one on Tuesday night. I called my nurse, just to say, hey, i know i can't do anything, but I wanted to keep you in the loop. I have never been so happy to get my period before. For a while I was convinced that I would never get my period again. We really don't know what we are going to do. We really are debating if being parents is what we are being called to do. We don't need to make that decision now, so for now, we are at the end of the road with this journey. The real end, which direction we go in next, who knows?

My hope, that today is a day that is just calm.