You can't go home again

--or back to you fertility clinic. It turns out I am an infertile-infertile. I had two FET's -one in Sept and one in October. One more horrifying than the next. You can't even imagine. The catheter--wouldn't go in. After cath checks that went fine. After the second transfer in October (in which they had to bring in another doctor and the poor embryo was in and out of it's incubator 3 times)--I had my WTF appointment. And the truth is--they don't know. Not too surprising at all. They wanted me to have my cervix dilated, scraped and tested to break up scar tissue if there is any. Although their running thought now is that my cervix is (for some unknown reason) going into spasm--ummm--I don't buy it. I bet it is scar tissue. They put me on BCP's and set the apt for the surgery for January 14th--and I couldn't do it. I called and left a message to cancel.

And for some reason, I am unsure why--the need and desire to be a parent for the second time is gone. I love baby H with my whole being and I wish that she could have a sibling for her. So that she is not smothered by me and always has someone else who knows what it is like to have me as a mother--someone to give her a kidney if she needs it or to be a surrogate (baring a sister).

I thought maybe it was a sign that I shouldn't be a mother of 2--I should be happy to be a mother of 1. Maybe I would be a horrible parent to 2 people. For now I am at total peace with the decision. Even reading my fellow bloggers--it didn't make me want to go back--Peace with my fertility--it has been a long time since that has been the case. Longer than I can remember. It feels good.

I just stopped by to catch up.