Still Happy

Another example of how I thought I would feel one way, processing grief, and I am wrong. I really thought that this would be a difficult time. It hasn't been. I am still happy that the ectopic is over. And we have some real decisions to make. I am kind of settling into the idea of not having children. I am okay. If nothing changed forever I would be okay. Now, instead of seeing pregnant bellies and being envious, I hear screaming kids, tantrums, whining...all things I could live my entire life without. I know this fabulous older woman who has a great life. She never had children, although she has some step grandchildren in her life now. She travels, she looks youthful, she looks dynamite all the time. She is the epitome of fabulous. If my life turns out like hers I am happy. I can't be defined by this. I know that it seems crazy that we would have gone through so much just to stop. But, I might be perfectly fine with crazy. I am.

My hope, just more of the same is fine. Pure nothingness.

Congratulations...

I'm not pregnant. Not even a little. Less than 1%. I am very relieved and i am ambivalent to say, happy.

My hope, world peace.

No Whammies.....

I have to say I am VERY hopeful for tomorrow, although I am trying really hard to keep my expectations low. I know that if I do get a 0 tomorrow, this will be end of this IVF process, but I am more happy than anything else. I was reading a post from a woman who had a bad reaction (backpain) from one of the infertility meds she took and she stopped meds and gave up her journey to concieve naturally. She had some great points. She talked about the idea that even though she will never do infertility treatments again and will most likely never conceive and carry her child, she pointed out that what she had gone through with infertility has taught her things that she would never have learned otherwise. That the experience and the lessons could not have been learned otherwise. I agree with that. Ectopic alone, minus the infertility treatments and shots, has taught me more than I could have ever learned if I had not had an ectopic (which is not to say that I want another one). Also, that is not to jinx my numbers tomorrow. I will maybe one day list what I have learned, although it may be hard to express it.

I ran a 5k once and when I achieved that (which was a big goal for me, cause I never exercise) I felt so great. It is a different type of feeling to have overcome something I never anticipated would happen to me (and really didnt ever give one minute of thought to what an ectopic is). I don't feel great. I feel relieved. More relieved than disappointed. More relieved than anything else.

I read this quote and for me it seems appropo to this (our) loss...

"This is a rule of racing: No race has ever been won in the first corner; many have been lost there."
— Garth Stein (The Art of Racing in the Rain)

My hope---a goose egg. A Big Fat Goose Egg

0

Yay

I don't want too get too excited because you never know and i have been fooled before, but I go a 20! a 20...... I am in disbelief and tentatively happy!

My hope,
Dare i say a 0 next wed?

Resigned

This word came to mind on the way home. It is the perfect reflection of my feeling. I am setting myself up to be ready for surgery. So if there is good news that I don't need it then that will be great. This waiting is so much worse than any 2ww! I just want this to be over. I think back to all the time I spent analyzing what every twinge and number meant, for what? I am disgusted by the whole thing at this point. I want a zero so I can go away for the weekend. Anywhere but here would be fine, and the farther away I get from my clinic the better. I can't even begin to think of when to. Plan this for as of right now. I wonder if it sounds like i am being dramatic, i trust you, I am not. Also, i refuse to be positive or look on the bright side or downplay the situation. This sucks. More than i ever thought it could.


Hope....drop it down already!

Nag

Nagging pain on my right side BETTER be this breaking down. If it isn't I will be breaking down. I am so f-ing done with all this crap. I better not need surgery.

My hope....an end to this rotten hell

Whatever

The number is down to 74. I am not getting excited til 0. I would love to believe that this nagging pain means the ectopic is dissolving, but no bleeding. My numbers after the second shot were...

5/7    320
5/8    303 (2nd SHOT)
5/12  245
5/15  217
5/20  166
5/22  119
5/26  149 (AM)
5/26   77 (PM)
5/28   64
5/31  114
6/01 3rd shot
6/04 74

We have been even lower than this so we can't get excited. Back in on Wed. I cannot wait until this is a 0.

My hope, this doesn't end in surgery.

Calm

Over the last 3 days I have really just been in the moment. I have no expectations of the numbers tomorrow. I feel okay. Wed and Thursday I was nauseated on and off, but when I ate I felt better. I have been staying out of the sun because after the 2nd shot the sun seemed to bother me. So, I have nothing really to report.


My hope is that the number goes down, but I am ready for anything.

Shotty

I just had the shot. Anyone who has had Methotrexate knows it is actually 2 shots each dose. So technically, I have had 6 shots. But, they confirmed I have lost 3.5 lbs since my last weigh in (and since I started Weight Watchers a week and a half ago). I feel good as of now. Although I am still leaning toward not doing this again ever. I used to read blogs and wonder how people knew they were at the end of their journey with infertility. In this moment I am finished, maybe that will change tomorrow, in 3 months or in 3 years. I could say this was a sign or that I have a bad feeling, which I do believe are both true to some degree. This just doesn't feel right, more than the wind leaving my sails. I jsut don't know how much fight I have in me now. This took so much out of me and continues to, being a mother would take a million times more, and maybe I am not strong enough. If I doubt it, maybe I should not be trying. I saw a couple at the doctor today with an ultraosund picture. The man looked so happy and kept looking at the picture and trying to show it to the woman, she looked numb and wouldn't even pay it any attention. What was wrong with her? Did she know not to get excited because she has had so many disappopintments? Did she realize that after completing one HUGE journey of infertiliy, now she faces a pregnancy journey and then motherhood? Was it just shock and awe? It made me sad. Sad for me and my DH who are at a the completely different end of the spectrum, never seeing our baby's heartbeat or getting to an ultrasound picture. Waiting for week after week for the pregnancy to dissolve and poisoning my body to make that happen. I will survive all of this, but I won't be the same after it is said and done.

My hope, this methotrexate shot is the one that leads us to HCG 0.