No good deed...

About a month ago the saying, 'No Good Deed Goes Unpunished' kept racing through my head. Because I was so tired of looking out to help others and then being slapped in the face. I would do something nice for another person and in return, they would get what they wanted and I would be stagnant. It's not even like I was looking for a thank you, it just seemed like the universe trying to show me others happiness over and over--(Nice blaming out, huh?). So, anyway it turns out infertility has not only taken my hope, it has taken my want to help others too! Nice. Also, it has taken away my ability to be excited about things. Like there is always this dark cloud of infertility hanging over my head, following me around. I feel like EYORE!! And I don't even like Winnie the Pooh.  I think I really am an  EEyore, check it out for yourself in that link! Shit.


"It's not much of a tail"-Eeyore

Calmness

"God hears your prayers even when you can't find the words to say them"
-Annonymous

I certainly hope this quote is true. As my lack of blogs can witness, I am at a loss for words lately. I have been working on relaxing-walking slower, being calmer, breathing more.  I met with a client last week and she as so calm. Being in the same room with her automoatically made me calmer and at ease. She had such an impressive and inspiring way about her. I work with survivors of domestic violence and this woman had been through so much, and had remained clear headed, positive and had a wonderful grace about her. I meet strong woman all the time in this field--amazing strengths of character, but vary rarely calm and relaxed. She is my inspiration right now. So, I am walking slower, being calmer and breathing more....(I'll keep you posted on how that works out)!

Far Away

I think it is interesting how far away I feel from in-fertility. I just don't think that I can handle another disappointment. LOL, of course I can. I just mean, I feel defeated now, imagine how much lack of hope and faith I will have if I try again and it is not a success? My head just isn't in the game and I just don't care. I still get sad and tearful and cry in the car, but I am tired of talking about it. I am tired of not having what I want (and feeling bad when I complain). I am tired of coming to terms with my life, like this, childless, for the duration. That is why IF we chose to go through an FET I am telling nobody. There is no reason to bring anyone along for this ride. It seems attention seeking and pressured to me that way. If it works then we will share a pregnancy like normal people do, when it is safe to do so. And people will be suprised and hopefully happy. Until then, I remain filled with Faith, but little hope.

Speaking of Faith (and Hope), here is my favorite prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.