Today I was talking about President Bush and realized, twins, fraternal, fertility. I googled it and sure enough she (Laura) has talked about in her book, in this truly stunning way. Brought me to tears...
"The English language lacks the words to mourn an absence. For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend, we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful some not. Still we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only “I’m sorry for your loss.” But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"
I love it. It encapsulated infertility for me.
I am a 35 (almost 36) year old with a supportive and loving husband and one fabulous golden fur-baby! After many failed IUI's and a fresh IVF cycle ending in ectopic---We had a successful FET. 40 weeks of disbelief later we are parents to a beautiful baby girl--every moment I spend with our baby reminds me of how blessed and lucky we are. ...read at your own risk. Of course not one thing I write is meant to offend or upset anyone.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Grace
The past few days I have been watching tons of Desperate Housewives. I love to watch tv shows back to back and I have Netflix delivered to my Apple TV so it is so easy to have this addiciton. I never wacthed it before but I am all the way at Season 6--going to be ready for Season 8 (The final season to start the end of September). Anyway, I watch it all night and after my husband falls asleep. Well, two nights ago I was watching this episode about the Handy Man and I couldn't stop crying--I was going to blame the Doxycycline (but who blames an antibiotic for tearfulness?). Not depressed, not even sad---crying. A lot. This happened to me a lot when I was watching Sex and the City too. So, I am not sure that this is about fertility. Don't get me wrong it has been a tough year filled with challenges (and good things too). I feel somewhat traumatized by the whole year, but the explosion of crying, is odd.
I am spiritual/religious. I listen to sermons from St Peter's Episcopal Church 's website--I am not Episcopal, but I think deep down I might be....I really enjoy listening to Rev Janet Broderick speak http://www.stpetersmorristown.org/worship/sermons. She speaks about real life. On Mother's Day 2011--she sings the cutest song ever. She addresses the idea male/female God/Jesus. She repeats a quote, "In the womb of the mother is the wisdom of the father"--which kind of settles it. For without a woman, there would be no Son of Man. It's an important role. Even Jesus couldn't be born without a woman. I prayed so hard to Mary to be my divine intercessor over the past almost 3 years. Now, I think I am looking for any meaning at all--I used to think that I just had to patient and my time would come. Now I am not so sure. It's not enough anymore to just wait and try again and again. To hear quips from others about my fertility or when we will have our child, or how we will have our child--I don'e even listen anymore. I believe that prayers are answered, I still hold that truth. They may not be answered the way we want or think we need, but they will be answered. I don't believe in quips anymore. If this happens it will be an answered prayer. If this doesn't happen, I fear that will be an answered prayer. I have prayed, I have asked God, it is in his hands now. That is the truth I am taking forward. This feels different than hope to me, this is a destination, this moment. Maybe this moment is an answered prayer too.
'Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self. '
Francis of Assisi
I am spiritual/religious. I listen to sermons from St Peter's Episcopal Church 's website--I am not Episcopal, but I think deep down I might be....I really enjoy listening to Rev Janet Broderick speak http://www.stpetersmorristown.org/worship/sermons. She speaks about real life. On Mother's Day 2011--she sings the cutest song ever. She addresses the idea male/female God/Jesus. She repeats a quote, "In the womb of the mother is the wisdom of the father"--which kind of settles it. For without a woman, there would be no Son of Man. It's an important role. Even Jesus couldn't be born without a woman. I prayed so hard to Mary to be my divine intercessor over the past almost 3 years. Now, I think I am looking for any meaning at all--I used to think that I just had to patient and my time would come. Now I am not so sure. It's not enough anymore to just wait and try again and again. To hear quips from others about my fertility or when we will have our child, or how we will have our child--I don'e even listen anymore. I believe that prayers are answered, I still hold that truth. They may not be answered the way we want or think we need, but they will be answered. I don't believe in quips anymore. If this happens it will be an answered prayer. If this doesn't happen, I fear that will be an answered prayer. I have prayed, I have asked God, it is in his hands now. That is the truth I am taking forward. This feels different than hope to me, this is a destination, this moment. Maybe this moment is an answered prayer too.
'Above all the grace and the gifts that Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self. '
Francis of Assisi
Friday, September 2, 2011
Just the begining
You know when you look at those infertility posts they have their lists of what they have been through--all their failures and if successful, their betas--and sometimes you see the emoticon with the angel wings (SAD!). Well, it just hit me, just, when I was reading one of the blogs I follow, that this fail at IVF could be just the damn beginning of a long journey. How did that just hit me? I mean how many things am I going to have on my list--how many IVF's and FETS and IUI's and angel winged emoticons might I have? The thought is overwhelming, which is why as much as I realize it, I don't think the idea can stay in my conscious mind long. I mean I could be at the bottom of a mountain here with a long way to go until I get the top! Like that horrible game on Price Is Right (which is actually called CLIFF HANGERS)...
Then plop---he falls right off the edge if you go over on your guess! When I think of it that way I think I would rather be close to the bottom--I mean I don't want to be close to falling over the edge (that is for sure). I always hated this little yodeling mountain climber guy game. Now, PLINKO, that was the game I loved on the Price is Right.
I don't want to keep doing this fertility stuff, I don't want to keep thinking about it or trying not to think about it. I just want my baby and let's move on with life. Or if there is going to be no baby, then let's move on with life. This mountain climbing is making me tired AND I have always been more of an inside type of person. Maybe I have already fallen off the edge?
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."-Dolly Parton
Then plop---he falls right off the edge if you go over on your guess! When I think of it that way I think I would rather be close to the bottom--I mean I don't want to be close to falling over the edge (that is for sure). I always hated this little yodeling mountain climber guy game. Now, PLINKO, that was the game I loved on the Price is Right.
I don't want to keep doing this fertility stuff, I don't want to keep thinking about it or trying not to think about it. I just want my baby and let's move on with life. Or if there is going to be no baby, then let's move on with life. This mountain climbing is making me tired AND I have always been more of an inside type of person. Maybe I have already fallen off the edge?
"The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain."-Dolly Parton
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Boot straps
I keep remembering/thinking about this moment right before my last notice that I had to have a 3rd Methotrexate shot. It was the AM and it was the day before the next test to see if the HCG was dropping and I was done. I got up sat in a chair and said to my DH, "I can't leave this chair, if anybody needs something from me or wants to give me something, like a shot, they are going to have to come to this chair". And I meant it. It seemed to hard to move forward, but it was not an option to stop. I think that is where I am now. Back in that chair. As hard as it is to move forward into FET , how can I not?
I have never been afraid of failure--I have been afraid of tons of other things, but never failing. I am not afraid to failing every IVF and FET. I am afraid of trying and afraid of that feeling of hope working its way back into my life. I haven't had the option to try for the past 3 months so there was no hope each month, although the disappointment of not being able to try at all has been there. I've decided to stop writing hopes on the bottom of my blogs--I am changing to quotes instead. I need hope to take a vacation (at least) for awhile.
'In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." — Robert Frost
I have never been afraid of failure--I have been afraid of tons of other things, but never failing. I am not afraid to failing every IVF and FET. I am afraid of trying and afraid of that feeling of hope working its way back into my life. I haven't had the option to try for the past 3 months so there was no hope each month, although the disappointment of not being able to try at all has been there. I've decided to stop writing hopes on the bottom of my blogs--I am changing to quotes instead. I need hope to take a vacation (at least) for awhile.
'In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." — Robert Frost
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