Complaining

Whoa--miserable is the perfect word for me lately. The last two weeks I was good and then Friday my morning sickness came back and I was so tired I couldn't get out of bed all weekend. THEN I got a migraine on Sunday night which went away Monday in the late day. In the meantime I called my neurologist who gave me PERCOCET. Like I am really going to take that. Unless it is between that and a trip to the ER, I am going to try and fight it out. I was good all day yesterday (AND SO HAPPY MY MIGRAINE WAS GONE). Only for it to come back at like 11PM last night. I had to cry myself to sleep I was in so much pain. good news is there is a Patron Saint of Headaches---so I prayed to her and I swear--it helped---But today it is lingering around. I know I shouldn't complain, but it is so hard to have so much pain and no end in sight for it. The unpredictability of it really is what makes it more stressful, which doesn't help.

Went to the real OB/GYN doctor yesterday, he is the same doc that delivered my niece and nephew and he is very relaxed (borderline too relaxed), but you just know that there is nothing that is going to surprise him, he has done it all. So, that makes me feel really good. And when I left I did have an overwhelming feeling of--it is what it is and all the worrying in the world is not going to change a thing---this ship has sailed. We saw the baby on the ultrasound--heart beating and it looked like he/she was dancing around. On Monday when I was in the middle of the worst of the headache I said to the baby, "BABY! This is not okay, mama cannot be in this much pain, let's think of you as the tenant and me as the landlord, you can hang out in there all you want, but the less you do to make me less than happy--the better." I thought we had an understanding, but now I am thinking---there may have been a miscommunication due to the baby not having ears yet.

I am sorry to be an infertile who is complaining, I know that I am not supposed to--I am just expected to be happy that we are expecting---but day to day--in the thick of it---that's tough to do. This whole thing is surreal to me at this point. It just doesn't feel like it is really happening at all. Which I attribute to the fact that we had been trying for so long to no avail, that it is hard to shift my thinking.


...so sleepy now (and it is noon)!

Here's the Baby...

This is our 7 week picture. We were supposed to go on Wednesday for an ultrasound, but on Monday I lost my morning sickness and saw a small amount of spotting--so for piece of mind Tuesday morning we went and the heartbeat was 170--which I thought was high, but the doc's exact words were "fantastic" so that is a good sign. She said the embryo is measuring 7 weeks 2 days and I asked shouldn't it be 7 weeks 4 days, and she said that ultrasounds can be off by up to a week and it is rarely a 100%  accurate reading. Also, I was discharged, given my file and a flash drive with info and pictures on it and off I went.

My wonderful nurse called me later and said, since your first OB appt isn't until the 29th, do you want to come back again on Tuesday--and I said OF COURSE!!! And she said, that's what I thought you would say. My Progesterone was 16.4 and my HCG was in the 100,000+ (I forgot to write down the exact number). She said on next Tuesday they will prob take me off Endometrin and have me come back two days later (Thanksgiving--wouldn't be a holiday without a trip to the clinic) to make sure I am making enough progesterone  on my own. My nurse said I had to promise to check in with her and call her with the good news! I swear I cried when I left the clinic, the idea of not having my hand held---SCARY! ALthough my nurse said I could always call her :)

I think the embryo (almost ready to be called a fetus) looks cramped, like his/her neck is bent. I hope he/she stretches out a little bit----On the picture he/she looks so big, but in real life--only the size of a blueberry (or a tic tac) depending on what website you read.

I keep thinking of how man times I have seen that same uterus empty on the ultrasound. It is so amazing. When the doc first said she saw the heartbeat I said, are you sure, and she said she would play it for me, the other doc in the room said, 'hearing is believing'. I am still so tentative and so much in shock. But happy and excited---or almost letting myself get there.


So, we are taking it one step at a time. I don't don't want to spend this whole pregnancy stressing because I want to look back at it with happy memories too! I am working on staying calm. When I left this appt I decided I need to relax, I think our little embryo wants me to just let it do it's thing and grow. One day at a time.

What I don't love

I don't love when infertiles become pregnant and poof it's like they were never infertile. Like they forgot. On one of the blogs I follow the person actually said something like, 'I feel so bad for people who are still cycling'. Really? When my DH and I went for our first appt he said, 'when they give us a picture we can't walk out into the waiting room with it, that is just as bad as when people bring their kids'--I just loved that he noticed this, it made it seem (for one of the first times) that he got it. Like he knew what boat we were in, and it was reassuring to know, that he is sensitive enough to not forget where we have been. As happy (and tentative as we are to be pregnant)--we won't forget what we have been through. I am an infertile and I love my infertile sisters and brothers!  I have known their pain and I still know it. It has stolen so much from me, my faith in my body to work, my innocene about getting pregnant, it has stolen my suprise I'm pregnant moment! And I am not naive enough to believe that because I am lucky enough to be pregnant now, that I will definetly be pregnant again. I hope that we will have more children, but it is not a guarantee. I can't take for granted that we are blessed that IVF worked, and all the prayers, asking for my, future (now present) baby---I am passing those on to other couples who may be infertile now, but will be pregnant (or have babies and children of their own) in the future.


...step off soapbox.

Quitting Smoking

I quit smoking 3 years 2 months and 5 days ago. It was so hard. It was hard to give up something that I loved so much and was part of my identity. I still miss it evey single day. When I quit smoking there was this want and desire in me that had never been matched in me before. I wanted to smoke evey second of every day---it consumed my mind. I would get in the car, and think about smoking. I would eat dinner, and think about smoking, watch a movie, look in the mirror, breathe= whatever, evey minute! For the last 3 years all I have thought about is having a baby. When I would have a baby, if I would have a baby. I would watch tv, and something (everything) would trigger it for me. I never realized how much it consumed my thinking--until now. Now, in those same moments that used to trigger me to think about infertility and make me somewhat sad, I am at a loss. Could this be it? Really? Could this be our baby, the one I have waited for, thought about, cried over, prayed for and at times been uncertain if I would ever have? Thinking about it brings tears to me. As nauseated as I am and as bad as my headaches feel sometimes, it is still hard for me to believe that this could be it. I still am so afraid to have hope, but I do have faith.  
I want this baby more than I wanted to smoke when I quit--and if you know me at all, you would know, that seems almost an impossible amount to want something (or someone)!

Nauseated

I know I know, since I am an infertile I am not allowed to complain about pregnancy symptoms--I should be happy every minute that I want to puke. It's hard though--Since Monday and lasting all day. I thought I might never be able to eat again. So, I did what any sane person would do--I called my Doc for Zofran. That's right--I have been pregnant for two seconds and I am taking a medication! Sue me. I have resigned myself to beliving that the baby does not want it's mommy to be sick, because then mommy can't eat any food and baby will not be happy! Of course being nauseated does make me realize that things must be going 'well' because my HCG must be high to be makig me this sick. I have been telling more people which is making me feel better emotionally, as I am trying to live in the moment and not worry about what will happen at the next ultrasound appt--just be excited for now.  The next appt is Nov 16th and then I am discharged from the clinic! Which I am happy about, but sad at the same time. My first appointment with the OB/GYN doc is Nov 29th---It probably should have been the 23, 24, 25  but it is Thanksgiving week so that is what it is.

I have also learned that if you say 'no' to a pregnant woman you get a stye in your eye--which is great news for me!

Thursday, November 3rd

I am not going to believe there is a baby in there until I see a heartbeat---Even if I am so tired I am afraid to drive a car for fear of falling asleep behind the wheel. My boss actually said I could take a nap in my office if I needed to—which is very nice. And I think I may have to take her up on it! Still no power at home. There are only 4 houses on my street with no power—which makes me think we are not a priority at this point. It is cold out there, but it is even colder in my house. I cleaned out my freezer on Monday, but I couldn’t face the fridge. I need to stop there on the way home to pick up clothes for tomorrow---IT’s going to be a quick visit if the power is still off.  My mom is watching the baby beak today! He doesn’t like being displaced I don’t think—he can’t sleep 20 hours a day like he normally does.

Wednesday-November 2nd

I called out from work, because even though my parents have power I still do not. Again, thank goodness I did because I was so tired I needed to nap for 2 hours and even when I woke up I felt tired—maybe even more tired. I didn’t have my other job tonight because they also had no power. What a relief!

Tuesday-November 1st

No work today either, but the power is back on so no work tomorrow---but today I am SO tired—I felt like I was going to collapse—and I couldn’t nap because I kept getting interrupted or tried and couldn’t fall asleep—I mean this was tired! Dead tired.

Halloween

..or not, because it is cancelled due to no power. My DH got a generator from a friend who has power—and was able to set it up at my parents house and run the furnace!!! HEAT AND TELEVISION—it is like a dream come true! MY mood is still crappy but I am trying to relax. The DH says I need to stop micro-managing people—and he is right (but if I hadn’t micro managed yesterday we would have froze to death overnight). And I had no work today—which is awesome!

Sunday-October 30th

It sure is cold in here. My mom and I decide we are going to make my dad and my husband come to PA to Perkins  since nowhere around them had any power. By the time we got back andheard the forcast predicted 22 degrees as the low—we decided to go to a hotel in PA (only like 25 minutes away from my parents)—EVERY HOTEL IN NJ WAS SOLD OUT until FRIDAY!! My sister, her husband and their 2 children came too—they needed TV and we all needed to be warmer. The problem is my mood is horrible. I will be surprised if the family doesn’t disown me by the end of the night. I told my sister and brother in law at the hotel—they seemed excited for us! They know all of the struggles we have been through!

Saturday, October 29th

The storm hits, thank God I went on Thursday for the ultrasound or I would be freaking out. We lost power about 2:30 and my DH was helping my parents put in windows---it was snowing VERY badly so DH said he would come pick me up and bring me to my parents (who have power). We get there about 4:30—it was a dangerous drive—trees down, snow, wind—we were there for 30 minutes and the power went out. We slept there anyway—with the furbaby of course.

Friday October 28th

So, I am much more calm as you can imagine and I got a call with my number 3452 and Progesterone 16—it was higher the last time at 24 so I asked why it went down and she said it fluctuates throughout the day—any thing over 6 is fine.

This is the night we told my parents! We went out to dinner with them and DH just slipped it in the conversation—they were SO happy—my mom started crying and gave me a big hug and my dad gave a big hug too—the table next to us congratulated us. It is all exciting, but at the same time I am so hesitant to get excited because of all the things that still have to go right in order to actually have a baby on June 29^th. So, for now I am cautiously optimistic, but not freaking out—because I know for sure it is not ectopic! And that means we are at least further than we have ever been before in our IF journey.

Thursday October 27th

Oh, and then the pain on my side starts again. This is terrible. Remember I have no spotting and last time we checked (which seems like forever ago) a stong great rising HCG number. This is also the same time it happened last cycle, but this pain has come since the ectopic was resolved—when I ovulated in Aug my side was so painful I googled the word for it—My August 8^th blog is dedicated to the pain. So, I can’t say this is ectopic pain (Of course I can’t rule it out either). I do know that I am tearful and peeing all the time and nauseated. My neck feels so much better—that I actually rescheduled my Physical Therapy appointment and rescheduled for next week.

This weekend I had watched a documentary called “Making Grace” –it is about two women who are trying to have a baby through IUI—she had experienced a previous ectopic and there is this moment when she recounts when she found out she was pregnant (the time after the ectopic)=I actually pulled it up on NETFLIX on my phone just now to watch the part again. She says, she found out she was pregnant and she was so happy and then she started getting crazy about it being ectopic again, she called her doc and her doc said her numbers didn’t seem ectopic (and it turned out to be their baby)!!!

So, I called my nurse and told her about the pain and she said I could come in, but to expect to see nothing on the ultrasound because it is too early. I went in since it is really close to my office and sat in the waiting room trying to convince myself to not be upset if I didn’t see anything (Knowing I would freak out if I saw nothing). I did want piece of mind about not bleeding. The doctor was so nice—I had never had her before ---Wand in and TA-DA---a little black blob with a YOLK! The doctor actually said she had never seen a yolk that early. She looked at it from a bunch of angles and confirmed—it is in there! They took blood and told me I didn’t have to come back on Sunday---but 7-10 days (Later in the day I got the call to return 11.6) to see the Heartbeat!! A real heartbeat that I hope hope hope is in there!!! My nurse even came out when they were drawing my blood to give me a hug and congratulate me—so sweet!

Wednesday-October 26th

Can you say panic attack. I woke up in the middle of the night—my neck went from hurting on one side to both sides and I guess to me that triggered FEAR/ANXIETY/PANIC. 2 am (this is actually Wed Am) I have a full blown panic attack—sweats/chills/pulse racing/mind racing. Really! I was up til about 5 and decided not to wake DH since---what was he going to do ? Chances are I would have just been pissed—which tends to happen when I am in panic mode—short short temper. 

My nurse called to tell me my thyroid looked good. I asked her if the pain in my neck was normal—she said not normal, but didn’t seemed worried as I was about an internal hemoorage. She again told me I could come in again for an HCG, but what would it tell us really? Part of me wants to go in and part of me wants to just be pregnant right now and if I find out bad news on Sunday then that is Sunday---I told 2 more of my colleagues who validated that of course I feel anxious and scared and self protective after the trauma of the ectopic

IN the evening I seemed better—even my neck which has been the worst it had been during the day—relaxed by the evening. It seemed like the anxiety was gone. My mood was better and I was able to get some sleep.

Tuesday October 25th

I woke up and the pain in my shoulder/neck seemed worse! I called my nurse and on her message reported that I knew I was a freak but could I come in for blood work, or could she call to reassure me that this probably was not an ectopic. She called and said blood work is just a number and there is no way to see anything prior to Sunday—so to come in and not see anything before Sunday would be worse for me. I asked if the chances of this being ectopic are small because of the good betas and she said she has seen it both way (Screeching hault)---couldn’t see have lied to me!! What I was using for my peace of mind---was just discounted---although everything I have read  *and experienced* says spotting—not doubling HCG’, pain are ectopic indicators---and I don’t have those things. COME ON!!!

I had been panicked all day and could barely work—had to actually leave a meeting early because I was freaking out too much. The day was horrible. Tons of web-mding which had me convinced I was bleeding internally since my neck pain spanned out to my shoulder. Which is a symptom of hemmooragh—but when I was still alive later in the day I figured it might not be--

I decided to go back to the ortho doctor—he said MRI, but then said PT after he found out I was pregnant—he shared that his wife used clomid 2 out of her 3 pregnancies—she had 3 c-sections.He also told me if it was a hemmoragh I would probably have pain—what does he know about it—he is an ortho doc not an RE!!

I went to dinner with my husband after and when I told him I had the worst day ever he said, and I quote, “Tomorrow is another day” –the only other words of wisdom he offered were, ‘maybe it is your hormones that are making you anxious:--I told him never to say either of those things again. 

The most interesting thing that happened today is I googled 13dp6dt transfer and my own blog came up and sure enough it was this same time last cycle that things went bad! When I was convinced I miscarried, but it was the beginning of discovering the ectopic—it was like my mind subconsciously knew---I wondered if I had not properly dealt with the ectopic of if this was just residual damage. I thought of the quote,
“When one door closes another door opens, but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”
- Alexander Graham Bell -

It didn’t make the anxiety go away, but it definitely represented what I was feeling.

Monday-October 24th

My neck was bothering me today—but not as bad as when I tweaked it yesterday. I I decided to tell my colleague about the pregnancy just so I didn’t feel so isolated in the process. She was great –she is a fellow infertile (now pregnant) so she was someone who can relate on a lot of levels—sans ectopic (which I am happy she never had to experience). Things were good in general—really fine. Did some amazon.com-ing for nursery prints and then went home and went to bed---I woke up at 2 am-like clockwork—and couldn’t really get back to sleep.

Sunday-October 23rd

This is the longest I have ever waited for a call back—4:30 on a Sunday they called!!!! I almost paged them, but the rule is if they don’t call by 7:30 then you can call them. And what was the number??? 698! That’s a big big number=if we had transferred 2 I would have been sure it is twins. But one it is, so that hopefully means it is one strong baby (and possibly and early implanter). The down side to this big number is I only need 2 betas---since the second was over 300—they just wait for the ultrasound at this point---so the return date is Sunday—October 30^th!

Friday-October 21st

Waiting does suck. I went early to get my blood work and my nurse called really early like 10 am—She said “You did it, the number is 221, you have been through so much to get here and I am so happy for you”.  I told her I wasn’t going to get excited yet, she said, well I am going to get excited for you. I called my DH—and he seemed excited (but tentative)—and excited. I hate that I had to tell him like this, but when I mentioned it to him, he said he didn’t care how he found out—so that Lucy-Rikki moment means more to me than it does to him, so I guess it really sucks for me.

It’s amazing. I was so happy in the car on the way home I started crying. All those months and years with sad and bad news, I kept thinking God didn’t want me to be a mom, that he didn’t think I would be good at it, and now in this moment, I feel blessed---honored. Without my Faith this would not have happened. I know that for sure. God is good.

Back on Sunday for more blookwork.

Wed-October 12th

Obviously, you will see in the posts I put up today that we decided to do an FET on October 12th--I couldn't blog about it publically until we told the people close to us, so todays posts are all catch-up for you and for me! Sorry about the confusion, but the dates of the events are the titles of the blogs....

The transfer day—we were told to come in around 1. The best doctor was there. She is so positive and calm. This time around I actually drank too much and they let me empty my bladder a little—which was awesome so I wasn’t wishing I could go to the bathroom as soon as it was over. The doctor came in and showed us the picture and said, It’s beautiful. She also said she didn’t know the gender –she said she doesn’t even look when the couple doesn’t want to know because she doesn’t want to slip. I told her my ectopic fears and she said, don’t even say that, we aren’t even going to think about that. When we were walking in she turned around and said to me, Jenn, I want you to stay really calm. I said, oh because that comes so easily for me. She said, I can tell. When she was doing the transfer she said relax every muscle in your body! And think of your uterus—no tubes. Then, when it was over I tried to sit up and they were like WHOA! What are you doing—oops I guess I forgot that I got wheeled out—doctor said no worries. I laid in the bed and cleared my head, didn’t talk and just relaxed while my DH held my hand. I was so happy I didn’t have acupuncture this time—because I just wanted to lie there and put every thought out of my mind---for 30 minutes—then I went to empty my bladder. We got lunch, went home and were told to come back for bloodwork in 2 days and our pregnancy test would be October 21^st----Waiting and Waiting---but I know I better get used to it. We have decided to tell nobody, to protect them from another roller coaster ride. Also, I want to protect myself from having to ‘untell them’—if that makes sense. I just want to be alone with this.