Thankful

Of course I am so thankful this year for baby H. She is absolutely the love of my life. I am truly blessed. I am = thankful for a million things --way too many to list.

Thanksgiving my mind went to all the women out there still waiting on their babies. I said a prayer in church and asked them all to hurry up to their waiting mommy's. I believe they are there in wait. I am steadfast in my belief that all people who want babies should have them. Those women are never far from my mind, ever.

Check out this movie if you haven't --not great, but it has a part that reminds me of babies in waiting.

"The only thing stronger than fear is hope"
    - The Hunger Games


The role hope plays in infertility cannot be underestimated. It seems like I was either full of hope or lacking it completely. Hope for me was like my pilot light. Always inside of me. Even when I wanted to believe it was gone. It was always there. If we had never had a baby I would have always carried it around with me. Even when I turned 100--it would have burned! I hate infertility. I wish that every person who wanted  baby could have one. I think hope is inevitable in the mind of a person facing infertility. I think it is stronger than doubt. To me hope is what keeps me going everyday. The hope that tomorrow will be better than today, my hope that I will be better everyday. And my hope that everyone who wants a baby--will have one.


"..but as for me, I will always have hope".
-Psalm 71:14

Hope springs eternal....

Baby H is a girl!  A precious little girl born on 7/6/12 @ 1:54 PM. She weighed 8 lbs 4 oz. I had a wonderful delivery via C section and the recovery was really not bad at all. Tomorrow she will be 4 weeks old! I cannot believe that. I have loved spending every day with her--even the last few nights when she has had horrible gas (HEARTBREAKING to see her struggling). I absolutely am in love with her. The second I saw her. Love. She is who I have been waiting for my whole life and now I cannot imagine my life without her.

I have to say not a day goes by that I don't think of the journey we have been on together. I look at her and I say--see those toes---we made those toes--you and me baby! We did that. Even if the clinic did most of the stuff we couldn't do. The 39 weeks she was inside me (since she was a week late)--that was all Baby H and me. Everyday I thank God for her and everyday I say a prayer for all the women out there who are still holding on to hope.


Welcome to the world little girl!

The final countdown

So we have our c section tomorrow at 11:30. We are due at the hospital at 9:30. I am not allowed to eat after midnight so I am going to eat at 11:55. I am so afraid of having a migraine. Like a morphine shot in the back, being sliced open, being numb for hours and a baby isn't scary enough! I wonder if fertiles feel this way the night before their scheduled c sections? I just have been so protective of my feelings for then last 41 weeks I am still not letting myself get too excited. Which is absolutely crazy. I mean there is a real baby in there and it is coming out! I am sure that any emotion at this point is deemed normal. which is good because I have a bunch of them. Part of me wishes we could have done this naturally so the recovery would be easier. There are not many times in your life that you are standing on the brink of something that will change your life forever and ever. Your wedding day, the day you have your first child (and other children) ...and that is really all I can think of.It is totally surreal and hard to comprehend what happens tomorrow. Welcome to the world duck butt! We have been waiting a long time for you and we cannot wait to meet you! I hope you have a safe entry and are healthy. We promise to be the best parents we can be!

Due date

And I just dont get the sense this baby wants to come out yet. We went to the doctor on Wed and he said have an ultrasound Monday and then we would decide next steps. If the baby is big (about 8.5) we would go right to c section otherwise we would induce and see what happens. I was fine with Monday, but when I called to schedule the ultrasound i found out the doc is going to be out Monday. So, our appt is Tuesday at 3!!! Which means we could be looking at 7/4. Does that mean there will be a skeleton crew on? Because I am way too high maintenance for that. July 4th does mean that we will always have our child's birthday off. I feel good though. It's a waiting game now...who knows...the baby might come on it's own??? We either have a fashionable late girl or a stubborn late boy on our hands.

Nesting is for the birds

Again, I am sure one day I will say that pregnancy went so quickly. But as of today, not so much. I don't feel uncomfortable (knock on wood). The baby feels very high and no pressure low in my uterus at all.

 My nesting impulse has kicked in and you have no idea how much I have cleaned. My poor husband. I told him our only priority is cleaning. I live in a doll house so you would think this would be easy, but I have found places I didn't even know could have dust--with dust--and a decent amount of it. I blame my dog for the dust and  for the insides of all his toys spewed all over the place. My husband and I are taking it one room at a time and then I am calling cleaning people in. Last night was our bedroom and tonight is the bathroom--wish us luck!  Nesting is like hell--because I want to stop--but I can't. Although I was so proud of us for all the work we did. I actually used a tooth brush to clean crevices. It was ugly.
I know however I leave my house when I go to the hospital--is how it will look until my child is 12.

This is my last week at work too. I have such mixed feelings because I absolutely love (most of) the people I work with, and I feel like the next months revolve around staying home and either being incapable of doing things or not be allowed to do things. People can say, oh bring your baby--no way! Until the baby is past it's shots---no way am I bringing it out in public--NO WAY.

Ultrasound is Thursday at 9 and I have the doctor on Friday and that is when we will prbably schedule the c-section. Although I am still torn about doing it naturally--just so the recovery is easier.

And my feet swelled for real for the first time last night!!! EEK.

36+ 5 days

I almost want to figure out how many days post 6 day transfer I am at to make that the title of this post.

When I went to the doc last week, he said I would still be pregnant in a week--after a kind of painful (who knew) cervix check. I thought he was just supposed to look in and see what was going on. He said that text book with a polyp does not mean I have to have a C Section- that I could deliver vaginally and if I start bleeding--than I could switch to C section. Not just the risk of bleeding to death, but also the idea of doing both a c section and labor=seem horrible. He said he could make an argument for either. Neither one seems appealing.

And then in the midst of everything--I just read something that said my bag for the baby should be packed! I had totally not even thought about that since I know the hospital gives you everything you need--but OF COURSE my baby needs a bag with swaddling blankets and burp clothes--How could I have totally not remembered that?

I had my first hot flash today and the baby was digging into my side--it seems to have moved now. Although the drinking water trick didn't seem to work--the eating ice cream trick did seem to work.  The baby doesn't seem like it has dropped at all, but moving a bunch--and last night it made one movement that made me bend over in pain. I do have this thought that the baby might have bow legs because I feel like the baby sits head down, face forward with one knee on either side of my belly button. Also, I think the baby might have a unicorn horn that he/she is intermittenly stabbing me with. We will see.

Ultrasound at 38 weeks. That is a week from this Friday, we will be able to see the baby again! I feel like I have been pregnant for years and years. You know how people say they can't remember a time when they didn't have children. Well, I can barely remember not being pregnant.

What a long, strange trip it's been...

I know I am not at the end yet, but I must say it has been a real trip getting this far in my pregnancy. I just sat back in my chair at work and the baby had the hiccups and was moving around making my stomach move back and forth--and I thought--I am going to miss carrying you around little person.

I was at Quick Check today and the woman in front of me started talking to me about pregnancy--how the last 3 months are so uncomfortable; you can't sleep (although I am doing okay so far), and how people try to scare you--when they say your life is going to completely change. She has a 4 year old and she said her life didn't completely change---I mean I am not expert but I felt like saying, 'are you sure you are doing it right?' I dont' love change, but I am pretty sure our baby is going to change things--like--a lot!

I am packing my bag for the hospital this weekend and sending in my registration paperwork to the hospital today. We have out breast feeding class next Wed and then we are going to consider ourselves prepared. Except completing leave paperwork is like an exercise in futility!

Oh, except that our nursery still needs touch up paint and the crib is supposed to arrive today (after being returned for having a mark on it).

Not to mention my 'Honey Do List' is pretty long---and getting longer!

33 Weeks

Here I am at 33 weeks. Had an OB appt today and in talking with the doc (mind you, my doc NEVER does C sections--I mean he does them--but he lets people try first 9 lbs/10lb babies--try). He said that because this polyp is on my cervix and most likely has a blood supply going to it (and is the length of my cervix) he said we might end up with a C section. Because apparently at any given time when you are not pregnant about 60% of your blood supply goes to your brain, but when you are pregnant a majority of your blood goes to the baby. Not to mention your veins like double in size in your uterus and hence, have more blood flow--so bleeding becomes a serious concern. A vaginal delievery, I would imagine, increases the chances that this polyp could start to bleed (and not stop). Of course this kinda makes me nervous that it might start bleeding before I am in a hospital (and only stops because the patient (me) dies). The C Section,  although it is major abdominal surgery, is more appealing to me than a vaginal birth. My doc said he would send me for a 38 week ultrasound (June 15th) and then he would know what the polyp is doing.

The thing is, and I have posted this before, this is not a new polyp. Did my fertility clinic not think it would be a good idea to do a D &C and remove it at the root--(when I wasn't pregnant and bleeding would not an issue)? Or how about just do an ultraound to see how deep it was--since they were ALWAYS in their looking at stuff anyway. My doctor seemed disapppointed that they did not remove it prior to IVF/FET (and prbably IUI's for that matter).

On a different note, I found out that someone I know went for her 9 week u/s and the baby didn't have a heartbeat and was measuring 6 weeks. The worst part is they want it to pass on it's own, and if it doesn't in 10 days then she will have the D&C. I feel so horrible. Not that I know how she feels, but that she has to go through this at all. I feel so sad for her experience today and the lasting effect this will have on her.

Even on my way to the doctor today I always have this impending sense of fear. I feel baby move a lot and I still am on guard when a doppler or ultrasound wand is close. But that is because I am prepared for the worst. People who just walk into their OB/GYN offices waiting to hear good news--they aren't expecting the worst---and they will never be able to be that naive again. There is an innocent that is lost in me and that I have heard form my felllow infertiles and women with recurrent loss.

I will never know what pregnancy would have been like without the saddnesss of disappointment or the fear of the worst hovering over me. And that makes me sad. Maybe one day it won't matter, but today is not that day. Not the weekend of Mother's Day--when last year I was sitting in the fertility clinic trying another Methotrexate shot and continually paranoid about a rupture AND sad about the forced (and necessary) loss of my pregnancy.

Having a moment

On Friday night I had a (very) mini break down. I felt really uncomfortable and just unhappy and probably more scared and anxiety filled than anything else. I prayed and thought maybe God could help me get out of my funk--because I wasn't doing a very good job. Saturday morning I went to get my nails done and there was a long line that I didn't have time or patience to wait in so I went to the shoe store---and who did I see? Nurse Jackie (also known as my nurse from the fertility clinic). I couldn't believe it--a chance encounter that seemed like an answer to my prayers. It was like God was saying--

Jenn, are you serious? You are going to be depreseed? Remember how badly you want this? Your shower is today and a year ago this time (Mother's Day) you were getting another Methotrexate shot. Look at how far you have  come and all you have to be thankful for---snap out of it.

So, I snapped out of it. I cried a little and thanked God alot. Then I felt better.

The shower was perfect and beautiful and all of the supportive people in my life were there. The baby got tons of wonferful gifts. It was really a fabulous day I couldn't have asked for anything better. Having the baby's things in the house and starting to paint the nursery has calmed my anxiety a little too.

We have our infant CPR class tonight for 4 hours---what takes that long I am not sure--but this is the class my husband is adament about taking and I think it is important too (of course).

32 Weeks Tomorrow

..and I maintain my title for a lax blogger. And I have no real excuse either. Things have been going along. Last week I had some spotting so I went in and the doc sent me for an ultrasound AND took a culture. The ultrasound was unreal. It was 3-D and I just couldn't believe it--for some reason I was expecting to see what we always see on ultrasounds--bones and things--but there is a REAL baby in there. And the baby is adorable. I do think it looks like a boy, but we will find out soon enough--56 days.

The ultrasound came back fine--no placenta previa--only a polyp at the opening of my cervix which the doctor will remove at delivery if it is pushed out. The doctor (my OB, not an RE ---keep in mind) said that could be the reason for my infertility. This isn't the first polyp I have had (its actually the same one, but the top has been cut off several times) last May and in Sept at my clinic they removed (cut) the same polyp. And at my last OB appt for a pap smear they cut it. It doesn't hurt or anything and it has no symptomology--the cause isn't really anything. The best reason I got is some people have more polys than others--it's the equivalent of a skin tag--but if it is not taken at the root it just keeps coming back. I really wonder if it was a road block on my fertility struggle---although it couldn't be that easy of an explination, right?

And the culture came back that I have an infection and a yeast infection (neither of which I have any symptoms of) so I have to take antibiotics--the scary thing is I am so so afraid now that the baby will get/or has an infection. I have read too much about baby's passing in the birth canal with an infection in mom and ending up with Menningitis--I know I am catastrophizing. They are going to test again at 36 weeks to see if it is gone. So until then, I am praticing my lack of control and putting it out of my mind. Also interesting though is back in Sept I had to hold of on my FET because of an infection --endometritis. At the time my RE said it probably meant nothing and was not the cause for alarm, but since they found it, they would treat it.

The baby is a true wiggle worm--moves like a wild one--keeps me up at night wiggling! I am in no rush for my pregnancy to be over (yet). I have had some great advice from people--one man came up to me the other day and said, 'you know, I can't remember a time when I wasn't a dad'. That is probably the one thing that I am (most) excited for and scares me to death.  We are on the brink of this new chapter in our lives and the old chapter closes now---I imagine we will see glimpses of this life--but this is a true gamechanger.

My shower is Saturday and I can't wait to see what the baby gets! Although again, equal parts fear and excitement.

Easter

Tomorrow is Easter. I know this will sound whiny and ungrateful, but I have never believed in not learning from life. The day before Easter last year was my first methotrexate shot. Which was followed by nausea and one of the worst headaches of my life. Easter I called my doctor who gave me something for the nausea and gave me the okay to take my migraine medication--which helped a little, but not enough to save Easter. And to be honest, my husband spent most of the day watching golf--so I laid in bed alone, miserable and horribly emotional.  I cannot believe that was a year ago. A million miles away from where we are now....expecting our baby.

It still makes me sad and I still have no idea how I got through it---Easter was my first methotrexate shot and my 3rd shot was Mothers Day. I wonder sometimes what it would have been like to get pregnant naturally--I imagine a pregnancy that would have been organic and filled with excitement--instead of riddled with fear and the unknown.

I know this may seem insensitive, but it would be worse if I just went ahead and pretended one of our pregnancies didn't ended in a horrible and fear filled time.

Although we have come very far---and I feel absolutely blessed and believe that our baby is a miracle---there is a space in my heart for the baby that never was---

Whoa!!

Last night I had a migraine--whatever. Then all was better this AM and then this afternoon at 5 PM I was sitting at my desk and talking to one of the staff I work with and the room started spinning--so much so I actually had to hold on to my desk to keep myself sitting. It hasn't happened since, but I am totally freaked out by it. I have read online it could be diabetes, low blood pressure, high pressure, anemia, etc etc--who cares I am totally freaked that it is going to happen again when I am driving or something! WTF. I have my diabetic test next Friday and it is not high blood pressure because I test it at home. I am going to make sure they do the iron test when they do the diabetic test too.

I was going along fine and then another symptom..and I am sure there are more to come.

My one year anniversay...

March 20th--the anniversary of our retrieval. It is so different from this vantage point--if I had only known then what I know now it would have saved me a lot of ---feelings. For better or worse. I have grown so so  much over the past year and now that my future is filled with learning experiences based in child-rearing-- I hope I am able to  rise to the occasion. I am blessed to have  a husband who is a partner--even if he did try to get me to sign a contract that said he only had to change 10% of the diapers. I know that I couldn't do this alone--I mean I guess anything is possible--but I would rather not.

My tummy is so big now I am convinced I am having a toddler! I have my dr appt on Friday and I don't think he is going to be happy with the weight gain--and then I have to scheudle my gestational diabetes test--which I am kind of nervous about.

I bought an at home blood pressure machine to put my mind at ease about preecalmpsyia---my BP is normally low and that is what the at home meter said--when my husband checked his--it was high--like 140/90---so we went to the pharmacy to pick up a script  (not for BP) and we used the machine there and again mine was low and his was high--he checked it again this AM and it went down (a little). So my peace e of mind turned into something not so peaceful for him---

Baby is moving around and my shower invites are out--which makes me nervous about my registry--so overwhelming!

Shredding

I was cleaning out our medicine closet --in which I keep every medication and every Rx handout I have ever gotten. I am big on going to the doctor, but not big on taking the medication they prescribe. Which left me with a bunch old Rx paperwork and pills to flush. Then I have this whole section of INFERTILITY medication. And needles and syringes. And a lot of paperwork...All of it will expire before we would ever think of another FET--so, it's destiny is to be shredded. I put all the paperwork in a big bag and brought it to work to shred. In the bottom  of the box I found the ID bracelet from my FET on 3/20/11---and I thought--SHRED! I don't need to keep the memories I thought would end up in my baby's memory book, but ended in the heartbreak of an ectpoic. SHRED!

As I was standing at the shredder---I finished what I thought was my last piece of paper to shred and there it was at the bottom of the bag glarring at me. The ID bracelet. Which made me think again---and then it clicked. 3/20/11 wasn't just the day that the egg that ended up the embryo that ended up ectopic was  retrieved. It was the day the egg that made the baby that kicks me at night and craves Special K at 3 am was retrieved. It could end up being the day that all our children were retrieved--and it is with that perspective that the bracelet got promoted from SHRED to baby book---where it was destined to be, eventhough I couldn't see it that way (for a while)....

Pressure

Today (and yesterday) I had what I think is round ligament pain and the baby must have moved lower because I feel a bunch of pelvis pressure on and off. The baby is moving around a bunch though so that makes me happy. When I got to work I started to feel light headed so I decided to come home and work from home/take a sick day. It might have just been anxiety making me light-headed, who knows. I do think all these hormomes relaxing my muscles could be playing a role.

I watched the end of one episode of BABY STORY--I have not been doing this--for years, for infertility reasons and now because I don't need to see people in pain pushing babies out--no thanks! When the woman got to the end of her laboring I had an automatic crying response. Not that I was sad, but really I couldn't control it. It was an odd sensation--very odd.

Today one of the people above me at work wrote a snitty email to me--and it usually would make me so infuriated--but I have to tell you, I don't care anymore--I can feel my priorities already changing. I was literally like--whatever--this is your issue not mine. I have other things to worry about--like is that pain on the right side of my pelvis round ligament pain or a foot.

...and it felt really  good.

I have been letting myself get excited about meeting baby. My registry is still overwhelming. And I still worry at times that something will happen to our baby--but not as often and not as intensly.

So excited!

My friend had her twins last night and they look absolutely precious! I am so happy her for and I am sure she is so excited (mixed with 100+ other emotions). Anyway, I can't wait to meet them!!

Her having her babies made this all the more real. We are at 22 weeks and 3 days---so past our half way point, but I am in no rush to get to the end. I am really excited to meet our baby, but I know once we have our baby everything will be changed=so I am okay in this holding pattern. Taking it one day at a time--dealing with headaches on an off, backaches here and there--and a bad mood a lot??? (or people tell me--I feel fine personally).

Fellow Infertiles

Lots of the blogs that I follow have been getting great news about being pregnant and I am so happy for all of them--all of us. It brings me back to that place where we were in the beginning of this pregnancy and since then on and off. That place of unsure and not being too excited---or really believing that there is a baby coming. It's important for me to always keep my fellow infertiles close to my mind and heart because I never want to forget how lucky we are and how much we have been through--our resilience, perseverance and untiring determination.

I keep thinking I will call my nurse at the clinic (she had told me she was excited to hear updates) and update her---and thank her and the clinic---but I don't because I just can't jinx things.

Going along...

Things seem good, I am beginning to think a lot of thee headaches are due to relaxin. I have neck pain a lot and usually wake up with a headache that nags all day. Or maybe it is sinuses because now I am convinced I have a cavity but it may really be my sinuses. The most annoying thing right now is these eye floaters, which again could be sealing eye muscles...the eye doc said not to worry unless they get worse. I do have my monthly OB appt Friday so I will menion it.

They say that our baby is getting into his/her sleep patterns now, which is not great because I wake up every night at 3 and stay up tip 4 or 5!!! Eek.

Worst Blogger Award

I had just started to feel good--for the last two weeks and then yesterday I woke up toppled over in pain--I thought maybe it was gas so I walked around for like 45 minutes--but no real relief--I decided to go to the ER--and there they did an ultrasound to see if it was my appendix (no ultrasound on the baby, but the heartbeat was 130)---but it wasn't my appendix---GOD IS GOOD! But I still had the pain--after 4 hours they discharged me saying it was round ligament pain--It got worse but then this AM--after sleeping on a 90 degree angle on my side, with a heating pack and a big pillow between my knees---it seems to have calmed down--But the fear it could come back is still strong. I mean, I thought when people talked about Round ligament pain they were talking about a little stretching, not someone stabbing you in the belly button and dragging the knife to your right side!!!

20 weeks tomorrow---It is so odd for me to think that last March this baby was made---after my egg retrieval, this baby was 1/21 eggs ---and now is on it's way to being a baby. Our baby. We have our 20 week ultrasound on Monday and so far I am pretty calm although I am sure subconsciously I am freaking out. My one big hope (besides the baby being on track growth wise) is that the ultrasound tech doesn't slip and let us see the sex of the baby--it really is important to us to be suprised--I am sure though that they have done it a million times and never accidentally exposed anything.

The baby moves a little now, not all the time, but enough to remind me it is there--I am sure it is actually moving a lot, but I just feel it a little. My husband has felt it too--I think it freaks him out a little --but it freaks me out a lot, so I guess we are a good balance!

Out of Place

All the blogs I follow are about infertility. Now I am starting to feel like I don't belong anymore. I will never consider my DH and I as a couple, fertile, but can I really consider us infertile? Perhaps the memories of the clinic and the ectopic are keeping me too tentative. I changed my planner/calendar today and every year at this timeI thumb through the pages of the previous year to make sure that there are no bussiness cards or numbers I may need to transfer over. And there they were--the ectopic numbers --highlighted (why I highlighted???) --on basically every other day--there they were---up and down. I realize that I can't hang on to them anymore. Not if I want the baby that we have growing to feel entirely welcomed. I don't belong back there in that mind space. It has stopped me from being excited and kept me freaked the first 12 weeks of this pregnency. It's over. I am going to file it away with my planner from 2011.

Every year I write a letter to the previous year---here is my letter to 2011.....

Dear 2011

Last year I looked forward to you, since your predecessor was easily and happily excused. But some days it felt like you would never end and I wished I had never looked forward to you. You tried to steal my hope almost successfully. You tried to steal my spirit, but lost. 2011, I harbor no resentments because you have taught me, through experience, the 'sweet is not so sweet without the sour'.

Forlorn at times, but ending better than where we started. I bid you farewell 2011, it is with fear and happiness I know I will revisit you often to remind me of my resilience.

Warm regards:
U know who


PS 2012, None of this is intended to be a dare....

Just when you think...

Your headache is gone (like on Tuesday) and I was so so so happy--it came back with a vengeance yesterday. If death had knocked on the door in the middle of the headache I would have at least heard his offer. It was so horrible. I ended up calling my OB for medication which he assured me was safe and he has prescribed for years and years. SInce the babies organs are formed this is a safer time than the first trimester. No headache today, but I was extremely tired this AM. So, I slept in a little bit before coming to work.

 I said outloud today that I am 15 weeks pregnant (tomorrow)---which seemed like a lot---double digits and all, which made it seem all the more real (as if the headache wasn't enough of a reminder). Soon I should feel the baby move---and if that ultrasound is an indicator of how much our baby likes to move--I think once I feel him/her, he/she is not going to stop moving. That is probably a good thing for a neurotic like me.

Just wanted to check in since I have been such a lack blogger---and when you live through a migraine like that--you want to document it--if for no other reason to remind myself--I am a strong woman! Even if I cry through the whole thing!

First Trimester Fog

So, I have not blogged in forever. I have been in nausea and headache land on and off--today is the first time I have been headache free in a week and I am SO happy! The baby seems fine, we had our 12 week ultrasound and the baby was crazy!! Flipping around and making involuntary jolts, putting his/her hands up. I was just in awe of the whole thing. The whole time I just kept saying "this is crazy" over and over again.

I also had spotting for a while--but when I stopped the Endometrin at the 12 week marks it stopped--which has been a huge relief. Now, if I have a pain or feel something weird--I just tell myself if there is no blood, then I am not going to worry---even if there is blood there is little to be done. After my 12 week ultrasound a lot of the fear of losing the baby lifted and/or the idea that I have no control over what happens settled in and/or my symptoms have escalated and I have had less time to worry.

Then we had our dr's appt on Friday (12/30) to discuss migraines (having the worst headache of my life on wed (12/28) night). She said I could take percocet (which I refuse to do), especially since she said it just might take the edge off. The rest of the week was mostly sinus headaches so my mood fluctuated with my pain. It has been a really uncomfortable experience--but it makes me appreciate when I feel better so much more!

I still am blessed, I just don't always feel blessed when I am in pain and immobile or cancelling plans based on my mood/pain level. I truly do hope my 2nd trimester brings me relief.