Short story....

Yesterdays results are in

Down less than 10%

453

doctor wanted at least 15%

I have to go back on Monday.

I have no words and this is pissing me off.

Caring less....

I wonder sometimes as I walk down the fertility (as in - in) path if the more failures I have the less I will care about the process. This process has been filled with hypersensitivity, if I have another ectopic will I be like, well, here we go again, no big deal. If I implode I implode! Just like anything else I have become de-sensitized to the idea of IUI-IVF-Stim drugs-medications, and on and on. What is amazing to me is,  if you had told me I had to deal with this ectopic process I would have told you I wouldn't be able to handle it. But, as humans, we are forced to face what is in front of us and to trudge on. So, if tomorrow I have to get another shot. What am I going to do, run out of the office and wait until I blow up? Nope, forward motion. Forward motion is everything.

This brings me to my next point---The June list revisited. Since I can't really have a June deadline I guess I get none of the stuff I wanted (thanks to the Methotrexate imposed Limbo). I think I deserve all of it, but this sucks. No jeep, no trip to Colorado, no picking up the old smoking addiction. And moreover, no baby. This must be what it is like to fall in a pile of crap and have to walk 5 miles home. It stinks~


My hope for today, while following the forward motion of things I don't fall in a pile of crap...  again.

Wednesday

At around 9:30 am I ended up with shoulder pain in between the blades. I called my nurse just to check in and she said I had to come in for a scan. They think I am crazy. It is official. Everything looked fine and the doctor compared the ectopic to the previous pictures and she said it looked like it was 'less identifiable than it was'--GOOD NEWS! She also said she was sure this would pass on it's own and we would move on from this. I really like this doctor, but I left feeling like someone who was being an extremist. She did say that not bleeding can be normal and just mean it is dissolving on its own in the tube. My nurse called me later in the day and made me feel better though. She said, you aren't bleeding, so we have to be careful of any signs we see, I am glad you came in and we checked. At least you have piece of mind tonight. Then she said something really great---right on the money. She said, you muse feel like a ticking time bomb. And she is right. That is exactly how I feel. Like in a science fiction movie. Any moment you feel like you could blow--literally.

I kept busy at work and had dinner with a friend and it was great. My mind really didn't focus on the situation too much. I am sad, but it comes and goes. I want this gone so badly, after wanting it so badly for so long to be there. That's sad.

Every weekend since the week before the transfer I have been out of commision for one reason or another--sick from stims, retrieval, transfer, anxious waiting for results, cramping and miscarriage, news of ectopic, and methotrexate. Every weekend since the middle of March. A missed Easter. All of this just for the hope of an opportunity; to show someone that you would do anything for them, to give them more love and support than you knew you were capable of, to be parents.

My hope for today, decreasing numbers.

A Christmas Story-UPDATED

You know that moment in A Christmas Story when the Bumpis's dogs trample the house and ruin the turkey. No turkey dinner, no turkey soup, and on and on. That is me. Now. This weekend was horrible. I don't want to say the worst because I have a fear now of tempting the fates to screw with me. Friday after I posted I went to bed. I ended up with a headache (I had called the office after we left and the nurse said I couldn't take Imitrex, but I could take advil). Since I am a WEB-MD I looked it up and everything said not to take Advil with Methotrexate cause it can effect your kidney and liver. By Saturday around 5 I was so Nauseated and Migraine filled I called the on call doctor--he said I could take my imitrex and maybe only one advil ( I usually take imitrex and 2 advil--because that is Treximet (that my insurance company won't cover)). I was so so relieved, and after I took the med I felt better---and went to sleep. Sunday (Easter) I woke up with a headache and HORRIBLE nausea. I called the on call again to call me in something for the nausea, which they did. And I took my migraine med and the nausea med --which is good because the first side effect on the nausea med--was "May cause Headache". Later in the night my migraine came back with a vengance and I was just in HORRIBLE pain. So, I tool the migraine med and the one advil and it subsided. I was so afraid to go to work on Monday that I stayed home. And to boot I didn't really eat anything Sat or Sunday due to the nausea. I did eat yesterday but you have to watch your intake of Folic Acid since Methotrexate is meant to deple folic acid. If you eat some folic acid it may make the medicine less effective. Back to the Christmas Story reference. I missed Easter. The whole thing. GONE. Like Sunday was just another day. I hope nobody today or for the rest of the week asks how my Easter was because I might end up in tears. That's another thing--TEARS. I don't know if it is a side effect of the med or my real emotions--but as of Friday night I was as weepy as a willow tree!

I went for bloodwork today and they say it will fo up 15%--I am making a chart and I will post it after I get the number. I hope it didn't go up more than 15%. I just couldn't even face having another shot or worse--surgery --after all of this. I did get the call to make my WTF appointment with my doctor. It is May 25th. The nurse said, the doctor wants to make it soon, in the next few weeks. For what? What is the rush now? Oh wait, I know, to be really positive and help us, get back on the horse I bet. As bitter as I am at the situation though, I know it has very little to do with them. They are actually great. RESOLVE is promoting this teleconference tonight about HOW TO BE THE PERFECT PATIENT. I signed up for it, it's tonight, but I don't really believe in perfect, so I might pass on it.  At least by May 25th the weepy-ness will have passed, I want answers and a plan, not sympathy form my doctor.

Just to wrap up I need to say that this bought of holidays has really been crap.
Thanksgiving 2010- FLU
Christmas 2010 - Stomach FLU (the day after)
Easter 2011 I don't even want to think about.

My hope-- a low number on Friday--I am not being dramatic when I say that I am too tired of this process and need to see a low number. (oh, and no ruptures at all please).

UPDATE: Just got the call. 500 (37% increase) --WTF! My nurse was basically begging me to start bleeding! She was sweet though--she said she knew they gave me the shot on Friday (cause they let her know on Friday) and she was really sorry. She said she would be SO EXCITED for me if I call her to tell her I am bleeding. She said, 'nothing, Not even a drop?' NOTHING. She said, does it feel like you are going to start, any cramping or anything? NOPE. I told her there is no way I can get another shot--she said that they would do an ultrasound before they did the shot again IF I need it the shot.  I asked her WTF about the 500--I thought it was supposed to be 15%--and that was more than 15%, she said the numbers go all over and they look for 15%, but any increase is expected. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go down numbers....PLEASE, period like bleeding! PLEASE PLEASE. I am craving chocolate so maybe that means I am going to start bleeding? My nurse did say, this is taking longer than she wanted. Again, me and my nurse, we want the same thing!

Not a Good Friday

Today sucked. I felt nauseated and light headed starting at like 11. I am an anxious person so I just tried to work through it. I came home at 2 and called the clinic. They said they had me scheduled for more bloodwork and an ultrasound tomorrow---not a good sign in this situation. I spoke to a nurse, not mine, but very nice, and she told me to come in. I went in and they did the ultrasound with two docs (one said he saw a 6mm mass and the other saw nothing). The one who saw nothing is the one that did the transfer. Either way the number went up 10% so it is up in the 360's. They said to do the Metho shot, and we did. I go back on Tuesday, and they expect to see a 15% increase and then 3 days later they will expect to see a 15% drop--the long and short of that is, a week from today I will be in this same position as far as numbers as I am now. Methotrexate means 3 months from today we would technically get to try-July 22 . The lab closes for the month of July so they said if there was a good time to do the shot this was it. We go away in August, so it looks like we are not going to go again until September. We can't take the chance of dealing with an ectopic while we are away. Just too risky.

I have been fine emotionally all week, but today after the shot not so much. The nurse said it is a drawn out process now. She said she just gave results to a woman who had her metho shot in Feb, today she was at 0--Today is April 22nd. Of course our number is in the 300's, but since nothing is typical, I am not going to try and guess when my number will be at 0. And of course we still have to make sure it doesn't rupture---which it better not!!! The nurse we were with discussed how she had her babies with IVF and the first time didn't work, but the second time did (although her second cycle was fresh not frozen).

 I saw what the doctor thought was the sac (and yolk) in the tube, and it did look like a little sac. I feel the need to tell this baby that it has to go. Please pass on your own. I want this to work and I don't want surgery. Which may seem selfish, but I need this part to pass. This is so horrible just when I think I can start to feel better it seems to keep going. All I want now is a 0---a 0! All those months I had a 0 and didn't want a 0--now all I want is a 0.

I thought my psychic was wrong the moment I heard about the shot, but the truth is, babies transferred the end of Sept are born in July.


my hopes= no side effects from the shot, no rupture, no cramping, and a big fat 0.

Ramble On...

I think I have been a real trooper through all this. Even if I am still in it. Tomorrow is the beta and I am hoping for a 0---but let's face it, I will be happy if it is under 200. Anything under 200 will do, but 0 would be a really good number too. I google imaged infertility and this picture was one of the results.

 WTF---I get what the message is supposed to be, but when does this scene actually happen. In real infertility land the woman would have two reactions (both of which would come from the bathroom) screaming or crying. Or at least that is my experience. I find with my husband he doesn't mind looking at these sticks, BUT he would never put his face that close to one.The bigger question for me when I look at this picture is, how many days past retrieval is she?

I hate infertility, and I know hate is a strong word, but in this situation I don't think it is strong enough. You know when you haven't experienced something it is so easy to have a feeling, reaction, opinion, etc. about it. Then if/when you experience it, it doesn't feel like you thought is would. I think I used to have opinions about IVF, without even realizing it. Not that I ever thought it was bad or anything, but I would wonder about how it would be to know that your baby wasn't made on it's own or if it would feel wrong (in the spiritual sense). All those ideas are gone now. Also, I used to hate to go to the gynecologist, the whole idea of it and how uncomfortable it was. Not now, since I have the stirrup experience so much the gynecologist is the equivalent of going to the bank, really.

This post was really just rambling, sorry.

My hope remains the same, please come down number, like a lot would be great--hope hope.

Infertile ...cupcakes?

My next test isn't until Friday--so I don't have much to update on the infertility front. The pain on my right side is back and I haven't had a lot of bleeding. Which I am guessing is not a good thing, but I am not even capable to stressing out about it anymore. Emotion overloaded led to Emotion Void.

Next week, as we all know is National Infertility Awareness Week. From the Resolve website I have scheduled something Mon, Tues, Wed. I am doing one webinar, one teleconference and a class. Also, my clinic is supposed to be giving out cupcakes (although I have no idea what a cupcake has to do with infertility). This may be the only week that I am doing something for my infertility without shelling out a ton of money! Although I shouldn't complain because I have insurance--and others do not--even if I do pay tons of money for my insurance. Who cares, I am getting a FREE (that's right---FREE) cupcake!!

My hope for today---again, low beta numbers on Friday!!

To catch a thief

The beta is in---334---that's it! I couldn't get the phone when the nurse called, but her message said this was "another nice drop". I am happy it is going down, but the part of me that is so tired of being patient, thinks it could speed up a little (not in a rupture kind of way, but you know what I mean).


So, I have included in this blog some lyrics to one of my  infertility songs. I know this one is cheesy, but it helps me. It makes me think of the times in my life where I had pain. I broke my arm when I was like 6 years old and it hurt a lot. When I think back now, I can remember it hurt, but I can't feel the pain. It is just a memory of what was, a snapshot. That is what this will be. Although it seems like it is taking this number forever to drop, this will all boil down to a 5 minute story one day, and it will be part of our journey. When I had to let some of my colleagues who I had told about our IVF journey know about our loss I wrote them the following email ...I think the email sounds nice, and is an example of me trying to make them feel better about my loss.

______________________________________________________

Hi all,

I just wanted to thank you for all your positive thoughts and support. Unfortunately, it looks like our pregnancy this time is not meant to be. I am doing  fine because I believe this is part of our story, but not the end of our story. This story is going to end with our baby.

I know that all your thoughts, prayers and good vibes are what gave us strength and brought us this far, and I can't thank you enough.

Sincerely,

Jenn

'Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end.
__________________________________________________



There are times that this all feels more like a nightmare than something we are really going through. I know I have said it before, but a part of me (a big part) is still in denial that we can't have a baby. We are so far from where my dream of having a baby began. In December of 2008 we started trying to conceive naturally. And nothing. At about the year mark I had thought about reaching out to the fertility practice, but still was holding out hope. Then in Febrary of 2010 I thought it had finally worked and we were pregnant. I was almost convinced of it and then I realized I had just miscalcualted days. I realized in that moment that we would never have that spontaneous moment of, oops I missed AF, that must mean I am pregnant. Let me go buy a test and see. That spontaneous moment that so so many (5 out of 6 couples) take for granted (maybe). We won't have it. I always think about that I LOVE LUCY episode where Lucy finds out she is pregnant, she has the perfect way planned out to tell Ricki and every time she tries, it gets interrupted. And then she goes to the club and request, "We're Having A Baby, My Baby and Me" and he doesn't know that he is singing to her, until...he sees her and she nods. Not us, no moment like that for my husband---we are going to get a very anticipated call from a nurse. All I can hope for now is a call that comes in on the weekend, so at least we are together when it comes in.

That  is just one of so many things that this whole process has taken from us. This most recent loss though, it is the worst in my life to date. Last week was my worst week ever--From Friday April 8th until Friday April 15th--the worst. And hey, I don't want to jinx myself, I guess it could have been worse, a lot worse.  I hope I never have to look back and say, I thought that week was rough, that was nothing compared to _______________________. Please be it, please be the worst week --and let it be over.




My hope for today---that the worst is behind us now.

Before The Morning

by:Josh Wilson

Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God who loves you where is He now


Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending


Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see


Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning


My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer


And hold on cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time but you’ll see the bigger picture


Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory


It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

The Psychic

 Last year around this time I went to a psychic fair and asked the question, will I have a baby? I realize now that the question could have been more specific. Regardless, we were new to the IUI procedure and still had LOTS of hope that a quick little IUI plus Clomid and we would be parents. Laughable now of course. But I digress, the psychic said she saw twins around July, they would either be conceived or born around that time.  She then went on to say that she saw two sets of twins. Which was also laughable, because I know for sure if we have one sets of twins, my husband would never let them put two embryos in again (if any at all). July 2010 came and went and there was no positive test. As a matter of fact, after that negative came back I decided to take a break (until Dec 2010 when we tried one last IUI). I couldn't believe it didn't happen and the thought of waiting another year felt heavy. Fast forward to today. When the nurse was talking to us on Thursday and told us we didn't need the Methotrexate I said to her, that's good, because my psychic said that I would have/conceive twins around the time of July, and with not Methotrexate and waiting out a cycle that puts us in July. I thought my husband's eyes were going to roll to the back of his head. My nurse simply said, 'I believe in psychics'. Well, that makes two of us then. It would make sense though, the twins we might have and the twins we have had=two sets.


 I feel confident my numbers are coming down. I had some more bleeding yesterday although none today. I also had a bunch of pain yesterday and today it seems less! I am betting it is 125 or lower (HOPEFULLY LOWER)!  Tomorrow stinks because I have to drive WAY out of my way to get the bloodwork done. I am going to have to wake up so early. 


My hope for today--- NO WHAMMIES!! Low numbers....

Since Monday...

Tuesday morning I walked into the clinic for my blood work and ultrasound with a big senses of loss looming heavy. And the doctor saw a thin lining and nothing in the uterus (his exact words were, I think you are right, this is a loss, keep the faith). So, I went about my day knowing that when the call came in the numbers would be down. I got the call from my nurse at around 2pm. She told me that my beta was not going down, but up 1171 (Saturday it was 545)....and news that you think should be happy, was actually dreaded. (As I have mentioned,  I had a pain on my right side since Sunday night). The nurse said we could have a late implanter and my doctor said to wait until Thursday and maybe we would see something on the ultrasound, so she seemed hopeful. She also said she needed to prepare me for the fact, that this pregnancy could be in the tube (I totally freaked out with fear and envisioned my tube rupturing). I asked her if it is possible that I miscarried one and had an ectopic too, she said it is possible. I still believe this to be true because the number was going up a lot, ectopics tend to grow slower, so the numbers don't double. As of the loss on Friday, my numbers were not tripling anymore. Needless to say, Tuesday I was FREAKED! I think I slept for two, maybe three minutes. I decided I was going in Wednesday morning regardless. I couldn't wait til Thursday. Not to mention I had this ongoing side pain, back pain and generalized cramping.

Wednesday...at 6am we were at the clinic. They did the scan first. The doc said she saw a 4mm mass in the right tube (uh-huh, where the pain is). My numbers on paper from the day before were 1171, the doctor said to prepare for a Methotrexate shot (a chemotherapy drug that kills cells). She also saw a questionable mass in the uterus, but at best thought it was an abnormal pregnancy, but she really thought it was fluid and the pregnancy was in the tube. My blood draw was the worst to date (still swollen and black and blue). They made me take the Metho blood work over to the hospital myself because they needed me quick. I went home and remained on call to go back for the shot. The call came in and the number was one hundred points down (1063)...the nurse was happy and the doctor said to wait a day. She actually had three docs review the file. Back in on Thursday. Unfortunately I got a horrid migraine on Wednesday night on top of everything else. I was just hopeful it meant things were going in the right direction. Slept well though--after 1:30 when the migraine subsided. I should mention that this whole time my nurse is waiting me for me to start bleeding, since I am just spotting. She says the more bleeding...the lower the numbers will be.

Thursday...back in for blood work and ultrasound. The doc confirmed that there is a 4mm sac in the tube. Lining thin, nothing in the uterus. He said they would check the blood work, but the shot might be where we were headed. My nurse was on duty and she is great (I am sorry I used to refer to her as Nurse Jackie). She brought us in the office and said to wait 45 minutes and the blood results would be in. They weighed me for the dosage of the Metho and she gave us the release forms. The only real down side to the chemotherapy therapy drug that kills cells is that you have to wait 3 months before you are back in the game. We waited and then she called us in and said she had good news, the number divided in half. In the high 500's (I want to say like 586, it I can't remember exactly). She was so happy and so were the docs. She said we had to come back Friday but this was great news. She said anything could still happen but to hope for a drop on Friday. If it stayed the same or went up we would be taking the shot otherwise they were going to be monitoring for symptoms (not pain though apparently cause the pain on my side and in my back nobody seems worried about). Also she said I could take Advil and my migraine medicine. I felt better yesterday. My side hurt, but from the clinic I went to work and went out to dinner with the DH. Came home and slept like a baby.

Today....ultrasound and blood work again. This doctor, the third in three days, not to mention my doc who has been on top of the file and the doctor doing file reviews each day said he couldn't confirm the mass he calculated at 5mm was actually the sac. He did say he didn't see a yolk and there was nothing in the uterus. He said he saw a some blood in the uterus. And to expect mild bleeding. No blood leaking in the tubes. He did see a corpus leteum (every doc has) although 'irrelevant' and will hopefully pass at my next period. My nurse called with the numbers and they were 503. I said that wasn't a big drop, I am not happy with that. She said the docs are happy with it and so is she, she said remember it is only one day. My hope is that every other day it goes down 100 and every other it day it drops by half. My next blood work is Monday, and
I am hoping at this equation it will be at 150. Ectopics can be weird and bounce around. If it gets hokey they will give me the shot, but I am hoping we are past that. The great news is (and I think the best sign so far) at 2pm today, the pain dissipated, so hopefully the 'wanderer' as I call him, has passed out of the tube.

As you can tell this entry totally lacks emotions. I have kept my emotions at bay (although they have crept up here and there) since the nurse told me on Tuesday we may be dealing with a pregnancy in the tube. Oh except the emotion of "freaking out'--that I have had in spades.  There has been so much to worry about and wait for with a sense of urgency. There are some positives that have happened. Although I am not there yet to spend time reflecting on them. I haven't even gotten to the point where I can feel anything about this. I want these numbers down so there is no risk of rupture and so my period can come in the next 4-6 weeks. Not so I can rush to get back on the horse per se, but so I can be on the other side of this nightmare. I keep saying to everyone..there are so many ways I thought this could turn out. And I over thought so many of them, ectopic never entered my mind. Although maybe it should have, the chance is increasesd for IVFers... 1 in 30, that is a 3% chance. Never entered my mind.

We have had a spectrum of thoughts and feelings over the last 11 days from joy to fear and a lot of stops in between. For now, i just want to be. Be in the moment. Not worried about tomorrow's feelings or hopeful for our next transfer. Just here.

My hope...on pause for the moment.

Crab trap

I went to one of my jobs today. I usually work 12 hours on Monday, but today just couldn't go to the 2nd six hours. The job I went to is only 6 hours a week. Nobody knows me I just come, see patients, write notes and leave, that I could handle. Working at my full time job where everyone is so concerned and caring and nice, couldn't do it! On the way home I realized (morbidly) that this could have been my one and only positive pregnancy tes. I know, stay positive. I can't believe I have to test again tomorrow, and then an ultrasound too! This might be my worst trip ever, and worse than Saturday is hard to imagine. And then wait for the sad (but perpetually positive) call from my nurse.

I know this seems unrelated, but I am watching Man vs. Food and they are discussing snow crab, apparently this restaurant in Miami, takes just one claw from the crab at a time. They regenerate their claw and then bam, next year, the other claw comes off...forever. Off with the claw! That is how I feel, like I was just going along and then bam, part of me is gone. I know I will recover (regenerate, per se)....but I don't want to lose any more claws!

Back in February I was embracing the waiting, now I can't believe how much I am dreading it. Yuk. Hurry up and wait, and wait. Apparently I am a glutten for punishment, but I wanted to see my positive one more time so I POAS...sure enough there it is! Of course my numbers are probably in the low 100's so of course it is positive. I just wanted to hold on to one more day.

My hope for today, that my days of likening myself to a snow crab, are coming to an end.

A different kind of shock and awe...

I am not usually an emotional person. At all. I don't respond well to others being compassionate toward me. When the doctor walked in the exam room yesterday I started balling. It was weird, because i would never think that is how I would react. She was really positive, thin lining, nothing visible in the uterus, but she said let's wait for the numbers. Since this happened Friday night at 8, the numbers were probably going up until that point, so of course the numbers won't seem like they are going down. Beta 545 progesterone 3.2 (down). My guess is the placenta was putting out hcg even though there was nothing to support. Especially with a low progesterone level. What really makes it worse is that I have to keep taking estrogen and the Endometrin until they can confirm what I already know. I still have bleeding and cramping, and it sucks. My right ovary, which produced more and larger eggs, hurt through stims, hurt after retrieval and now hurts again.
Through all the sadness, crying, disbelief and sleeping, I remain hopeful for the FET. I do think my body will do better, when it just does it's thing. I mean there were a ton of meds being pumped in and then stopped, my poor body prob didn't know what to do. Hopefully I will get my period sooner than later so the waiting isn't too long.

I have learned some things (already).
1. The next time I will not tell anyone what is going on except the people closest to me.
2. If we do another retrieval we probably will not be doing PGD, I think it might be to
traumatic for the embryos, and we know they look good.
3. I am stronger than I thought I was.
4. I need to take care of myself
5. I won't be taking negativity from this with me into our next cycle.

Things I haven't learned yet
1. How to recover from this. Although I know I will, this is really hard.


I really am in shock still. The possibility of more waiting and then more waiting, seems too daunting to even imagine. When I came home yesterday from the doctor I just sat in front of the tv, not focused, not even really thinking, just there. In it, the thick of it. I was supposed to go to a family party today, but couldn't. Got all ready, shower, dressed, makeup, but couldn't do it. It is like my body is too heavy to move. I don't want to work tomorrow, but I have to go because laying around makes me sleep and if I sleep all day I will feel worse.

Also, I guess I was stupid to think the physical part wouldn't be bad, because Friday the cramping stopped, but now my right ovary really hurts. Maybe it is shrinking down or something.
My hope for today....a feel better tomorrow.

Literally 2 minutes after I wrote my blog entry yesterday, I miscarried. In all honesty it has probably been happening since my first beta, considering it was low and there was bleeding from the beginning. I don't really have much to say except....

Dear baby:
I am sorry I don't get to be your mommy. I am sorry for anything I ever did that made you not come. I really wanted you. I really did. I will keep you in my heart forever. I love you.

13dp6dt

I had a migraine this AM, but no bleeding when I woke up. I thought this was great, I thought my hormones were rising and all was good. Then the bleeding started again. Around 4:30 when I was driving home I started getting cramping. I know that bleeding can happen and cramping can happen, but when they happen together...not great news. Well, I put a call into the clinic at 7 and got a call back from a really nice on call nurse. She said take Tylenol for the pain and went on to tell me how the number one reason for after hour calls is bleeding, that it can be really normal in the first trimester, that it could be a subchornionic bleed. She said to keep taking everything and in tomorrow for blood work. I had already arranged blood work for tomorrow, when I called my nurse earlier today because I realized my progesterone count was 5.7, which I was scared about. She said I could totally come in, but 5.7 was not low, 3 is low. the nurse tonight said that I could have an ultrasound tomorrow, but they probably wont see anything.

This feels just like my period the first day, cramps that come and go and blood passing in between. I just want to know now, this weird place we are in...sucks!


My hope for today is hope from tomorrow.

12dp6dt

The 3rd beta is in...289!
This is good news, but let's talk about bleeding, shall we. Spotting I guess, since Monday. Red...bright red. Not like day 1, which is what my nurse asks me. She has given me some reasons for the blood, but at the end of the day, our ultrasound is Tuesday AM...to see the sac, the following week sac and yolk, the following week sac yolk and heartbeat. Until I see your heart beating baby, I am not going to be able to be happy and excited. Seems like our baby is strong so far, good tripling numbers, even if baby was a late implanter (which it seems may be the case).

I guess in other good news I am really tired and grumpy, both early pregnancy symptoms. Come on baby!!!!

My hope for today, our baby and the blood have little to do with each other.

Hope....again...still

There is a horrible movie called, 'The Family Stone', really, I am not recommending it. The main character is played by Diane Keaton. Her son brings his new girlfriend home and nobody likes her (Sarah Jessica Parker). It is a Christmas movie, and Sarah Jessica gives the mother and all the family members blowup pictures of this black and white shot of Diane Keaton pregnant. I included a link below if you want to see it. In this great shot Diane Keaton looks at the daughter she was pregnant with in the picture and says, 'That's you and me'. It's a great part. There is something about that part that really is endearing. As the viewer you get this moment of a true bond. As a child you may never remember being inside your mom, but as a mom, it is the beginning. She knew you before you knew you. You were a team and you couldn't have done anything without her...literally.


I went for blood work at 7:30 am, my nurse called at 2:00 with the number 87.2...now that's a better number. I go back on Thursday and she said at that point i will get my ultrasound date. I asked her if I could stop worrying now and she said, We want to see that number grow by 50-60%, so this is positive news. These 3 weeks are the scariest for any pregnancy, not just people here. We want to get to the third ultrasound and see that heartbeat.

Forward thinking is good, but I keep wondering when I can get happy about this. Today I thought I would be excited when we reached this milestone, but then I just started worrying about the next number. I think this could be par for the course, until I see the heartbeat OR until my baby graduates college. Keeping positive for now, or trying to.

My hope for today...more tripling numbers please. Baby, it's you and me now.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Kspjh2QAccjzzTiy1bGD-pWX-ak7l9_i9H9ccRKsF_Rtn98GCs_1CzHVBHsP3aqxQc1hgp49ejaUhhcu0K6nJU9Kn3J2g4rJvcD9c54f5d1rUUnbYRHpphuYi0q3yPpry1KPiSiy1zc/s1600/Diane+Keaton+Pregnant.JPG

9dp6dt

I know I know I didn't post on what would seemingly be the most important day yet. My nurse called, mine, not the nurse on duty. She called at 11am and said, 'we have a positive test'. Your Estrogen is low so we want you to take your Estrace again, 2 in the morning and 2 at night starting now. When you come back on tuesaday we will check your thyroid, we do that to everyone sometimes the thyroid can act whacky so we will medicate it if we have to. Your beta was 24. WHOA! 24. I asked if that was a good number (we all know that they want to see 100). She said, that is your baseline, what matters is that number doubles. 3 things could happen it could go up, stay the same or go down. Shock and awe! I said to her like 4 times...'Oh my God, I am in shock'. The dh and I couldn't believe it...shock and awe. And then I started web MD-ing! I have. Read blog after blog after blog...and they all say thhe same thing, it is the doubling that matters not the original number. I even read one woman who started at 30 and ended up with twins.

No matter what happens, our blastocysts worked so hard! I cried when I first saw them on the screen in the retrieval room, they gave us what we have never had, real real hope. They gave us a positive pregnancy test. Although I used to wish that when we found out it would be the normal way. Missed period, pee on a stick, make a doctors appt and 36 week later, bam, baby. Not like this. Fear waiting, waiting fear, good news, then wait, fear then wait (you get the
point). Now I wouldn't change this for the world, not one moment of it all. You know why? Those are our babies...and they did it! They did it.


So I made it all this time without poas-ing. Until after my beta! The line was still pink last night and again this AM. So i hope that means we are trending in the upward direction!

Oh, and then Endometrin spotting. The scariest thing in the world. Spotting. Again, everything says really normal, but totally freaky! I was feeling tentatively optimistic until the following things happened....and i started to really think I am pregnant!
1. I wanted to scream at my husband 2x and he was just being nice.
2. I started getting a headache.


I have to tell you that in this moment I feel confident, even if I eat my words tomorrow. Right now I am pregnant for the first time ever in my life. No matter what happens from this moment on, i know that we will end up with a baby, our baby. Even if not this time. We did it! We got this far! I cannot and will not believe in anything else except that our babies are growing strong.

My hope for today...big beta numbers...like big big...anything between 200-300 will do! Come on babies!

The night before the beta....

Is it the end or just the beginning? I had the busiest day. Kept busy all day long. And lets not forget I had no sleep. It was great though, I had no time to think or over think.I wish I could sit here and say this is the last night of my life that I wont be a mom (even if it is in to-be status). I will be shocked if the beta comes back positive. Shocked, relieved, ecstatic and shocked. If it is bad news, the up side is I only have to wait for 2weeks for the FET. But I know, one day at a time. For now, I am so tired...of course, I will post tomorrow when I know.

My hope for today...shock and awe.

*side note...I asked a magic 8-ball today if I was pregnant and it said 'without a doubt'....so I got that going for me!

Wide awake 7dp6dt!

I have been writing 5dt, but I had a 6 day transfer!! My clinic said there used to be a belief that 6days was too long, but they have found no difference in the outcomes. I can't believe I have been doing that.

I know what you will say, you are wide awake at 3:am because of nerves. I have to say that a PMS symptom for me (every damn month) is wide awake between 3 and 4 am. Nobody hopes I am wrong more than me, but every month it happens. Friday i started feeling good again, more positive, but now I am awake. You know what the problem with a pregnanacy test day is, It's an ending, if it is negative, then it's an end to the hope for that cycle.I have been on automatic pilot with positive thoughts and it alls comes to screeching halt on test day -.

Just thought I would blog....since I am so awake.

My hope for 3:56 am....a pregnancy this cycle, now, at 3:56 am.